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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25259758">postmidnight thoughts</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/r4m3nlvr/pseuds/r4m3nlvr'>r4m3nlvr</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>the jokenverse [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SB19 (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A little bit of quarter life crisis, Angst, Courtship, Engineer!Josh, Eventual Fluff, Idol!Ken, Introspection, Joken - Freeform, M/M, Might be a little existential, Mutual Pining, Romance, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love?, bestfriends!JoKen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:35:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>68,614</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25259758</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/r4m3nlvr/pseuds/r4m3nlvr</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>[UPDATED SUMMARY]<br/>You cannot love yourself if you keep choosing other people. You cannot love other people if you keep choosing yourself.<br/>Best friends Josh and Ken learn this in the most beautiful way possible.</p><p>Chapters 1-14 (Arc One)<br/>Chapters 15-25 (Arc Two)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Joken, Josh Cullen Santos/Felip Jhon "Ken" Suson, Josh Cullen Santos/Ken Suson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>the jokenverse [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1794040</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>243</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>226</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. 2AM track one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hello, welcome to my third multi-chap joken fic. thank you for your support for my other stories. many of you have read the writer and surfer boy, and i'm glad you loved reading about them as much as i did writing them.</p>
<p>this story introduces lyricist!Josh and idol!Ken, who are pretty different from by two other boys. i don’t have an exact handle of their entire character yet, but i hope you get to love them anyway. buckle up because this fic is going to be a long *cough* and angsty *cough* ride.</p>
<p>joken malakas!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<h1>only fools</h1>
<p>Blinding. Not the spotlight or the stage, but the man.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He walked to the center stage, a guitar slung across his shoulder. The crowd held its breath in anticipation for one second. The next, it erupted in applause. People were screaming his name, calling for his attention, cheering for him. Fans held up their lightsticks, enveloping the darkness in a sea of electric blue. The lights, the camera flashes, and everyone’s gaze were trained on the lone man onstage. And then, silence.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He strummed his guitar once. He took a deep breath, causing everyone to hold theirs and release it as he began his ballad. With his song, everyone who heard was taken into another reality that only had his voice and his music. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Extraordinary.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The experience was so surreal Josh momentarily forgot that he was in his cramped living room and not with the crowd at the live performance. He held his breath as he listened. The words were familiar to him. Josh knew those lyrics by heart—he was the one who wrote them; but it was how the verses married into the music so perfectly that made the performance breathtaking.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That, Josh thought, was just how exceptional an artist Ken was. He lived and breathed performance. He weaved music. And no one could resist the stories he brought to life whenever he sang a song.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken continued singing on the television, strumming his guitar. After five years in the industry, he was slowly making his mark as one of the biggest artists of the decade. He was good-looking, mysterious, alluring, and there was no question about his talent or his passion for his craft. Women wanted him. Men envied him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh’s hands stopped fiddling with the tools in his hands for a second, eyes fixed on the flashing pictures in the screen. How this boy—a man, now—grew from that snotty and cocky college sophomore to one of the country’s most celebrated music acts was a marvel. Josh could not be prouder.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was so proud that he could almost ignore the tinge of sadness that mingled with the joy he felt. Sadness that came with many other emotions, thoughts, and words unsaid.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A sudden knocking made him jump. The circuit in his hand almost fell to the floor, but he saved it from potentially breaking. Josh turned his head to the door right next to the television, curious. Who the hell came for an unannounced visit past midnight?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hold up, you’re breaking my door!” Josh yelled when the knocks became incessant. He placed his things on the living room table then stomped to the main door.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh opened it and was greeted by a familiar blank expression and a mess of wavy black hair. He took one look at the man waiting outside then slammed the door shut again and locked the knob.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Hey</em>! Why’d you close the fucking door in my face?” his visitor asked, knocking heavily again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Alright</em>, <em>alright</em>! Stop knocking or you’ll wake my neighbors.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh opened the door again, smiling fondly at his visitor. The same man on the television was standing outside his apartment. Ken, rather than the flashy idol, stood there as his friend, his hood up and a mask across his face. He held a small ice cooler in one hand.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“If you’re gonna knock, I shouldn’t have given you keys to my house,” said Josh.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken rolled his eyes. “If you’re gonna be a jerk, I shouldn’t have brought beer.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They both laughed. Josh stepped aside to let Ken into his home. Ken entered, and after removing his shoes, slung one arm around Josh’s shoulders while the other locked the door behind them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The program was still on the TV as they sat on the long couch in front of it. Josh took one end while Ken sat close to him, taking off his mask and setting the cooler on the table beside Josh’s chaotic array of tools, circuits, wires, and LED lights.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ey, check out how cool my costume is on there,” Ken said, waving the open beer can in the TV’s general direction. “I look so handsome.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh pretended to shiver. “The amount of narcissistic self-confidence in that statement is repulsive.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You think just because you’re my good friend I’m gonna let that slide, huh?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken hooked his arm around Josh’s neck and brought the crown of his head to one knuckle, twisting. Josh retaliated by elbowing him in the gut lightly. Ken released him and they laughed, settling back to their original positions.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I thought this was a live show?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Nah, it’s re-run,” Ken told him. “I mean, why would I go to work on a nice night like this when I could be out dating.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh-huh. So why aren’t you?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken took two gulps of the expensive beer in his hand. “I <em>was </em>on a date with a girl a while ago.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Couldn’t get on with it,” he said, shrugging. “I told her I wasn’t in the mood, then she slapped me and called me—”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Immature?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Bingo</em>…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh turned to look at him. “Dude, that girl would have been, what? The fifth one this month?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yep,” he said, then handed Josh a can of beer. “Seriously, I’m getting frustrated… So be a good pal and keep me company, alright?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The idol casually tossed a can to Josh who just put the beer can on the table. “You know I can’t hold my alcohol.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh… <em>Right</em>.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What’s been going on with you lately?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken groaned then lay with his head back on the couch’s headrest, stomping his feet in frustration. “I don’t know! I just suddenly lost my drive. It’s getting annoying!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Childish.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh clicked his tongue. The TV show was still on, and it played a montage of Ken as the artist everyone idolized. Then, he side-eyed the whiny young man beside him who was greedily guzzling the beer in his hand.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They were one and the same person, sure. People adored this man. But there were a few things people didn’t know about the idol whom they knew only by his screen name; things that made Ken quite different from their fantasy image of him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>One, Ken was a clingy and childish brat. This was a strong contrast to the cool and stoic air he has in his performances. He would do the silliest and most random things without warning, and he would be physically touchy with people he was comfortable with. It always came as a surprise to others when the man they thought was dreamy turns out to be an annoying prick.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh thought this was the reason why Ken could never hold on to a relationship for long. The women he dated usually fell in love with his persona; but when it got down to it, they couldn’t handle who he really was. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken emptied his first beer can and put it on the table. Then, he ran his hands through his jet-black locks and turned to Josh, “Am I <em>really </em>annoying and immature?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Am I <em>really </em>supposed to answer that honestly?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken groaned and leaned over to Josh’s side on the couch, putting his head on Josh’s shoulder. “<em>Argh</em>, some friend you are!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh flicked him on the forehead so he sat upright. “You’re… probably just not who they thought you were.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> “Huh? What did they expect?” he scoffed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I dunno… Dark, aloof, mysterious?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, that’s me, too. But just <em>one </em>side of me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh shrugged, not looking at Ken but rather at the circuit in his hand which he no longer tinkered with. He said nothing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Whatever</em>,” Ken started, already opening his second beer can. “Their loss. They probably just wanted to get in my pants anyway.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Aren’t you talking about yourself, though?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Shaddup…” Ken said to him, giving him a sideways glance. “That’s not it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Really, now?” Josh recognized the look in his eyes. It was a look that meant he was thinking about something.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ve been <em>trying</em>…” he said, and with that tone of voice Josh knew it was something that bothered him. “But I just… don’t feel like dating, for some reason? Like, dating has been great and all but… suddenly they just didn’t seem too interesting anymore?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Wow, where’d that come from? Did all those hours of working finally get to you?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken was quiet for a little while, thinking. “Maybe…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh heaved a deep sigh. “Well, if you ask me, I think it’s a good thing. It’s unhealthy for you to be jumping from one girl to another like this, so maybe you should stop for a while. You have a reputation to protect, you know?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Right.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Seriously, dude…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I get it, I get it,” he started. “I’ll… lie low for a little while.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Good.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I mean, who needs women, right?” He flashed Josh a confident smirk. “All I need is my music, and my best friend who’ll never leave my side.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh rolled his eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Pushy.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Another thing other people didn’t know about Ken was that he was a dangerous combination of ambitious and selfish. He was ambitious in that he knew what he wanted to achieve. He was selfish because he did everything he could to get it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken was the kind who didn’t pull punches for his goals. For some, it may be off-putting. But because he was also charming, people made time for him. He was good at convincing others to help in his pursuits. He would smooth-talk others until he got what he wanted. And whoever bites the bait would immediately be attracted by his fiery determination, inspired to work just as hard as he does.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>This was how Ken got Josh to write lyrics for him in the first place. When Ken found out about Josh’s knack for poetry and prose, he badgered him until he gave in and agreed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sometimes Josh wished Ken had a little empathy for others. Other people had dreams, too. Far too often, when he made them say 'yes', it would be at the cost of their own interests.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh looked at the various tools and circuits scattered across his table.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“How do you do it, dre?” Ken’s voice called, dragging him out of his nostalgia.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Do what?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Like… <em>not </em>date. <em>Not </em>look for physical intimacy and stuff,” he asked.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh paused. He tried not to show any emotion on his face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken was right that Josh did ‘not date’ because Josh did not get into serious relationships. But, being a healthy young man, he <em>does </em>satisfy his own physical needs on rare occasions. It just wasn’t something Ken needed to know.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Instead of going into a long and potentially awkward explanation, Josh just replied, “It’s not my thing.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken cackled that sounded like a thousand applause, Josh smiled. “As if! You’re obviously a romantic. Just look at the songs you wrote.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, you mean the songs I write at <em>your</em> request? Gee, I wonder who the romantic is.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They looked at each other, smiling. Josh couldn’t help but admire the deep brown color of Ken’s eyes. They were vivid even in the dark. Bright and full of life, like a mighty tornado. But his smile was boyish, full lips stretching into a beautiful grin Josh could not get tired of.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Whether he knew what he was doing or not, Ken raised his hand and touched the tips of Josh’s hair which fell just below his ears. Josh leaned away slightly, surprised at the sudden invasion to his personal space.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hm… Your hair got longer.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh… yeah.” Josh leaned in ever so slightly to the warmth of his hand. “Haven’t cut it in a while.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken held back a chuckle as he continued to admire Josh’s hair. “I like this color on you. I knew you would look good with silver hair.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, it was <em>your </em>suggestion. Who am I to question your fashion sense?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh could still remember the day Ken told him this. They were at a studio late at night, drinking cheap coffee. Ken stopped what he was doing—Josh couldn’t remember what it was, he had been so caught up in his gaze to remember anything else—and stared at Josh. He cocked his head from side to side. The idol took in every detail of Josh’s face, staring long enough to make him turn deep red. Then he told Josh to go and color his hair ash gray. His exact words were, ‘You’d look hot in it.’</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And, really. If Ken told anyone they would look hot in a particular hairdo, wouldn’t they also go to the salon the next day to achieve it?</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Damned</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, dre…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hm…?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You won’t stop hanging out with me even if you get a girlfriend, right?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken’s eyes glinted, loneliness swimming in the depths of his chocolate orbs. Josh wondered what it would cost to stare deeply into those pools of brown and drown himself in them. He had always wanted to, but there was so much at stake. Josh didn’t think he could risk them yet.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He just turned to Ken, raising an eyebrow. “Where the heck is this sappy talk coming from?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken smiled a disarming smile. Then he shrugged and turned to his beer again. “Just thought… You know… bros forever and stuff.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh deadpanned at him. “You’re kidding, right?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Not in the slightest,” he said. “‘Cause if you get a girlfriend, I would probably tag along in your dates and stuff.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Damned again</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh turned away. It had been getting more and more difficult for him to hide his emotions. He could only say, “Dude, if I had a partner, I wouldn’t introduce you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What? Why?” Ken cried. “Why, <em>Josh</em>?!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken complained and whined like the child he was. Josh ignored him. He also ignored the way his ears rang and his heart started to skip at the sound of Ken calling him by his name. To hide the growing blush on his cheeks, Josh stood up and walked to the kitchen to make them both instant coffee. The idol went after him to the kitchen, watching Josh boil water in the heater. He was so close that Josh could feel the warmth from his skin.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken sought him. Josh liked to think this meant that, despite living the life he had always wanted, Ken needed Josh in his life. He needed him more than just the guy who wrote songs, but as the person he turned to for support.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>This would have been a happy thought, if only Josh regarded him differently.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That was one other thing most people didn't know about Ken. And Josh would bet his entire life savings that Ken didn't know about it either. Ken didn't know that for all his selfishness, quirks, and bad habits, Josh was helplessly and unconditionally in love with him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When did it start? Josh didn’t know. All he knew was he had liked Ken as a person from the moment he flashed him that first smile. This liking turned into infatuation. The infatuation eventually turned into desire. His desire grew into pining. And somewhere along the way, it became a hopeless realization that he would always be blinded by this exceptionally talented yet childish and pushy young man.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He finished pouring the hot water into two mugs. He gave each of them a stir, letting the sugar melt into the bitter liquid gold in the cup. When he was done, he handed one over to Ken who gave him a contented grin.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Thanks,” Ken said. Then he added, “You’re the best.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Now, Josh had his questions. He had thoughts about his life that plagued him and kept him up at night. Questions he ignored, but would mock him from time to time and make him question his life, his present, his future. Josh would often just grit his teeth and banish these thoughts from his head. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>But it was times like these that he didn't need to work so hard about them. As soon as Ken smiled at him again, his questions were thrown into a corner to resurface for another day. A day when Ken was not smiling at him; a day when Ken was not right next to him radiating warmth that spread across the hollowness of his chest. Just when Josh started to doubt his place in Ken's life, the other caught him off guard and reeled him back into his own version of limbo.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh fell again, hook, line, and sinker.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>What a fool he was</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>not... sure about how it began. thoughts and comments, both here and on twitter, are much appreciated!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. 2AM track two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>let’s pretend none of the songs used in this chapter have been released. unless otherwise stated, all songs which will be used in this story ARE NOT MINE. Link for songs at the end notes.</p><p>chapter contains: josh backstory; heavy narrations, please don’t get bored</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>utterly fucked (part one)</h1><p> </p><p>Josh had an obsession. It was strange thinking back on it, and if anybody were to ask, he would deny with every fiber of his being that he had been obsessed about Voltes V.</p><p> </p><p>Josh was around seven or eight when he first watched the cartoon. His younger self had been awed at the thought that a large chunk of metal held together by some-sort-of-magic was possible. And Voltes V had weapons! Ultra-super-cool weapons that shoot bombs and magic swords that skewered ugly monsters the size of skyscrapers. Josh was enthralled. That was the day he swore he would make a Voltes V one day when he was older.</p><p> </p><p>At 13 and still addicted to Voltes V and robots in general, Josh and his high school class had a field trip to a Mechatronics Lab. It was a standard lab with barely enough facilities, but to Josh it was like an amusement park. The lab had different kinds of robots, gadgets, even weird and unfinished inventions which did stuff like slap people in the face if they didn’t get up from bed. Josh was mind-blown. He knew robots could do many things, but what he saw in that Mechatronics Lab changed his life.</p><p> </p><p>Right then, he knew what he wanted to do when he was older. He knew who he wanted to be. So much that when their teacher asked them to write a two-page essay about their trip, Josh submitted a five-page essay on the ‘potentialities of robotics and other gizmos’. His teacher had complimented him on his work—he was given a 98—and said he could be a writer one day. But Josh said ‘no’. Josh had already decided; he was going to be an engineer.</p><p> </p><p>That was why, when he turned 18 and was applying for college, he confidently put in Mechanical Engineering, Electronics Engineering, and Computer Engineering as his top three choices. He was accepted into the ME Department and <em>finally</em>! Finally, Josh would be able to study things related to his robot obsession.</p><p> </p><p>His college days were fun and exciting. Contrary to his initial belief, it wasn’t <em>all </em>learning about robotics and machines. Josh found he was actually good at dancing. He was eventually adopted into a second family with the dance crew called Se-Eon. He also got into literary and essay-writing, and he became a favorite at the department. Josh had been popular among girls, too. But he always declined them on the grounds that, a: he wanted to focus on getting a Master’s Degree and working at the University’s Mechatronics Research Lab; and, b: he realized early on that he <em>wasn’t</em> into girls.</p><p> </p><p>Of course, the second point was only for him to know. Josh knew not everyone was as accepting of homosexuality and he preferred his life with less complications. It wasn’t very relevant, anyway. Being gay had nothing to do with what he wanted to do in life. Being gay wouldn’t get in the way of him chasing his dreams.</p><p> </p><p>But at 23, Josh, who had just enrolled in Graduate School on a scholarship, met <em>him</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Josh could remember it in vivid detail. At the time, he was training with Se-Eon when a sophomore kid from his university’s Architecture Department came to audition and busted some crazy-ass moves. The young man danced with cutthroat precision. His movements were so polished that Josh thought he was a robot. Like an android programmed to dance, except that he had skin stretched over defined muscle and a face sculpted to look like a Norse God… a <em>dance machine</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“Woah!” Josh said, clutching his head in his hands, “That was impressive, dre. That’s was—just<em> woah</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>The auditionee turned to him, droopy eyes widening at the compliment. A blush adorned his cheeks. His face remained blank for a second before a sheepish smirk split his cracked lips and curved it upwards.</p><p> </p><p>“Th-Thanks,” the young man introduced as Ken replied. “Uhm… I wasn’t sure if that was what you were looking for.”</p><p> </p><p>“Dude, that was <em>exactly </em>the magic we were looking for!”</p><p> </p><p>Ken put a hand to the back of his neck and looked down to the floor. “Well… thanks. I hope I get in.”</p><p> </p><p>“Believe me, if <em>I </em>got in then you’re <em>definitely </em>in.”</p><p> </p><p>“What’s your name, by the way?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, uhm. Josh.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ken.” He held out a hand.</p><p> </p><p>“Nice to meet you,” Josh said, taking Ken’s surprisingly large hand in his.</p><p> </p><p>“Nice to meet you, too. I hope we get along.”</p><p> </p><p>And they <em>did </em>get along. When Josh was not tinkering with machines at the Lab, he would be with Se-Eon and overseeing the newbies’ training. This meant he spent some time yelling at Ken whenever he got a dance step wrong or if he lost his blocking. Ken would often complain and insist that his steps were better—sometimes they <em>were</em>—and Josh would hit him at the back of his head for being cocky.</p><p> </p><p>But Josh never hated Ken. Not at all. In fact, he found Ken’s hard-headedness endearing. He was nice, driven, and talented enough to be a formidable dancer <em>and</em> singer. Josh secretly liked that Ken was hell-bent and passionate about being an artist, and he liked that Ken wasn’t too weirded out by his robot addiction. As time went by, the two of them became close friends and, while it wasn’t the initial intent, Josh started to admire Ken a little bit more than just a buddy.</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly, Josh’s world wasn’t all about his robotics obsession anymore. He found himself spending more time at training—<em>at training</em>! He wasn’t there for Ken. Of course, not! Instead of thinking about which robot part goes where, he would think about a certain sophomore’s eyes, lips, arms, and broad shoulders. And rather than having dreams of Voltes V, he would sometimes dream about said sophomore.</p><p> </p><p>Josh had been in denial for a few months. He was already having a hard time balancing his Labwork with Se-Eon; Ken taking up more and more of his headspace wasn’t something he wanted to worry about, too. But Ken was unstoppable. He didn’t even try to entice Josh, but Josh was enticed anyway.</p><p> </p><p>It was one late afternoon. Josh and Ken were at the practice studio owned by one of Se-Eon’s senior members. Ken brought out his guitar and started humming a pleasant tune of his own making. Josh was beside him, not really paying attention to the game on his phone, but secretly admiring Ken’s passionate humming.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Da da da da da, hmm</em>… <em>in a world where</em> <em>hmm</em>… <em>Da da—hmm</em>…” Ken sang in between hums.</p><p> </p><p>Josh was so engrossed in Ken’s song that he cut him off to sing, “<em>Is it the wrong time, what if we tried giving in a little more</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken jumped a little, head snapping towards Josh’s direction. Josh looked up to him when Ken reached for his shoulder and gripped it tight.</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>“You just created a lyric impromptu.”</p><p> </p><p>“Uhm… it was just one line—ow?” Ken’s grip tightened.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you a writer?”</p><p> </p><p>“No…” Josh said, grabbing Ken’s hand and forcibly removing it from his shoulder. “But I write stuff… <em>sometimes</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“Can you write lyrics?”</p><p> </p><p>“I—what? No, I haven’t tried it but—”</p><p> </p><p>“But I bet you’ll be great at it…!” He had a bright and excited smile as his eyes went wide in glee. “I bet you’re <em>totally </em>a natural at it!”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, I wouldn’t know—”</p><p> </p><p>“You should write songs, dre!”</p><p> </p><p>“What? <em>No</em>,” Josh told him strongly. “I’m not interested.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken grabbed his arm with both hands. Josh jumped when their skins touched. “But…! But you just sang it so well and I… <em>Okay</em>. What if I have a line that goes, uhm… Just add to the line you just sang!”</p><p> </p><p>“Uh…” Ken leaned in close and Josh could almost taste the mint in his breath. “Uh, <em>ahm</em>…” Josh swallowed. “… ‘<em>Was there a lifetime waiting for us in a world where I was yours</em>? <em>Was it the wrong time, what if we tried giving in a little more</em>’?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken looked up at the ceiling, thinking. “<em>We could be a little more</em>,” he sang.</p><p> </p><p>“Nah, I think it would sound better if the lyrics went, ‘<em>To</em>…’ uhm… ‘<em>To the</em>… <em>warmth</em>…<em> we had before</em>’.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken’s eyes went wide again. “Say that again!”</p><p> </p><p>“To… the warmth we had before…?”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Genius</em>!” He cupped Josh’s face in his large hands. “Josh, you’re a genius!”</p><p> </p><p>Josh could feel himself suffocating at the distance between them. Ken was so close that it would have been easy for Josh to lean in and kiss his loud mouth. But Josh’s bewildered brain ordered his legs to move instead.</p><p> </p><p>Josh kicked him in the gut. “<em>Dude</em>, <em>don’t you know what personal space means</em>?!”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Ow</em>!” he complained, clutching his stomach. “But seriously, dre. You’re just… You’re so good even without trying. Can you make a song for me?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, thanks.” He sneered.</p><p> </p><p>“But!”</p><p> </p><p>“No.”</p><p> </p><p>“Come on! Just one song!”</p><p> </p><p>“No!”</p><p> </p><p>“Please?”</p><p> </p><p>“No.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Kuya Jooooosh</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“Not cute. No.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh remembered running out of the studio when Ken kept bugging him about writing lyrics. Ken was not deterred. With stubborn determination, he brought it up whenever they met. And Josh kept wondering what Ken saw in him because the aspiring singer was insistent.</p><p> </p><p>It went on for two weeks before Josh finally thought of giving it a try. He was lying on his bed past midnight one day, and he began to put words together in his head. It wasn’t as hard as he thought it would be. Writing his research took more effort, he thought. Ten minutes later, Josh was sending a message to Ken’s messenger.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>I’m not gonna write you a love song<br/>‘Cause you asked for it<br/>‘Cause you need one<br/>You see</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em><br/>I’m not gonna write you a love song<br/>‘Cause you tell me it’s<br/>Make of breaking this<br/>If you’re on your way</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em><br/>I’m not gonna write you to stay<br/>If all you have is leaving<br/>I’mma need a better reason<br/>To write you a love song today</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>
  
</p><p>Josh was secretly laughing at the silliness of the phrases. He wondered if Ken found the humor hidden between the lines, too.</p><p> </p><p>But Ken found nothing funny about Josh’s message. Thirty minutes after sending the lyrics, Ken replied to him with an audio clip of him singing his own tune to them. It was followed by, “<em>You’re the best</em>🥺✨<em>please write me songs</em>”.</p><p> </p><p>Josh was surprised. Not only did Ken sound <em>good</em>, the melody fit the lyrics like magic, too. Josh didn’t know he was holding his breath until he let it out. What a talented young man. What a <em>handsome</em> and talented young man. Josh knew Ken sang in bars all over the city, but his talent was not something that should just be limited to small-scale performances.</p><p> </p><p>‘<em>I need you</em>😖🥺💫,’ was Ken’s next message. For some reason, the message brought a heat to his face and sent an involuntary spasm to his stomach. His heart hammered in his chest, each ‘<em>lub</em>’ and ‘<em>dub</em>’ echoing in his ears so loudly he thought he had gone deaf.</p><p> </p><p><em>So this is it, huh</em>, he thought to himself. All those months of denial and ignoring the tell-tale signs he had heard about have finally broken into his defenses like a wrecking ball, brought down by Ken saying ‘I need you’.</p><p> </p><p>Three words. <em>Fuck</em>. He had no prior experience to benchmark on, but Josh was pretty sure he was now officially <em>fucked</em>. Fucked because he was probably starting to fall in love with this bullheaded and persistent dance machine with the voice that sounded like velvet and silk and all that <em>fucking </em>imagery. <em>Fuck</em>. <em>Really</em> <em>fucked</em>.</p><p> </p><p>His hands were shaking. What a loser. Josh couldn’t believe his hands were shaking with how much adrenaline was pumping through his veins. Was that even normal? Hopefully, it wouldn’t be a permanent thing. It was embarrassing enough that he had stopped being able to look Ken in the eyes. He didn’t want to be <em>fucking shaking </em>every time the sophomore was around.</p><p> </p><p>‘<em>Will you write songs for me please please please</em>🥺😗✨<em>we’d make such a great team</em>,’ Ken sent.</p><p> </p><p>Josh took a deep breath. His heart was not beating as rapidly as before, but it pumped wildly and with vigor, like it was zapped with electricity and with purpose. He could feel Ken’s determination for his dreams with the way he typed ‘please please please’.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe, Josh thought, he could support Ken in his dreams by doing this thing for him?</p><p> </p><p>The thought of being someone important for Ken excited him. It was only writing songs, right? It wasn’t a big deal.</p><p> </p><p>Josh typed, ‘<em>Fine</em>… <em>You got me</em>.’</p><p> </p><p>‘<em>You’re the best, boss</em>😗✨💖’</p><p> </p><p>‘<em>I know</em>😏’</p><p> </p><p>‘<em>Luh, cocky</em>’</p><p> </p><p>Josh ended up writing songs for and with Ken. It was more challenging than he thought it would be at first. Ken had his own good ideas which didn’t quite match with the tone Josh started with. Sometimes, some words or phrases don’t marry well with the melody and they would scratch out stuff.</p><p> </p><p>Over time, it got easier. They eventually became so in-sync that Josh would start a line and Ken would end it. Ken would stop and pull a face, Josh would immediately know what he was thinking. This was their dynamic whenever they wrote songs together. Josh had to admit, their compatibility translated well with the quality of the music they made.</p><p> </p><p>Josh was satisfied with his songwriting days with Ken. It almost made up for the stress-eustress of working at his Lab, training the new ones of Se-Eon, all the while writing his own research work for the entire semester. He was happy, Ken seemed to be happy. And the young singer was getting more and more gigs at local bars. Things were good. Josh was content for things to have stayed that way.</p><p> </p><p>He was the happiest he had been in his life. He had never been that excited since the first time he watched Voltes V. The hecticness of doing his research and labwork, dancing, and writing songs became a good kind of busy for him. He was doing well in graduate school, the trainees were improving by the day, and he had a lot of fun spending time and writing songs with Ken.</p><p> </p><p>It was a state of bliss. He had no complaints those days. Perhaps, he thought, that was just how things are when one was—dare he say it—<em>falling in love</em>? Every second was filled with the happiness that came with him doing everything he loved and doing everything for someone he loved.</p><p> </p><p>Josh didn’t even feel the time tick by. The semester ended, and it was already summer.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Song(s) used in this chapter:<br/>-Lifetime by Ben&amp;Ben (Link to the Official Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxsY8GvoQQE)<br/>-Love Song by Sara Bareilles (Link to the Official Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qi7Yh16dA0w)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. 2AM track three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>a longer narration of josh’s past. next chapter will move back into the present timeline</p><p>chapter contains: almost 2700 words in continuation of Josh backstory; cursing; heavy narrations</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>utterly fucked (part two)</h1><p> </p><p>Summer was almost over. The weather would eventually turn from the dry, scratchy humid to the wet, sloshy kind that filled people’s sneakers with mud. The sweltering heat was expected to make way for the cool, damp air as people huddled close together sharing heat.</p><p> </p><p>But Josh’s head was <em>not </em>transitioning to cool and calm. His was turning into an inferno, blazing and hot. Like an angry volcano that just erupted, its lava rushing angrily from the back of Josh’s neck and filling the hollow cavity of his ribcage.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re being stupid!” he said.</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t get it, Josh!” Ken spat out. “This is my dream! I can’t hold back now!”</p><p> </p><p>“I <em>do </em>get it, you moron!” Josh shouted in reply. “You want to drop out of college <em>against</em> your parents’ wishes to do <em>what</em>, exactly? To play sing-along?!”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Shut up</em>!” Ken grabbed his hair in an attempt to pull it off his scalp. “Don’t you dare make fun of this!”</p><p> </p><p>“Dude, I’m not making fun of it! I’m just telling it like it is! You’re <em>not</em> thinking clearly right now!”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Argh</em>! I thought you’d understand! But you’re just like them!”</p><p> </p><p>Josh barked out a short and mocking laugh. “Well, if by ‘like them’ you mean that I care about your <em>future</em>, then yes! I <em>am </em>like them.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Ugh</em>! You’re such a—<em>fuck you</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>“Is ‘fuck you’ your entire counterargument? If yes, then you can leave my room now.”</p><p> </p><p>“Fine! I’m leaving! And if this thing goes well, don’t even <em>think </em>that I’ll call you up once I’m famous.”</p><p> </p><p>“With that attitude? I’d rather <em>not </em>be associated with you!”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Fuck you</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Get out, </em>brat!”</p><p> </p><p>Ken stomped off toward the door, Josh following close by with a shorter but equally angry gait.</p><p> </p><p>As soon as Ken was out of the room, Josh slammed the door as harshly as he could manage. The doorframe shook at the force of the collision. The impact was so strong, Josh heard one or two of his robot figurines clattering to the floor.</p><p> </p><p>Josh groaned as he threw himself onto his bed, buried his face in his pillow, and bellowed into it.</p><p> </p><p>Ken might be the most attractive human being Josh had ever seen, but that didn’t stop him from being stupidly infuriating at times.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>He quit college. Ken <em>Motherfucking </em>Suson did not enroll for the second semester because some record label waved a contract in his face with the promise of stardom. The idiot.</p><p> </p><p>Josh didn’t see him at the university anymore at the beginning of classes. A little later, Stell, one of their Se-Eon crewmates, told Josh he had quit the group to go full-time in show business. Josh was honestly happy for Ken; a part of him knew Ken belonged onstage. But the larger, more rational part of him didn’t quite get the impulsivity that made Ken drop everything to be a singer.</p><p> </p><p>Josh didn’t think it was practical. The whole world knew how hard it is to thrive in such a competitive industry. Not everyone made it. Even if they did, it took even more effort to stay there. Josh knew that the only way for people to have a stable music career is if they were exceptionally talented.</p><p> </p><p>Apparently, ‘Ken’—<em>just</em> Ken as his stage name, he wanted to be mysterious by dropping the ‘Suson’—<em>was</em> exceptionally talented. Only a few weeks since semester started, he became somewhat of a hot sensation. Ken’s minor television and radio guestings became a regular thing. He had dropped a ballad single which became a hit among casual listeners. He had even been invited to numerous music shows. His handful of fans became a hundred, a thousand, until they established a battalion on their own.</p><p> </p><p>It was easy to admit that Josh was surprised at this amazing feat. Ken had started from the bottom of the litter and was now clawing his way up. Sure, he had a long way to go before he got to where he wanted, but Ken was getting there slowly.</p><p> </p><p>Josh had forgotten how driven and passionate Ken was about his dream. If only he remembered, he wouldn’t have yelled at Ken so much and believed in him a little more. There was a little bit of pain in his chest as he remembered Ken’s hurt look when they fought. They may have only known each other a few months, but they were good friends. And Josh realized he <em>could</em> have been more supportive about Ken in his endeavors.</p><p> </p><p>But… it was probably too late. They fought and, as quickly as their friendship came, it went. It was a little consolation that they had a falling apart before Josh was in too deep. Josh guessed it was for the best. The young star was probably having the time of his life, forgetting that at one point he had met someone by the name of Josh Cullen Santos.</p><p> </p><p>That was why it was a surprise when Josh arrived in his dorm room late at night from the lab, and Ken was sitting in front of his door, his head on his knees.</p><p> </p><p>Josh stopped dead on the hallway just staring. He didn’t know how he knew it was Ken, but as soon as he saw the hunched figure in front of the door, he was sure. Ken just sat there, quiet, and had two large bags beside him. Far from expectation, he did not look like he was having the time of his life.</p><p> </p><p>Josh approached him, pausing just two steps from the man who managed to look like a human version of a kicked puppy.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re blocking my door,” Josh said.</p><p> </p><p>Ken craned his neck to look up at him. His face was flushed red, like he’d drunk one too many, and his eyes were hooded and unfocused.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Josh</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>“Surprised to know you still remember my name.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken slowly averted his gaze and hung his head again. Then his shoulders started to shake, like tiny earthquakes that made his hunched form tremble. A whimper escaped his mouth before he sniffed.</p><p> </p><p>“I shouldn’t have come here,” he said, getting up and picking up his bags.</p><p> </p><p>Ken had just started walking away when Josh mustered up enough courage to grab his arm. Josh sighed.</p><p> </p><p>“Fine. Talk. What happened?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken’s head slowly turned to him. As Ken stared, the lost and broken look in those dark brown irises pierced Josh’s soul. Pain and confusion marred Ken’s handsome features. It hurt. <em>Fucking hell</em>, it hurt.</p><p> </p><p>Josh tightened his grip on the other’s arm, concern replacing the frown he wore.</p><p> </p><p>“Dude… You okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken shook his head, his face scrunching up into a beautiful-ugly frown as he welled up in tears. “No,” he just said.</p><p> </p><p>He started shaking again, and Josh automatically patted his shoulder. When Ken whimpered, he slung both his arms around Ken to pull him into a comforting hug and pat his back. Ken let himself be taken into Josh’s arms, resting his forehead on the other’s shoulders. He gripped the back of Josh’s shirt tightly, as if it was all he could do to stop himself from breaking down.</p><p> </p><p>As he cried, Josh could smell the scent of cheap beer from him. He could never stand the smell, and Josh had never drunk more than a can. But the way it mixed with the hypnotizing scent of Ken’s favorite cologne made Josh breathe it in. The smell lingered under his nose, sending a warmth coursing through his veins.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, hey… <em>Shhh</em>… Stop crying, it sounds ugly,” Josh said when Ken stopped holding back his keening cries. This made Ken bawl even more and Josh said, “<em>Geez</em>, man. You sound like a wailing ghost.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Fuck you</em>,” Ken said in a deep whisper that sounded sexy so close to Josh’s ears.</p><p> </p><p>The warmth in his body pulsed with vengeance. Josh pulled away from the embrace. “Your five-minute hug is over. Are you calm enough to give me an explanation?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken gave a short chuckle that sounded like victory in Josh’s ears. Then, he took a deep breath and, looking down at his shoes, said, “I ran away from home.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>What</em>?!”</p><p> </p><p>“I knew you’d react that way.”</p><p> </p><p>“Seriously, <em>what</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>“My parents found out I didn’t enroll this semester…” Ken started, his breath thick with inebriation. “I wanted to tell them later but… they found out and we fought.”</p><p> </p><p>“You mean your parents aren’t aware that you dropped out?!”</p><p> </p><p>“No… I told them I would try to juggle singing and studying but—look, I <em>know </em>I made the right decision but… they don’t understand.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh heaved a sigh and ran his hand through his hair. He didn’t understand, either. And it didn’t help his brain that it was late in the evening, he was tired, and there was a familiar heat coursing all over his body that he wanted to deal with.</p><p> </p><p>But when Josh took one look at Ken, his priorities quickly shifted. Now, he just wanted to make sure this stupid young man was okay.</p><p> </p><p>“So you hauled your ass and your entire wardrobe from your house to my tiny dorm room?”</p><p> </p><p>“I stopped to get a few drinks on the way.”</p><p> </p><p>“More than a few, obviously. How long have you been waiting here?”</p><p> </p><p>“A few minutes? An hour?”</p><p> </p><p>“Dude, don’t you have <em>other </em>friends who have bigger houses? Or like, a girlfriend? I don’t know…”</p><p> </p><p>“I do… But… I wanted… to see you…” Ken said tentatively. “You’re the only one I can trust with these things.”</p><p> </p><p>“And you think that’s gonna make me forgive you for your parting words last time?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken looked away, not talking.</p><p> </p><p>“Ugh, <em>fine</em>. <em>Fine</em>!” Josh said, throwing his hands in the air. “But you’re sleeping on the airbed <em>and </em>you’re gonna look for a room to rent tomorrow, alright?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken smiled. He blushed. “Thanks, Josh.”</p><p> </p><p><em>Two words</em>, he thought. They fought over two words and it was strangely poetic that they made up over two words, too. It was almost unfair. It started to take Ken less and less to make Josh fall deeper and deeper.</p><p> </p><p>From that childish crush that was akin to a Voltes V veneration to the tingling heat in his flesh that demanded release, Josh felt himself being pulled into a new kind of want. He wanted to protect Ken. He wanted to make sure all his dreams came true. He wanted to never see his tears again.</p><p> </p><p>And he wanted him close. Oh, so close, like how they were in his postmidnight dreams. Just the two of them stripped of all unnecessary pretention. Just them in each other’s company and sharing body, heart, and soul. Josh wanted… and he didn’t know how to quell that burning want.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Hey, Ken, bathroom’s free to use,” Josh said as soon as he got out of the bathroom.</p><p> </p><p>He had cooled down significantly as he took his time bathing. He needed to be calm and collected given the predicament he was in. Liking Ken from afar was one thing; sleeping in one room with him until further notice was another. Not even with Josh’s smarts could he figure out how to properly behave and hide his desires when the young man was so dangerously unaware of how he affects Josh.</p><p> </p><p><em>Like he is now</em>, Josh thought when he saw his visitor.</p><p> </p><p>Ken, the idiot, was lying down on Josh’s bed instead of the airbed. He had not changed out of his clothes and was comfortably splayed over Josh’s mattress and his blankets. His chest rose and fell as he breathed, peaceful in that temporary reprieve.</p><p> </p><p>Josh approached him, sitting on the floor beside the narrow bed. Ken’s eyes were puffy with how much he had cried. There was a red tinge around them from how much he rubbed and wiped the tears that escaped.</p><p> </p><p>Ken was apparently starting to get a little overworked with everything he was trying to accomplish, and the added stress of his family issues was getting to him. Maybe it was because he was drunk but once he started talking, Ken just spilled everything and he cried nonstop; both at how stressed he was and how uncool he looked crying his eyes out.</p><p> </p><p>Josh reached out a hand to gently trace the dark circles under his eyes. Ken’s eyes remained beautiful despite them. As Josh leaned in closer, he could see how deep they were set, how perfectly round the shape was, how long the lashes that lined his eyelids were.</p><p> </p><p>Josh leaned in again. His heart was starting to beat a little faster with just how close he was letting himself get. He planted his hand on the wall next to his bed and hovered just above the other man’s face. Ken breathed out in his sleep. His lips parted slightly, inviting, as if he was testing just how fragile Josh’s self-control was.</p><p> </p><p>And it <em>was </em>fragile.</p><p> </p><p>He leaned in, closer still. There was only a sliver of space between their lips and Josh was so tempted to just close the gap. He licked his lips to wet them, veins pulsing with fire even though he had just taken a cold shower.</p><p> </p><p>How easy it would be to just plant a kiss on those lips and give his tension some sort of release. Josh thought it was easier than taking a robot apart. He breathed, already imagining how soft those lips would feel against his, how they would taste, and if he could ever let them go once they were locked in his.</p><p> </p><p>But… Josh probably wouldn’t want to let them go. His self-control was fragile like that. If he kissed Ken now, he would probably need more and more until the growing want and hunger in him was completely satisfied. He needed more than just a kiss. He needed… to touch.</p><p> </p><p>Josh slowly leaned back, massaging his temple. If he was fucked before, he is <em>utterly fucked </em>now. And in a different sense, he wanted to be, quite literally. He swallowed to wet his parched throat.</p><p> </p><p>He needed someone. <em>Shit</em>. That escalated quickly. It had been a while since he had been aroused enough to actually seek out another person’s warmth, but apparently Ken was a trigger he didn’t know he had to watch out for.</p><p> </p><p>How unfair that Ken could unknowingly bring down his defenses, even if he was just lying there asleep.</p><p> </p><p>Josh hung his head and resigned. He needed to get out before he did something he would regret. Instead of crawling over the airbed, Josh changed into a simple black button-up and a pair of slacks. Then, he went out of his room just before the devil’s hour.</p><p> </p><p>Josh traveled halfway across the city to find another soul who wanted the same thing as he did. A substitute. A distraction. Anything that could appease his inner pining even for a moment. It wasn’t the first time; and that night Josh knew it wouldn’t be the last, either. Josh should have known he was already doomed from the day Ken had told him he needed him. Now Ken was back in his life like he had never left, and Josh didn’t think he could stay away even if he tried.</p><p> </p><p>Since then, Josh kept Ken close; but not <em>too </em>close. Just enough that he could be by his side no matter the cost, but distant enough for Ken not to uncover things Josh didn’t want him to know. Over the weeks, months, and years, his hunger for the young man grew. As it did, so did his hope. And Josh thought to himself, what a pitiful arrangement he found himself to be in.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. 2AM track four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>limbo (lim-bo) - n., an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution</p><p>src: google (is my best friend right now)</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>next update may take a while</p><p>chapter contains: reminiscing about josh’s backstory in the present; heavy narrations; mediocre+unbeta-ed writing; ken being a stupid straight man?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>their own version of limbo</h1><p> </p><p><em>Well, that was weird, </em>Josh thought immediately when he woke up. It wasn’t like him to dream vivid dreams about past events. His dreams were typically either extremely weird or extremely sexy. But last night’s dream was nothing like his previous dreams. In his sleep, memories of how he met and grew to yearn for Ken played in his mind like an old movie. It made him both curious and anxious at the same time.</p><p> </p><p>Josh felt for his phone on his narrow bed and checked the time. Past two in the afternoon. Well, it was his usual wake-up time. He decided he needed to get up to have breakfast or a late lunch. He got up, stretched his back, and walked to his small kitchen right outside his room.</p><p> </p><p>As he was pondering about what to cook, he caught a glimpse of the various pieces of paper stuck on the fridge with irregularly shaped magnets. Bills, reminders, song ideas, bills… and then at the very back was a year-old piece of paper. The paper had the words ‘<strong>SB University Graduate School of Engineering</strong>’ written at the very top in big bold letters, and just underneath it read, ‘<em>Master of Science in Mechanical Engineering Prospectus</em>’.</p><p> </p><p><em>Dreams, huh</em>, he thought to himself. His eyes travelled from the prospectus to the small wooden crate beside the fridge which contained his assortment of tools, wires, circuits, and gears.</p><p> </p><p>It started with an album. Or maybe it was better to state that it ended with Ken’s first album.</p><p> </p><p>Ken had crashed into Josh’s old dorm room that day all those years ago, complaining about how the demos in his first album sucked. He had yelled and thrown a tantrum at how the songs were bland and lifeless, even though they were made by pros.</p><p> </p><p>“Well…” Josh said then, reading the lyrics on the music sheets. “I can’t say much about the music, but the lyrics don’t fit you maybe?”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Me</em>?” he asked.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah… Like… They’re good lyrics, but they’re not <em>Ken</em> lyrics? Your soul isn’t in there, or something.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh pointed out some parts of the song that didn’t seem to him like something Ken would sing. Maybe it was because he knew the singer well enough, but there were words and emotions that were either too much or lacking. When he finished explaining, Ken grabbed his wrist. Josh jumped, so did his heart.</p><p> </p><p>“Boss…” he started. “Why don’t <em>you</em> make the lyrics?”</p><p> </p><p>“What.”</p><p> </p><p>“I mean… no offense to Mr. What’s-His-Name, but he can’t draw out as much of my potential as your lyrics can!”</p><p> </p><p>“Ken, I’ve got labwork and papers to write. I don’t have time—”</p><p> </p><p>“Come on, dre! Please? I’m sure this will be easy for you, anyway!” Ken pleaded. “Please, for the second time. <em>I need you</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>Those words again.</p><p> </p><p>Josh <em>hated </em>how Ken easily knew how to change his mind. It didn’t even take a lot of effort, but Josh easily relented without Ken even trying. Of course, he said yes. Hesitantly. Because how could he say ‘no’ to those starry eyes and that pleading look as Ken held his hand?</p><p> </p><p>Josh humored Ken then. After all, it was his first album. It was a big deal. Josh rode along his whims and overhauled the lyrics. Ken took it to his agent and the producers. Josh had no expectations except that they would reject the revisions much like how Josh’s professors rejected <em>his </em>paper’s revisions.</p><p> </p><p>But for some odd reason, as if there was strange magic at work, the company agreed with Ken on the lyrics. Three days later, Josh was given a contract which he hardly understood, along with a hefty sum of money for the lyrics he wrote.</p><p> </p><p>After that one time, it happened over and over, taking up more of Josh’s time. Ken’s career skyrocketed at an unbelievable pace and he was on fire for making demos and tracks, all waiting for Josh’s lyrics. It eventually came to the point where Josh decided to apply for a Leave of Absence in Graduate School. He let go of his scholarship and his position at the lab assistantship because, hey. Graduate School and the Lab will always be there; but Ken’s dreams would not wait.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s the dumbest decision you’ve made so far,” his friend, Justin, had told him.</p><p> </p><p>Justin was a freshman undergraduate researcher from the Computer Engineering Department. Josh had worked with him on several programs and software for their lab, and they became close right away. Justin looked up to Josh as some sort of mentor, and Josh relied on Justin whenever his logic was failing him.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, I’m just going to help him out,” Josh said. “But it’s only for a little while. I’ll be back before you know it.”</p><p> </p><p>Justin pouted. “<em>If</em> you even come back.”</p><p> </p><p>“What. Why not?”</p><p> </p><p>“Classic foot-in-the-door!” Justin exclaimed, giving him a disgusted stare. “You said ‘yes’ to the smaller favors so now you can’t say ‘no’ to the bigger ones.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re being ridiculous, Justin,” Josh laughed at him. “It’ll only be for a year. Once Ken’s career is more stable, I’ll come back to the lab and hang out with you again.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh didn’t know how he was able to let his scholarship go just to support Ken at the time. In retrospect, he thought that Justin was probably right. Because a year became two, three, until he had stayed as the semi-regular lyricist for the Emerging Pop Icon. And all Ken had to say was three stupid words.</p><p> </p><p>‘I need you’. It was like a magic phrase that made Josh leave everything behind for Ken. Ken needed him for the lyrics, Josh was there. Ken needed him for support as he and his parents were making up, Josh was there. Ken needed him to be there whenever his relationships fucked up, Josh was there.</p><p> </p><p>Josh knew he could have left on his own volition. Over the years, he had been hurt more times than he was gratified because of the feelings he harbored for Ken. His everyday life had gotten boring and stale, revolving around Ken and his world. He didn’t know what he was doing with his life anymore. Waking up was a bother, going out was a bother, being there was a bother. So why did he stay?</p><p> </p><p>Josh had come to ask himself this question many times. And every time, he would come up with the same answer. Because it felt nice. It felt nice that he was able to help Ken out. It felt nice to know that Ken really <em>did </em>need him, not just in his career but in general. As if there was a special place in Ken’s life that only Josh could fill; a special place meant for him.</p><p> </p><p>Josh stayed because, despite what he tried to deny, he had <em>hope</em>. He hoped that maybe one day Ken would feel about him the same way he does. Surely, one day, Ken would return even a fraction of the affections Josh had for him.</p><p> </p><p>Being the fool that he was, Josh hoped until his hope started to flicker, and doubts and questions started to fill in. He hoped until he questioned his own hope, his own happiness, his own purpose. Why? Why was he still there? Why was he still hoping?</p><p> </p><p>Josh didn’t realize he had been staring blankly at his toolbox until his phone beeped loudly because of an incoming message. He took his phone and opened the message.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <strong>2:40PM<br/>
From: Lodi Ken</strong>
  </p>
  <p>Ey boss! I got news!<br/>
You busy? 🤩✨🤘</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>Josh read the message again and sighed. Over the years, Ken’s ‘I need you’ magic phrase turned into just about anything he said. And Josh’s response would be to automatically make himself available, no matter what and no matter when. It was one of those things that he did even if it didn’t make sense anymore.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <strong>2:43PM<br/>
To: Lodi Ken</strong>
  </p>
  <p>Nah. Come on over.<br/>
And bring food.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>Josh took one look at his small, messy apartment and sighed. He cleaned up his living room a little bit, wiped the table and swept the floor, before he took a quick bath and changed into a fresh set of clothes.</p><p> </p><p>When he was done, he sat on the couch, waiting. That was what he was good at when it came to Ken: he just waited on him.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“So, I guess that’s that, then!” Sejun said. Ken wasn’t really listening to him. He was too busy texting Josh, asking what the other wanted to eat. Despite his lithe frame, the Boss ate a lot and was never satisfied with just a few cups of rice.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, Ken. Are you listening?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, yeah. Just give me a sec.” ‘<em>A bucket of fried chicken, lots of barbeque, and kwek-kwek for Boss. Got it</em>👌😎’, he replied to Josh. When he finished sending the message, he looked up at Sejun and smiled. “What was that?”</p><p> </p><p>The producer ran his tongue over the braces of his front teeth. Ken had noticed this was something he liked to do whenever he was paying close attention to something.</p><p> </p><p>As he predicted, the older man crossed his arms, leaned back on the swivel chair, and smirked at him. At that moment, Sejun dropped his business persona to don a teasing but friendly smile. “Let me guess who you’re texting.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken gave him a look.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s your <em>husband</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“Husband?”</p><p> </p><p>“You know who I’m talking about.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken laughed. “Okay. How’d you know it was Josh?”</p><p> </p><p>Sejun rolled his almond-shaped brown eyes at Ken.</p><p> </p><p>“No, seriously. How did you know?”</p><p> </p><p>“Aside from the fact that you only have a few close friends, you text Josh about every little thing. It wasn’t that hard to guess.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re making it sound weird, dre.”</p><p> </p><p>“And you’re making it sound <em>platonic</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“Whaaaaat?” Ken narrowed his eyes at Sejun as the two of them stood and started heading out the door. “Dude, we’re not like that.”</p><p> </p><p>Sejun scoffed. “<em>Right</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, seriously. I mean, Josh is straight as a ruler.”</p><p> </p><p>“And <em>you’re</em> not?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, I <em>am</em>. I thought that was a given.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay… but if he’s <em>not</em> straight, you’ll—?” Sejun did stabbing motions in the air. Ken couldn’t help but laugh, lightly punching Sejun on the shoulder instead of responding.</p><p> </p><p>They walked down the hall to the elevator, silently making their way to the lower basement parking lot of the building. Being the older among the two of them, Sejun always felt the need to see Ken off to his car.</p><p> </p><p>When they got to where he had parked his black Altis, Sejun gave Ken another smile and said, “So… Say ‘hello’ to Josh for me.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken paused just when he was about to open the door to ask, “Okay. How did—?” Sejun gave him a knowing look, making him cut his question short. “I’m not even gonna ask.”</p><p> </p><p>Sejun just nodded. “Drive safely to Josh’s.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I will.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken started his engine and then drove out of the company building. There was a smile that he could not wipe off his face. He looked at the rear-view mirror and saw that he was grinning dumbly, feeling giddy with the news.</p><p> </p><p>A solo concert. A <em>fucking </em>solo concert. Finally, after working hard for five years he was going to perform in one of the biggest stages in the country on a show by himself. Ken couldn’t help but reminisce about the days he only dreamed about everything that had been happening now. Those days sure seemed far away.</p><p> </p><p>Ken thought about Josh. He wondered what his reaction would be if he told him about the concert. Josh would probably snap his head in his direction, eyes going wide, and then he would say, ‘Are you for real?’ Ken laughed. He could hear his friend’s voice in his head so clearly, Josh might as well have been sitting on the passenger seat.</p><p> </p><p>Ken decelerated and stopped in front of the street food stall near their company building which Josh frequented. He smiled as soon as he saw the kwek-kwek and thought that his friend would probably choke if he told him the news.</p><p> </p><p>Throughout the chaos of his life and career, Ken was one lucky guy for having Josh. He wasn’t just Ken’s lyricist. He was Ken’s constant. He was a good friend, a shoulder to lean on, a close confidant, and his emotional pillar. Josh was there to call him out for most of his bullshit and encourage him to take risks in his career. Sometimes, Ken wondered how in the world Josh got stuck with him.</p><p> </p><p>Josh never asked for anything in return. Although he sometimes jokes about a larger pay for his songs, Ken had never seen Josh get tired of him. Ken wonders if there was anything he could do to make it up to Josh, to get him to smile more often, and laugh for no reason. Ken might not be the best friend Josh deserved, but he wanted him happy just the same.</p><p> </p><p>“Uhm, <em>kuya</em>, how much for the really spicy sauce?” Ken asked the vendor from inside his car. He had rolled the windows down and ordered five sets of kwek-kwek that he knew Josh could finish by himself.</p><p> </p><p>“I-It’s free, sir,” said the middle-aged man. The vendor had been flustered as soon as he saw Ken, and even offered to give him the food for free. Ken, of course, thought it was inappropriate, and said he would pay for it in full.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh… I actually meant… Can I buy the entire tub?”</p><p> </p><p>“The… tub, sir Ken?” he clarified, gazing at the gallon of spiced vinegar. “Ah, I’m afraid it’s not for sale.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh… why?”</p><p> </p><p>“For the other customers, sir.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken thought for a while. “How about I give you P3000, and then you can give me the tub. <em>And</em> I’ll return the container to you tomorrow?”</p><p> </p><p>“T-Three thousand is too much, sir!”</p><p> </p><p>“Nah, come on. It’s not too much at all. It’s <em>that</em> good.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well…”</p><p> </p><p>“Come on, <em>kuya</em>,” Ken said, winking at him. “It’s a special occasion. Help me out a little bit.”</p><p> </p><p>The vendor handed Ken the plastic bags containing his order. Then, he sighed and took the tub out and gave it to Ken, too.</p><p> </p><p>“Much obliged,” the idol told him, beaming widely as he handed him three blue bills.</p><p> </p><p>“Eh, sir… You must really like the sauce, huh?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, no,” Ken chuckled. “I can’t handle spicy stuff. This is… a friend really likes it so… it’s a gift.”</p><p> </p><p>Spicy food, barbeque, kwek-kwek, shiny new hardware, and robot miniatures. Those were the things that made Josh happy, Ken knew. Those were the only things he could give to Josh to see the rare toothy smiles that looked so good on him. Those were the only ways Ken could repay Josh for all his hard work and just his general presence in Ken’s life.</p><p> </p><p>‘<em>You’re making it sound platonic</em>,’ Sejun had said. Ken just chuckled at the thought.</p><p> </p><p>It wasn’t the first time people had mistaken him and Josh as a couple. Ken blamed his own clinginess, not hesitating to touch Josh even in public. His friend never says anything about it; and Ken knew Josh secretly liked being pet or touched. That was just how close they were as friends. Ken was glad to have someone be so permissive of his weirdness.</p><p> </p><p>People just misunderstand. People were just biased. Ken thought that what he and Josh had might be a bit different, but it was totally normal between friends. Ken even liked to think they were opposing the toxic masculinity culture that people held in so high a regard that it was nauseating.</p><p>
  
</p><p><em>This is totally normal</em>, he thought to himself as he fixed his clothes. He was standing right in front of Josh’s apartment door, carrying the bags of food in one hand while the tub was in the other. He knocked on the door and it opened soon after.</p><p> </p><p>“It must be really good news if you forgot to use the keys again,” Josh said as soon as he opened the door. He had one eyebrow cocked, his eyes reflecting the color of the beautiful sunset behind Ken. His silver hair was tinged orange as the rays hit the strands.</p><p> </p><p>Ken smiled even wider. “You’ll never guess what it is.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh just rolled his eyes, making Ken laugh, and they both entered Josh’s apartment. They went to the kitchen where Ken laid everything that he had bought while Josh set his toolbox aside.</p><p> </p><p>“You still not done with your passion project?” Ken asked, motioning to Josh’s collection of sundry mechanical items. He knew his friend was trying to make a robot of some sort.</p><p> </p><p>“Nah, haven’t gotten the time,” he replied as he proceeded to take some juices out of the fridge. Then, Josh recognized the gallon spiced vinegar that Ken laid on the kitchen table. “You bought the entire fucking tub?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, yeah. You like that sauce, don’t you?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh gaped at him. “Yes, but… what… ugh… <em>geez</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m going to return it tomorrow.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’d <em>better</em>, doofus,” Josh told him. “‘Cause you have a bad habit of not returning plastic containers.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Anyway</em>,” Ken started before Josh could start a litany. He sat on the kitchen counter while the other took out the food and laid them on the table. “So I… am all set for a solo concert.”</p><p> </p><p>Three, two, one… Ken counted down the millisecond it took for Josh to react.</p><p> </p><p>Josh quickly turned his head to him, eyes bulging from his sockets, and then he said, “<em>Are you for real</em>?!”</p><p> </p><p>Ken laughed, having predicted his reaction from the head turn right to the way his thick eyebrows would shoot up his forehead. Josh was predictable like that. Or, Ken could predict Josh so easily like that.</p><p> </p><p>“We’ll announce in a few days,” Ken said. He watched Josh put his hands in his hair, combing the gray strands. “Shocking, huh?”</p><p> </p><p>“Dude! This is <em>great </em>news! We should celebrate!”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s why I’m here!” Ken said, hopping off the counter and pulling Josh in a one-armed side hug. “Now, come on. I’m sure you want to dig into the kwek-kwek.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ugh, I’m salivating just thinking about the sauce.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh looked like he still couldn’t believe what Ken had told him, but his arm was around Ken’s waist and patting him proudly… just like Ken knew he would. Josh kept talking as he prepared the table for the two of them. Ken gave him a side glance, smiling smugly at how happy he looked as the news sunk in.</p><p> </p><p>This was just how he and Josh were. Josh would be happy for every single victory Ken had as if it were his own. Ken would spoil Josh with just about anything he could. Ken thought everyone should have a friend like that. Someone who stayed and accepted another unconditionally. Because if it wasn’t already normal, then everyone else sure was missing out on having such a blessing and a miracle as the man beside him.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. 2AM track five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>something finally happens as josh meets an old friend</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>chapter contains: justin; heavy narrations; mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>the opening move in chess</h1>
<p> </p>
<p>“What?! But I’m already at your apartment!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You have the keys, dork. Just wait inside or go home.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But… I wanna hang out with youuuu!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Then you’re gonna have to wait. I’m having dinner with someone.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken’s voice dropped an octave lower from his high-pitched whining. “Who?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“A friend from the university.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s a girl, isn’t it?” Ken complained. From his end, Josh could hear a door creak open and then close. “You’re meeting some girl, aren’t you?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ugh, shut up. I’m not. I’m meeting Justin,” Josh replied. At that moment, someone shook Josh from the back, causing him to jump. “<em>Argh</em>!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Josh? What happened?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, sorry I’m late!” came a familiar bubbly voice.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh was brought back to the table where he sat. The sounds of the bustling restaurant around him registered in his ears. Silverware clinking against porcelain plates and the hushed discussions all around him was layered with the sound of lovely acoustic-jazz music coming from the stereo. As he looked up, a young man in his early twenties appeared. He smiled and sat across him on his table for four. Josh smiled upon recognizing the gummy grin, narrow eyes, and pointed nose topped by soft hair that fell like a curtain over his forehead. The last time they saw each other, Justin had black hair. Now, he had golden bronze locks, making his skin look brighter in the orange light of the restaurant.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Jah</em>!” Josh greeted back with a wide and enthusiastic smile. He returned to Ken on the phone only to say, “Hey, I’m gonna have to call you back. Justin’s here.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What—<em>Wait</em>—!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh cut off the call to stand and pull his friend in his arms. Justin welcomed his embrace, chuckling and patting Josh on the back.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, nice hair!” Justin complimented. “Did I interrupt a call?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Nah, it’s fine… it was just Ken.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Justin’s eyes rolled back, making Josh chuckle. His younger friend had never been fond of the singer, despite not having met him yet. Justin was under the impression that Ken was a selfish, conceited bastard trying to suck the life out of Josh. Josh can only laugh because there was no way to defend Ken with Justin’s bias against him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I haven’t seen you in a long time! It’s been, what? A year?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“More than a year,” Justin replied.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Right… Sorry I couldn’t make it to your coming home party last week,” Josh said once he was seated in front of Justin again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, it’s fine,” Justin said, waving his hand in the air. “It’s not like you were the only one missing from the old lab crew. And it’s not like I just got back from my year-long exchange at UC Berkeley.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh gave Justin a wide-eyed look. “Ah, you’re trying to guilt trip me!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Haha, only a little bit,” Justin said. “But seriously… the gang misses you. How have you been?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, you know…” Josh shrugged. “Busy, I guess? When I’m not writing lyrics, I’m at the old Se-Eon studio giving dance workshops.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No mech stuff?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No mech stuff.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Justin pouted. “You should do some mech stuff.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I do some, haha. But only on my free time,” he said, uncomfortable with the topic for the moment. Josh felt the need to change it, and so he said, “But hey, tell me how UC’s been for you?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, my gosh! It’s been really great!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Justin’s eyes shone with excitement. He took in a huge gulp of air once before chattering away about his exchange at the University of California in Berkeley. Justin gave Josh a detailed narration of his daily life, his classes, the innovations, and facilities at Berkeley. Josh would butt-in and get overexcited with him about the working prototypes of robotic pets or the fact that their lab has a pantry with an espresso machine. Josh couldn’t help but envy Justin’s stories. After all, there was a time when Josh had been offered a research grant at the same university before he quit graduate school.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He buried the slight sting that started to grow in his chest. Instead of moping, he focused on Justin, and the young man’s pride and growth in just the year he was away. Even if it was a privilege Josh was not able to enjoy, he was still happy that his good friend got to go on exchange there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Woah, that’s so cool, Jah,” Josh said. Their food had already arrived, but they had barely touched their meals because they were so busy talking. Josh didn’t realize he had missed nerding out to someone about non-show business matters until his meeting with Justin. “So what plans do you have now?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Justin poked his roasted chicken. “Well, since I missed the graduation rites, I’ll have to work on getting my credentials. And then, I’ll go and apply at the lab again!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m sure you’ll get in! I mean, an undergraduate exchange at UC? That’s <em>got </em>to get you an assistantship.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, the guys back at the lab have been talking to me about it since a few months back,” Justin smiled. “I <em>really </em>want to get in.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It also helps that you have that pretty special assistant, huh?” Josh teased. “What’s her name again? Sharlene?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The brunette blushed. “<em>S-She’s got nothing to do with my application</em>!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sure, sure,” Josh said, taking a spoonful of his potatoes. “But… I’m really proud of you, Jah. You’ve come far from that stick figure of a boy I met a few years back.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Har, har,” Justin said, the blush on his cheeks less visible now. As he looked at Josh, Justin’s expression turned serious. “What about you? Any plans for resuming graduate school?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh could not meet Justin’s eyes. He lowered his gaze to his plate and pushed the potatoes and the carrots around. “You know I can’t leave him yet.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The groan that escaped Justin’s mouth was a groan that Josh had heard a million times in the past. Despite everything they agreed on, Justin could still not understand why Josh had abandoned the bright future he had in engineering for Ken. He could not understand what Josh saw in the idol, whom to Justin was the devil incarnate sent to torment his friend. The two of them talk about Josh’s relationship, or the lack thereof, with Ken in their chats. Each time, Justin never holds back on expressing his disapproval of the raven-haired singer.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Kuya</em> Josh,” Justin started, using the nickname he reserved for serious discussions, “I love you like a brother. You are the closest person to me, not counting my four older brothers.” He sighed. “You really need to realize how unhealthy your attachment to that guy has become.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh felt his cheeks grow warmer as he chuckled. It was not the romantic kind of blush. It was the blush that made him feel loved and cared for as a person. The kind of warmth that he felt from the familial bond he shared with Justin and a few other friends he rarely met anymore because of his commitments to Ken’s career.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You know I appreciate you, Baby Jah,” he told him. “But I just feel like Ken still needs me around.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Of course</em>, <em>he’ll need you</em>,” Justin groaned. “You make yourself available for his every beck and call. Seriously, he’s a grown man, Kuya Josh!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Haha, I know, I know. But he’s… wayward and uncontrollable. He doesn’t listen to a lot of people besides me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hmp. I’m not even sure if you see him as a potential partner or if you see him as your son.” Justin took a huge bite of his meal. “Either way, he’s forcing you stay when you could do so much more with your skills.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, I chose this. Anyway, I’m probably too old to get back to grad school.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What? You <em>just </em>turned twenty-eight! I’ve had classmates at UC who are twice my age.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But… even if I <em>have </em>been thinking about grad school recently, I don’t think… I mean, I don’t think I still belong there, you know?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Justin stabbed a small, round potato from Josh’s plate and put it in his mouth. “What are you talking about? You’re the best mech guy that I know!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Awwe. You’re making me blush, Baby Jah.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No, <em>seriously</em>! Everyone at the lab keeps talking about how unfortunate it is that you haven’t come back yet. We miss you over there.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Really?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Justin nodded. Then, he gasped as if he just remembered something. “You know what? Why don’t you go to the Expo?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Expo?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah! We’ve been organizing a Robotics Expo for this Summer. It’ll be held at the uni in a few weeks,” Justin explained. “You should go! I’ll give you a pass.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh… Will everyone be there?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yup! <em>And</em> there’ll be private labs and companies, too! It’ll be fun. What do you say?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I… guess I’ll have to check with my schedule…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Alright. Think about it, okay?” Justin smiled a kind smile at him. “Now, let’s stop talking about that guy and talk about something else. Like the robot you said you’ve been working on?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh smiled back at him. This was one of the reasons Josh had grown to like Justin so much. Despite the years that Josh had neglected him and their other group of friends, he still made sure to reach out to Josh and keep tabs. The past few years, everything Josh did had been about Ken. Eventually, he had been completely incapable of maintaining contact with his old friends. With Justin, it was different. Justin was the one who reached out. Josh was thankful for that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They ate and talked for the remainder of dinner. Josh didn’t mention Ken anymore, and Justin didn’t nag Josh about him, either. They nerded out about ongoing research on bioengineering that Justin had stumbled across in Berkeley, and then Josh tried to talk him out of hating alkaline batteries for general everyday use. At the end of dinner, he had made plans with Justin to play video games at his apartment or meet at Se-Eon’s studio to go dancing. Meanwhile, Justin had given him a pamphlet for the Robotics Expo and said they should have lunch sometime soon.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh didn’t notice the time pass as he and Justin continued to talk well into the evening. The whole time, he felt like he was in grad school again: an academic, an engineer, a lab assistant at the university. It was a feeling he had missed, a sense of nostalgia that he welcomed like an old friend.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That night, Josh’s love for his own craft started to stir awake from its long slumber. He didn’t even notice, but a part of him that was already thinking about the prospectus stuck to his fridge. Josh couldn’t help but smile. He fell again. This time, not with Ken, but with engineering… his very first love.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ken… Wake up,” said a voice. Ken was smiling as he heard the crisp, whispery voice, but he didn’t get up just yet. That was when he felt a palm touch his cheek. Ken smiled and rubbed his face against it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Someone sighed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Dude, seriously. Get off my bed.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But your bed is so soft, though,” Ken drawled sleepily.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Wow. That’s coming from a guy who sleeps on a memory foam mattress.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Don’t be stingy.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The same man, and Ken knew this was the owner of the apartment and the bed he crashed into, grabbed him by the ankles and pulled him down. Ken’s eyes opened in surprise. The next moment, he was sliding off the bed, falling butt-first to the floor.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Hey</em>!” Ken looked up and Josh was dusting off his blankets then taking off his jacket to dump on the bedside drawer. He sniggered as he saw Ken, his lips curving upward into a tiny smirk.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh looked tired but happy. Ken immediately noticed the sparkle in his eyes hidden beneath his silver strands. Ken himself smiled at the sight.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He laid his head on the thin mattress of Josh’s bed and asked, “How was your dinner?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uhm… great…” Josh replied, fighting back his smile from growing wider. “Jah and I haven’t seen each other in more than a year so we had a lot to catch up on.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hm… Why?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Because I was busy with work and he went to the US for study.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh. That sounds cool,” Ken whistled.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It really <em>is </em>cool,” Josh replied in a voice laced with excitement. “Like, they’re researching in biosystems and bioengineering over there! Can you believe it? The applications of that kind of technology is astounding—you are smiling so weirdly.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken smiled at him. Josh smiled back before he turned away to put his bag on his small dresser.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s nothing… You just <em>really </em>love all that tech stuff, huh?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, <em>duh</em>,” he replied.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“As much as you love writing lyrics?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Haha, more than.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A sadness crossed Josh’s eyes. Ken would have missed it if they hadn’t known each other for such a long time. It was strange, Ken thought. Only a minute ago, Josh looked like he was really enjoying himself as he talked about nerd stuff Ken didn’t really understand. Now, Josh just turned his gaze and sat down on the floor next to him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken opened his mouth to ask what was bothering him. He wanted to help ease whatever was weighing on Josh’s mind. That was what Josh does for him on a daily basis and Ken just wanted to be there for him as he had always been there for Ken. But despite their proximity and bond, Ken couldn’t help but think Josh was keeping something from him. He was hiding something so closely to his chest that not even Ken could peek into it. A distance Ken could not seem to cross.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The thought that there was something he didn’t know about Josh made Ken feel anxious.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Wow, you look scary. You haven’t eaten yet, have you?” Josh beamed at him when he saw the face Ken was making.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken just shrugged off his teasing. Then he leaned his head to the side so it was almost touching Josh’s shoulders. Almost but not quite.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I wanna eat fried chicken.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh sneered. “This close to midnight?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why not?” he said. “I haven’t eaten dinner yet.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Huh? Why?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I was waiting for you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh let out a tired sigh. He looked like he wanted to say something but was too tired to say it. He just fished his phone from his pocket and started to make an order online for an entire bucket of fried chicken. When he was done, he shoved the delivery confirmation on Ken’s face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“There you go, spoiled brat. Happy?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Yaaay</em>, very!” Ken gave him a cheeky side glance, happy that there was a hint of a sparkle back in his eyes. “Do you wanna write songs in the meantime?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sure…” Josh said rolling his eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken grinned widely at him. They made their way to the living room to wait for their delivery, but not without Josh stopping halfway to pin a pamphlet on his fridge door. When Ken asked him what it was about, Josh just replied it was an event that he looked forward to attending. He didn’t tell Ken more about it, Ken respected his silence and just stood there to wait.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Almost immediately after leaving the piece of paper on the fridge, Josh turned to back to him. Then, with a cocky grin, he said, “Alright. Let’s get it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Let’s get it!” Ken replied, throwing an arm over Josh’s shoulder.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The two of them worked on two demo tracks as they ate fried chicken and drank soda in the living room. Josh was still a genius at weaving words together. Ken followed his lead the whole time, still amazed. It was always a pleasure to spend time with Josh and with music. The two of them together made Ken feel rejuvenated, even after a hard day’s work.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The idol had been so engrossed in working that he failed to notice the distracted glances Josh kept making at the pamphlet stuck in the kitchen door.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>next chapter will be a big surprise 🥶</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. 2AM track six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>josh… needs someone again.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the last scene is the scene where the entire story is birthed from🙈</p>
<p>chapter contains: josh thirsting; josh tops in his dreams sometimes; cursing; m scene; fast paced + mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>skeletons in the closet</h1>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>He pinned Ken’s arms above his head with more force that necessary, but Josh knew he liked it. He liked being handled roughly. Because Ken knew what it meant for what comes next.</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p><em>“</em>Please<em>,” he begged. “I want you.”</em></p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>Josh could not see his eyes, but Ken’s lips parted and shone deliciously under the dim-lit room. He looked ravishing.</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I like it when you beg,” Josh said in a low, sultry voice.</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>He trailed his other hand down, ghosting against the inside of Ken’s thighs before he spread his ass cheeks apart. Ken moaned when Josh lined himself between his legs.</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p><em>“Come on</em>…<em>” Josh challenged. “Let me hear you say ‘please’ again.”</em></p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p><em>“Fuck—stop teasing—fuck—</em>please<em>!”</em></p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p><em>“Don’t struggle</em>…<em>” Josh opened Ken’s legs wider, giving him better access to what he wanted to dig into. “I might miss.”</em></p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p><em>“Just do it already—</em>argh!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh wasn’t even surprised when he woke up hard. He groaned, rolling so he could press his face into his bed. He was tired. Even if he was just the lyricist, he still volunteered to do some minor things for Ken’s first concert. His added duties on top of the usual songwriting had been going on for a few weeks. The stress must have finally caught up to him, his brain telling him he needed to wind down. Unfortunately, this usually translated as sexy time at the premier of his dreams.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And, as usual, Ken was a starring role. The bastard.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He checked the time on his phone. It was mid-afternoon and he needed to meet Justin in thirty minutes. Yet, he was still lazing around in his bed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh groaned again. Completely neglecting the growing ache in his nether regions, he stood and walked to the bathroom. He’ll take care of himself later… if at all. Whatever.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For now, his priority was getting ready because he did not want to receive the wrath of one Justin de Dios.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Squeak</em>! <em>Squeak</em>!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh’s sneakers rubbed against the concrete floor, making high-pitched noises around the studio. As he demonstrated, Justin followed the movements with tension in his limbs. It was not as graceful as it could have been, but Josh thought he was doing well for a beginner.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Of course, not being a dancer, Justin was soon collapsing from exhaustion. He plopped down to the floor, legs spread out and his hands supporting the rest of his body.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I think…” he panted, “I’m done for today.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh threw his head back and laughed. “We’ve only been at it a few hours!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Justin wiped his sweaty upper lip. “I’m not… a dancer like you. I can’t believe you still have this much excess energy!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, well… I haven’t gotten the time for physical activities lately.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Physical activities or <em>physical</em> activities?” the younger male teased.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh sighed as he squat next to Justin on the floor. “We’ve been a bit busy organizing Ken’s first concert and stuff. I didn’t really get the opportunity to… you know…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Get physical?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yup,” Josh replied, making his ‘p’ pop in his mouth.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You know, one of these days I’m gonna want to look at your actual job description.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Haha, and I’m not going to give it to you!” He gave Justin a tired but happy smile. “I’m having fun with what I’m doing with his team.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Justin gave him a look that made Josh think he didn’t believe a thing. “Yeah, right.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh laughed. Justin’s sarcasm was one of the things that Josh found endearing. It assured him that Justin was not afraid to be blunt with him, especially when he needs to hear it. He was grateful for that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nevertheless, Josh liked to be playful with Justin. So, he wrapped his arm around Justin’s neck and pulled the crown of his head against his own knuckle.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Ow</em>! Don’t break my skull, I still need it for grad school!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, yeah? Why don’t you use that mouth of yours since it’s so loud?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Not everyone is charismatic as you—<em>ow</em>!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, you should learn to tame your tongue—!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Josh? Am I interrupting something?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The two of them paused and turned towards the door. Josh still had his arm wrung loosely around Justin’s neck as they were half-sitting, half-lying on the concrete floor. The smile on the silverhead’s face widened the instant he saw who was standing there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken had a gym bag slung across one shoulder. He was wearing a white long-sleeve that was loose enough not to hug his body and shorts that stopped just above his knee. His black hair stuck out from under his cap. Even with the sunglasses that hid half of his face, Josh could see faint traces of a grimace. Ken must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed earlier.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey…!” Josh greeted him. He loosened his arm around Justin’s neck, and they stood up. “What are you doing here?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Is this…?” Justin whispered. Josh, arms still around Justin, just squeezed his shoulder in confirmation. The brunette tensed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Rest day. Thought I’d bust up a sweat,” Ken began. “Who’s this?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Justin said something like ‘<em>Your worst nightmare</em>’ under his breath. It didn’t seem to Josh like his friend wanted to be introduced to Ken yet because he said, “Well, Josh… I guess I’m going to go ahead.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Wait, weren’t we going to have dinner?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Nah, I’ll go ahead.” With his back to Ken, Justin said in a disgusted face, “I think I just lost my appetite.” Then he pulled Josh into a quick hug.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>This made Josh laugh. He pat the younger on the back. “Change out of your clothes.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I will,” he said. Justin broke their hug and started to walk away. “Bye, Kuya Josh…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Bye, Baby Jah…!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Justin did not bother to regard Ken. He just walked past him as if he did not exist at all. Josh would have wanted to laugh if not for the tension between two of his closest friends.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The door clicked shut when the brunette left, leaving Josh and Ken standing in the middle of the room.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What was with that dude?” Ken asked, his face contorting to a look of offense and confusion. He walked to the front of the room where the huge ceiling-to-floor mirror was and laid his bags there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Haha, don’t mind him,” Josh replied. He approached Ken as the other took off his cap and sunglasses. “He’s shy.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken scoffed. Without warning, he took off his top and rummaged through his gym bag for a more comfortable shirt. Josh took the chance to stare at the caramel-colored expanse of skin that was laid bare in front of him. Ken wasn’t ripped, but he was lean and toned from his love for dancing. Josh also knew he was on a strict diet in preparation for the concert and the comeback that would follow. That meant Ken’s arms, back, and his torso was just the right amount of flesh and muscle.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh discreetly licked his lips, hiding it under a fist which he put over his mouth. He pulled his tongue back inside his mouth when Ken was finally clothed again. He sported a loose muscle tee, which Josh cursed and appreciated at the same time. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Up for a few rounds?” Ken said as he casually put his arm around Josh’s shoulder.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh chuckled. “Oh, don’t challenge me, dre.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They stood a few feet away from each other. One of Ken’s dance songs started to play on the studio’s sound system. Beat by beat, they moved in perfect synchronicity.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh and Ken have always been competitive against each other in dancing. Ever since Josh met the dance machine named Ken, the two of them would get into casual dance showdowns against each other. Even back when Josh was still overseeing Ken’s training, they would try to outmatch and outlast each other. This continued through the years, becoming a sort of competitive bonding activity for the two of them. All these instances Josh kept as precious memories in the farthest corners of his heart. This was probably as close as he was going to get. He was going to take what he could.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh was the first to lose his breath in their present bout. He had been dancing with Justin for hours, so only after a few rounds of dancing with Ken his knees started to buck and shake.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He dropped to the floor, waving his sweaty arm in the air, saying, “I… I’m beat—Can’t… I can’t dance anymore…!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken laughed, both hands on his hips and cackling like a maniac. “You’re such a grandpa!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I have been dancing the whole afternoon, brat!” Josh stuck his thumb towards the window. It had gotten dark outside. Orange streaks peeped through the glass as the streetlamps started to illuminate the darkness.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, it’s gotten late.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Ken finally caught his own breath, he approached Josh and held out a hand to him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Fine… since you look so pitiful, I’ll treat you to dinner,” he said. “What do you say?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh pouted. “I want barbeque.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sure…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Spicy barbeque.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Alright, boss,” Ken laughed. “Now just take my hand so we can shower and grab dinner.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh took it, Ken helped him up. They grabbed their bags and continued talking about random things as they made their way to the showers.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The shower room was not lavish or large by any means. It was just a small rectangular room divided into individual stalls. Each stall was equipped with a frosted glass door; directly facing those stalls were the lockers. With its size, the smallest squeak or rustle would echo within the room. So, when Ken started to take off his shirt and Josh gasped, the sound bounced off the walls.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Oh, fuck, that’s right</em>, Josh cursed in his head.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh did not really think much about their showering together until Ken started to take off his muscle tee. Ken had become so comfortable with Josh that he didn’t really mind stripping in front of his friend. It had happened on a few instances in the past. Each time, Josh would turn away of leave. But the room was small. There was no place to escape unless he ran straight past Ken.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He took a deep breath. Josh felt his insides churn and start to burn like a furnace.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You okay?” Ken asked him, pausing. “You’re red.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m… <em>fine</em>.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was not fine.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Not when Ken was starting to lower his shorts. Josh immediately grabbed his bag and towel. With what little bit of the fragile self-control he still had control over, he scampered off to one of the stalls and started to get himself cleaned up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh showered quickly. Quick enough that when he finished, Ken had only just turned on the water in his stall. Josh watched the idol’s silhouette move behind the frosted glass, watched the faint outline of his figure flex his arms and his shoulders.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Just like that, Josh started to crave for human touch. He sighed. After five years, Ken <em>still </em>was a trigger he needed to watch out for. Like a ticking timebomb that could set him aflame at any given moment.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh, being how he was, burned every single time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ken,” he called through his parched throat.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yep?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I think I need to go ahead, sorry.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Huh? Why?” Ken’s voice was inquisitive, but not yet sulking. “You feeling okay?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh… I just need to be somewhere,” Josh replied in a half-truth. “And then, I’ll just go home. I’m not feeling too well.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh… What’s wrong? Want me to take you home? I brought my car.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Nah, it’s all good,” he said. “I’ll be fine. I’m just going to take care of something.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With just a curt ‘bye’, Josh turned on his heel and left.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>When was the last time Josh sought human company? Three, four months ago? He couldn’t remember. He rarely ever succumbs to the temptation; but when he does, he always goes clubbing. It was an activity he tries not to do a lot. His alcohol tolerance was shit, and not everyone who expressed interest were good with one-time things.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Thankfully, the local bar he goes to was a good place to fish for a lost soul. An hour and one can of beer later, Josh was still sober enough to find someone he could go a few rounds with.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The young man he brought with him to his home was tall and athletic. By Josh’s estimate, he would be in his mid-twenties. His figure was much like Ken’s—perhaps that was why Josh was drawn to him in the first place—with long limbs, broad shoulders and a thin waist. He had curly, dark brown tufts of hair that framed his face. His features were… nondescript, but really Josh couldn’t care less. The guy seemed nice, clean, professional; and since Josh was aching for release, he couldn’t afford to be choosy anymore. The sooner he got this over with, the better.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Do you mind receiving?” the man asked as they scrambled to the bed. Josh only then realized that he didn’t even bother to get a name.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Whatever works,” Josh replied, now starting to get high on his arousal.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The young man grinned before he lunged at Josh and they kissed hungrily. There was no romance there. Just two guys in the heat of the moment, looking for a good time. Soon, they had stripped most of their clothes and Josh was left in just his boxers.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Bottom it is,” the stranger grinned.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Just hurry the fuck up,” Josh panted, jutting his hips to get any sort of friction on his throbbing crotch.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Impatient, are we?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh then found his hands pinned on top of his head in a similar manner to what he had done to Ken in his dream. <em>Yes</em>, he thought, closing his eyes as he let his bedmate trail sloppy and wet kisses over his neck. Josh keened as he felt that they were getting closer to <em>actually </em>fucking. He did not hold back his cries.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Finally</em>, after months of abstinence, Josh was going to get some. The anticipation was making him oversensitive.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Motherfucker</em>!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There was a loud and angry cry before Josh felt the warmth get swiped from above him. He opened his eyes, surprised that his partner was no longer there. Instead, he was looking up at the ceiling of his room. To his right, there was grunting and sounds of a struggle.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>What the fuck</em>?!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh hurriedly sat up, a little disoriented. He looked to the side and saw that his visitor was currently getting pummeled to the ground by another man. Josh’s two visitors were starting to exchange blows, but the man who was to be Josh’s temporary reprieve slipped out from the other’s hold.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He scrambled up to his feet, kicking the attacker to the floor. Then, picking up his clothes from the floor, he ran out of the room.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Get back here</em>, <em>you son of a bitch</em>!” the other yelled. “<em>I’m going to fucking murder you</em>!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh’s second visitor was quick to stand up. He only took a moment to breathe before he began his pursuit again. At that moment, Josh’s eyes adjusted to the light. Recognition dawned on him just as the man, angry and murderous, bolted after his target.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>K-Ken</em>?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But Ken did not seem to hear or see Josh. He just ran like a madman out of the room.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Fear and dread doused Josh like a bucket of ice water. His arousal left him in an instant, replaced by a coldness that started from his insides.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken just saw them—<em>did he see</em>?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh’s brain shut down.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Holy fuck.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>uhm... that was awkward. too fast?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. 2AM track seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>ken misunderstands something. he misunderstands a lot of things.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>chapter contains: cursing; may have triggers for rape/non-con; mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>behind closed doors</h1><p> </p><p>Ken paused the anime he was watching. Something made him feel anxious all of a sudden. He could not focus on whatever the characters on screen were saying because his mind was stuck somewhere. When he tried to trace where it was, he found it fixating on his friend.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not feeling too well,” Josh told him with a cracking voice.</p><p> </p><p>Ken had never seen Josh sick. Tired and going on for days without sleep, sure. But sick? Josh was healthy as a horse. The thought that he had gotten something made Ken feel a bit worried for his friend. After all, he was the one who challenged Josh to a dance off. That might even have caused him to feel a little under the weather.</p><p> </p><p><em>He looked a little red, too, </em>Ken mused as he stared at the ceiling.</p><p> </p><p>With no second thoughts whatsoever, Ken changed out of his home clothes and into a plain shirt, jeans, and a denim jacket. Then, he grabbed his keys and wallet before heading out. He knew a place that sold a killer Chinese congee. Josh would probably need that right now, and Ken didn’t really mind travelling an hour just to get it for him.</p><p> </p><p>Ken smiled as he put on his shoes. Just thinking about Josh’s surprised expression once he arrives made him feel smug. He excitedly went out of his unit then down to the building’s basement to get his car.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Ken knew something was horribly wrong the moment he arrived at Josh’s small apartment. The half-open main door was a dead giveaway.</p><p> </p><p>Josh was messy as far as guys go. He would often forgo the regular clean-up if he was feeling lazy, Ken knew. But Josh was also careful, and he was certainly not the type to miss closing and locking the door. Two things were likely, in Ken’s assessment. It was either Josh was too sick to notice… or there was an intruder in his home.</p><p> </p><p>Ken became hypervigilant. Gingerly, he entered the apartment, trying hard not to make a sound. He laid the bag containing the Chinese congee he bought on the floor. He was still breathing steadily, but he was already preparing for whatever worst-case scenario might smack him in the face.</p><p> </p><p>Looking around, there were no signs of a struggle that Ken could see. But there was a shoe he didn’t recognize in the hallway and Josh’s gym bag was haphazardly thrown to the floor. Ken started to get nervous. What was going on?</p><p> </p><p>“<em>A</em>…<em> Argh</em>…<em> P-Please</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>“Ssssh… I got you.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken’s ears perked up. That was Josh’s voice, followed by another’s which Ken did not recognize. There was a hush in their voices that made his stomach drop with a sick feeling. He walked forward, following the whispers to the lone room of the apartment. The door was cracked open in much the same way as the main door, so it was not hard for Ken to see—</p><p> </p><p>A half-naked man on all fours holding Josh’s arms above his head. Josh lying underneath him with his face scrunched up in agony. He was stripped to his undergarments. Ken could see Josh thrashing to free himself from the man’s grip. He cried out.</p><p> </p><p>Ken heard something snap inside his head. His blood boiled and hatred filled his veins.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Motherfucker</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>Anger, unlike anything he had felt before, pumped all over Ken’s body. Suddenly, all he could see was red.</p><p> </p><p>Ken ran and tackled Josh’s attacker. They fell to the floor with a loud thud. Before the sleazebag realized what was happening, Ken was already throwing punches in his face, one blow after another. Ken felt the man’s nose break under his knuckles.</p><p> </p><p>But the motherfucker was slick. Although Ken had pinned him to the floor with his knees, the man was still able to twist and crawl out from underneath him. He crouched down, and Ken noticed that the fly of his pants were already open. Ken suddenly wanted to kick him in the balls.</p><p> </p><p>Ken was about to stand up, but he got kicked on the chest. He fell, his back hitting the edge of the bed. He felt a sharp pain but paid it no mind. He just needed to get his hands on the motherfucking rapist and rip him in half with his bare hands.</p><p> </p><p>Sleazebag was already running out the door with his tail between his legs before Ken could collect himself.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Get back here, you son of a bitch</em>!” Ken spit out. “<em>I’m going to fucking murder you</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>Ken took a deep breath, managing to take one huge gulp despite his throat closing up. He sprinted out the door, eyes locked on his target.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Motherfucker</em>, <em>I’m going to beat you to a pulp</em>!” he said as soon as he got out.</p><p> </p><p>But the apartment was empty, the main door hung ajar on its hinges, and the midnight was dead silent.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Ken</em>!” someone yelled.</p><p> </p><p>Ken turned, heartbeat still racing and breath still uneven. Josh was leaning on the couch, disheveled and wearing nothing but his boxers. He looked pale even in the dark, and there was a slight tremble that Ken didn’t fail to notice.</p><p> </p><p>He closed the gap between them in two strides.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Did he hurt you</em>?” Ken asked, gripping Josh’s shoulders and turning him from side to side. He didn’t seem injured, but he was cold though he was sweating. “<em>Did he touch you</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>“N-No—”</p><p> </p><p>“Tell me what he did to you.”</p><p> </p><p>“He was—I—”</p><p> </p><p>Josh looked rattled. The look on his face served to anger Ken more. Just thinking about what happened—what <em>could</em> have happened—made Ken want to run amok. But no. That would come later.</p><p> </p><p>“We’re going to the police.”</p><p> </p><p>“The poli—w-wait, <em>what</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m going to file a fucking complaint,” Ken said angrily. His hand curled around Josh’s wrist, then he started to drag him out of the door. “I’m going to find that son of a bitch and make him suffer. I’ll make sure he lands in jail. I’m going to—”</p><p> </p><p>“Ken, you’re a public figure. You can’t—”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Fuck that</em>! I don’t care about that!”</p><p> </p><p>“Ken, <em>for fuck’s sake</em>! <em>Stop</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>Josh broke free from his grip and ran ahead of him. He closed the door and put his back to it, facing Ken. Then, as if he had lost the strength in his knees, Josh fell to the floor.</p><p> </p><p>He was a mess. His breaths were jagged and shaky. His expression was so distorted that Ken couldn’t tell if he was mad or gone insane. There was so much fear in his usually bright eyes that Ken felt his chest hurt.</p><p> </p><p>Josh was scared. The moment Ken registered it, his priority shifted. All he wanted to do was take that fear away. He knelt in front of Josh, laying a hand at the curve of his neck.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>I’ll protect you</em>,” he said. Ken was surprised with the gentleness in his own voice. “I won’t let him get you.”</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t get it!” Josh wheezed.</p><p> </p><p>“Boss, you’re in shock—”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I am <em>plenty </em>shocked.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know… Let me help you, <em>please</em>… Let me keep you safe.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ken, you idiot! That guy didn’t break in!” Josh cried with his head in one hand. His voice boomed around the small area of the apartment. There was so much force in the way he said it that it made Ken’s myriad thoughts stutter.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken heard Josh swallow. Then, as if realizing he was barely clothed, Josh crossed his arms across his bare chest. Despite the handsomeness of his figure, he hunched over, hiding as much of himself from Ken.</p><p> </p><p>He looked away and, with so much hesitation, said, “He was… my partner.”</p><p> </p><p>“Your <em>what</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not hard to guess what we were doing, you dumbass,” Josh said through gritted teeth. Even in the dark, Ken could see the blush on his cheeks as he looked down at the floor with shame in his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>It took some time for Ken to process what he had just heard.</p><p> </p><p>That guy was…</p><p> </p><p>“Your… <em>partner</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh nodded.</p><p> </p><p>“Wait. So, you’re saying…” Josh tensed. “You’re…?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m… <em>gay</em>, Ken,” he confessed begrudgingly.</p><p> </p><p>Every thought in Ken’s head seemed to have been flushed into a toilet. Josh is…? He was… Wait, so that meant that guy was…? And they were just about to…? Ken had walked in on…?</p><p> </p><p>Ken felt confused, overwhelmed, humiliated, and just a little bit relieved all at once.</p><p> </p><p>Ken didn’t know for how long he had knelt there while Josh stared at anywhere but him. The atmosphere turned from tense to awkward in that short amount of time. Ken didn’t know what to do with the revelation, and he was not in his right mind to process it just yet.</p><p> </p><p>But Josh was shaking in front of him. Josh looked guilty and ashamed. Josh was cold under his fingertips.</p><p> </p><p>“You should leave.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh was pushing him away.</p><p> </p><p>Ken didn’t know what to do about that, either.</p><p> </p><p>“Why—?”</p><p> </p><p>“You need… to <em>leave</em>,” Josh repeated with a slight tremble in his voice. “Just please… just leave.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken didn’t want to leave. He wanted to wrap his arms around Josh’s cold body to give him some warmth. He wanted to hold him tight. He wanted to assure him that he didn’t view him differently despite what he learned. He wanted Josh to know that nothing changed.</p><p> </p><p>But, as always, there was a small space in Josh’s heart that Ken was not allowed in. Maybe this was it. Maybe all the skeletons in Josh’s closet were hidden behind this door, this secret. He had kept it under lock and key, not wanting Ken to know. And now that Ken knew, the closet opened like a gaping wound, the force of its opening so strong that it flung Ken even further away from the man who was but inches away from him.</p><p> </p><p>Ken took a deep breath. He was a little bit unnerved that Josh was keeping him at an arm’s length. It scared him; just the thought that Josh would move away made him want to hold on to the man even tighter. But Ken didn’t want to push too much.</p><p> </p><p>He took off his denim jacket and draped it around the trembling silverhead’s shoulders. Josh flinched when their skins brushed, as if Ken’s touch was unwelcome to him.</p><p> </p><p>All the men, and Ken’s was the warmth Josh felt repulsed by. That felt like a stab to Ken’s chest.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay…” he began, resigned. “I won’t bother you for now.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken stood. Josh did, too, hugging Ken’s jacket around him.</p><p> </p><p>“Josh…” he began. But Josh didn’t meet his eyes and so Ken stopped talking.</p><p> </p><p>A deep and tired sigh escaped the silverhead’s lips. “Ken, I’m tired. Please…”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay… I’m leaving.” Josh stepped to the side. But before Ken could open the door, he said, “I bought congee. It’s… probably still warm. Might help with the cold. Uhm… good night.”</p><p> </p><p>They exchanged no more words as Ken stepped out of the apartment and into the coldness of the night outside. The door clicked shut behind him. And then it was eerily quiet.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>send help to the idiot</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. 2AM track eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>there is no cure for idiocy</p>
<p>chapter contains: might be a bit long; idiocy; a peek at the existential/quarterlifer crisis; fluffy floofy fluff; mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>a simple equation</h1>
<p> </p>
<p>The music from the sound system was loud, seeming to shake the dance floor and the walls of the building. The lights flashed blue, red, and purple everywhere, bathing the guests on the first floor in dim club light. From the upstairs private booths, people could be seen looking down at the square dance floor, peeking behind the curtains, or leaning on the railings.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A catchy upbeat dance song started, and everyone on the dance floor cheered. There was a momentary pause before the electro-pop beats filled the dancefloor with people squirming to the beat, moving with what Ken thought was poor excuse for dancing. At least the patrons seemed to be enjoying the song. That made Ken feel smug. The song was one of his, after all.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Stell’s co-owned club was still alive and merry even in the wee hours of the morning. Two AM and the building was still packed, a crowd waiting outside the guarded double doors for entry. Being one of the more high-end party clubs with VIP admissions, getting in was difficult. Of course, this wasn’t the case for Ken, who was best pals with the co-owner.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sitting alone on the bar, the idol tilted the empty lowball glass in his hands. He called out to the man who had his back to him, saying, “Hey, hit me up with another.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The bartender looked over his broad shoulders at Ken with a grimace. Stell turned around. Scratching the mole on his cheek, he took the glass from Ken’s hand and said, “Pal, I think you’ve had enough for tonight.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The ravenhead groaned, but it was barely perceptible from the music and the shouting around them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Gimme a break, Stell,” Ken whined, eyes drooping more than usual. “I paid for the goddamn bottle, now gimme it!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re almost <em>finished</em> with the bottle, you drunk,” Stell said, sighing. He said nothing more before he turned around. A few minutes later, he spun around and placed a tall glass of fruit juice in front of Ken. “Here, drink this instead.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken looked at the tangerine drink in front of him as if it were the most insulting thing he’d seen.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Drink it or I’ll get the bouncer to throw you out, Ken,” Stell warned. “Seriously, shouldn’t you be more careful? You’re a celebrity, for Pete’s sake!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Celebrity <em>schmelebrity</em>,” Ken pouted, sipping from the steel straw. The sweet citrusy flavor tasted off with the bitter aftertaste of liquor in his mouth. He winced. “More than half of the people here are, so I’m pretty much normal. And I didn’t come here for the sermon so spare me!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh-huh. So, what do you want from me?” Stell finished wiping the empty counter—everybody avoided the bar when they saw the singer’s almost-wasted form there—before he pushed a stool right in front of Ken.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“A listening ear, I guess?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ve been listening to you for the past two hours…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So? What do you think?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“About what?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“About Josh!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Stell sighed. When he did, he looked five years older, the multi-colored lights making the bags under his eyes look deeper than they are. Stell was another one of Ken’s friends who had stayed with him throughout the years. Ken had met the older man at Se-Eon, and they clicked instantly. Whether it was dancing or fun activities, Stell and Ken were like two peas in a pod. They agreed on many things. Ken sometimes thought that, besides Josh, Stell was the other person who knew Ken inside-out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That was why Ken never hesitated to go to Stell whenever he needed to drink his worries away. Josh was a lightweight, and there were some things that Ken could say better with a little bit of alcohol.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Stell rested his elbow on the counter, then put his hand on his palm. “I think you should just go and talk to him. I don’t see the problem.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“The <em>problem</em>—” Ken began, “—is that he is purposely avoiding me. He’s not replying, and I can’t catch him at his apartment for the past week.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, maybe it’s because what you found was a sensitive topic…” Stell replied rhetorically.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken gave him a dirty look. “I don’t get how <em>you</em> knew that he was gay all this time and <em>I </em>didn’t.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, it wasn’t hard to guess,” Stell replied. There was a teasing behind his smile that Ken’s drunken mind couldn’t quite pin down. “<em>And</em> you’re just dumb.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Wow, thanks for that.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re welcome.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t get what was so bad about his best friend knowing he’s into men.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Don’t be selfish, Ken,” warned Stell. “He’s his own person. He doesn’t have the obligation to tell you everything. And he has all the rights to be upset that he was forced to came out to you like that. He’s <em>allowed </em>to feel bad. The question is, why are <em>you </em>so bothered?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken sipped the contents of his glass tumbler and pretended it was alcohol. “Because he’s trying to run away from it. <em>Coward</em>.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Stell hit him on the head. “Now, that’s just insensitive.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But it’s true! He couldn’t even look at me straight.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The bartender heaved a long and deep sigh. When Stell looked at Ken, there was endearment in his eyes… and knowing. Stell <em>knew </em>something that he wasn’t saying out loud, but it didn’t seem as if he planned on bringing it out in the open.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay, so let me ask you a question. What was your reaction when it sunk in that Josh liked men?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken, despite his half-drunken state, leaned back and gave Stell a dirty look. “It didn’t mean anything,” he replied. “He was <em>still </em>Josh. Nothing changes just because he’s gay.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That’s bullshit, and you know it,” Stell told him, both hands cupping his own cheeks. “Something <em>always </em>changes when you add something to the equation. It’s all matter of the nature—” he held up a finger, “—and the significance of the change.” Stell was holding up two fingers now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Nature and significance? What the heck? Didn’t know I signed up for physics classes.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Come on, think about it. Did <em>nothing </em>change at all? Something was added: information,” he explained. “That’s bound to have changed something—good or bad. That’s nature. Now, if the change was tiny, you won’t notice it. But if it’s <em>huge </em>like your dumbass ego, then that would be a significant change, wouldn’t it?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken humored the older man for a bit. “Pfft. Okay. Let’s say something changed. I might… Now, I guess, I <em>worry</em>? I worry about him.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You worry how?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“For example, that douchebag he invited over,” Ken said, leaning over to Stell. There was still a little bit of venom despite the event happening many days ago. “That guy looked like a dick dressed in nice clothes. Ugly motherfucker. I could sense his cheating ass when I was smashing his face in.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Imagine</em>!” Ken said, waving his hands in the air. “Tiny, midget boss Josh! Letting the shady kind of guys into his house and doing—”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The image of Josh, hunched over and wearing nothing but Ken’s denim jacket, flashed before his eyes, making him stop. Ken suddenly felt hot all over. Wow, he <em>really </em>must have drunk one too many. He belatedly apologized for thinking about Josh that way.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“—<em>stuff</em>,” he finished, followed by a thick gulp.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And what if he’s doing stuff with <em>nice</em> guys?” Stell probed. “Like… your producer friend <em>Sejun</em>, maybe?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken’s eyes widened. Sejun <em>is </em>a nice guy. He’s smart, mature, good-looking. He’s got talent but doesn’t toot his own horn. Ken always thought Sejun would be a very gentle lover. Barring the fact that he already had a long-time girlfriend, Sejun was a likely candidate for Josh whom Ken could consider <em>nice</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But Sejun and Josh doing stuff…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken’s mind rolled in the gutter—and then he shivered. To cleanse his thoughts, he tried to imagine less disgusting things… nicer things… like a woman’s long hair, or a woman’s smile in shiny pink lipstick, or Josh naked and only wearing his denim jack—</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He stopped the imagery, feeling his face heat up again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Shit</em>,<em> Josh</em>.<em> Sorry</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Not… Sejun. They… He… <em>can’t</em>,” Ken said in one long, broken sentence.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Stell gave Ken a searching look. His beady black eyes dug deep into Ken’s pools of brown. Stell’s gaze was piercing, like he was reading thoughts in Ken’s head that even he himself was not aware of. Indeed, Stell knew Ken well… sometimes even better than he knows himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You are such a lovable idiot,” Stell said, ruffling Ken’s wavy locks. His head ducked down. “Talk to me about this again when you have the answer.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken did not quite get that… <em>yet</em>. But his heart started beating faster. ‘Yeah, sure, Stell. We will, Stell,’ Ken could hear it say. Good grief, he was probably getting affected by the alcohol if he talked to himself in his mind with a fake female voice.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What in the world did his heart and Stell know that Ken’s own beautiful brain did not?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken stood from the bar stool. Checking his wristwatch, he nodded and waved at Stell. “You know what? I should drive off now.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, what—you’re <em>driving</em>?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken puffed his chest and hit it with his fist twice. “I can still drive a few minutes. I’ll be fine.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well… if you’re sure.” Stell sighed. “If you catch Josh tonight—”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“The heck does <em>everyone </em>assume I’m going to Josh’s?!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why, aren’t you?!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken grit his teeth. “Well… Yeah, I was going to try.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Then… handle your conversation delicately, okay?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken just threw his hands in the air, defeated. As he walked in a straight line to the exit, he heard Stell laugh behind him, ringing despite the loud beat of the music.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Wow</em>, Josh thought. <em>Just</em>… <em>wow</em>. His mind was still on a high from nerding out at the Robotics Expo.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The day he had been looking forward to—the <em>one </em>day he would not think about what had happened ‘that night’—finally came. He had been waiting for it for weeks! Josh had been so excited to go that he came too early for the opening program. Justin, who was abnormally early most of the time, even arrived after him. He got teased to no end for looking absolutely shaken at the thought of being exposed to robots again after a long time. Justin didn’t even mention ‘that night’ to Josh the entire day, even though he had nagged him for hours when he first found out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The expo was held at one of the larger event halls of the university. Two floors of tables and circular chairs were cleared to make way for stalls, long tables, and pedestals which held various types of machines and robots. The exhibits were divided into sub-topic showcases: agriculture, health and medicine, personal applications, transportation, security and surveillance, and a sundry of other works.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh marveled at how behind the times he was. Innovation and current research Josh could only dream of participating in were already being done right before his eyes… in his own country! In those moments, he felt like he was thirteen again, walking around the first Mechatronics Lab he had been into. Except this time, it had more robots, bigger machines, and more enthusiastic people.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And this time, his friends—classmates, peers—were no longer beside him staring with wide-eyed wonder at the exhibits … they were controlling or making them. Even Justin, an organizer, made his way to the programming section of the exhibits to man the project he had been working on with his team. Josh… Josh felt just a <em>little </em>bit more behind the times.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Seriously</em>,<em> what am I doing with my life</em>, he asked as he stared at the ceiling. Where was he going and what did he really want to do? He felt like such a loser compared to the friends he’d met again at the expo. While they were all accomplished professionals in their chosen field, here Josh was, lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, and counting the cracks on the concrete.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh raised his hand as he lay on his back. He held up a revised version of the MS Engineering Program Prospectus and the corresponding list of requirements just above his face. His professor from the Laboratory shoved the sheets into his hands at the expo, saying, “I expect your application once admissions open.” The man could never take ‘no’ for an answer, and he was already talking about a ‘Welcome Back, Josh Party’ before Josh realized what was happening.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh could have thrown the papers away. He could have given it back or left it somewhere else. But for some reason, he kept reading and re-reading the words on them. He found himself thinking about how to complete the requirements, found himself excited to apply.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Should he? Maybe he should.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There was something holding him back. Something…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>An incessant knocking on the main door caught Josh’s attention. He sat up, startled. It was nearing three in the morning, he was not expecting any visitors, and he was sure his neighbors are all asleep. Not that his neighbors would knock at this godforsaken hour.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There was only one person in Josh’s friends list that would do him that disservice.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey! I saw your light’s on! Don’t pretend you’re not in there!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Oh</em>,<em> what the actual hell</em>?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh hurried to the door, barefoot and in just his sleepwear. He didn’t open it but knocked from his side. The rapping stopped. Now he was sure that his late-night visitor was Ken.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You have a key, doofus,” Josh called from behind the door.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I know,” Ken replied. “But… I won’t open this door unless you let me in yourself.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Wow, you are something…” But Josh kept the door closed. He wasn’t sure if he could face Ken yet. “What do you want?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There was a long pause from Ken. “Anything but <em>this</em>.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh could feel a headache coming on. He grimaced. “And what exactly is ‘this’?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You, avoiding me. Me, not knowing why you are. This <em>fuckery</em>, whatever this is.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m not avoiding you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sure, you’re not,” Ken said sarcastically. “You’re just hiding from me. What’s the difference, really?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh kept quiet. Ken did, too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If it were up to Josh, he would have just wanted to let it go. He preferred not talking about that awkward night and potentially making things worse. His coming out to Ken, no matter how he justified it, did not make it less embarrassing. The shame Josh felt from being found in that situation could not be described. And it was not just the circumstances that made it dreadful. Of all the people that could have found him, it had to be the same guy who triggered him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh could not guess how Ken would react to him being gay. He could predict Ken in any other situation except this one. This was unchartered territory. Ken could tell him the ‘Nothing changes’ crap, but Josh knew better. The damage has been done. And Josh found himself running around in circles just trying to find a way to lessen the impact.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He just wanted the status quo. Ken allowing him to be close as his friend. He’s completely fine with it. But the revelation was a huge leap forward. And where they used to be… was not some place they could both come back to with just a reverse gear.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh did not know what the heck Ken ate or drank, because out of the blue be blurted out, “Did… Did you eat the congee?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> “What?” The randomness of the question shook Josh from his thoughts.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m asking if you ate the congee I bought.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh grimaced but answered anyway. “Uh… yeah… I did.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It was good, wasn’t it?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh chuckled unwittingly. What was this guy being so cute for? “Yeah… it was great.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Wanna guess how I found out about it?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Dre…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“If you open the door, I’ll tell you,” he said. “If you don’t… well… you should probably open the door… ‘Cause I’m drunk and tired, and I don’t think I can drive anymore in this state.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh threw his head back, hands on his hips, as he sighed. Why was he in love with this pushy and cunning young man again?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Maybe because he is pushy and cunning? Maybe because his voice was as deep as the bottomless sea and Josh could drown himself in the vibrations of his chest when he laughed? Maybe because his clinginess and childishness were exactly Josh’s weakness, and he couldn’t say no when Ken was trying so hard to pursue him?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Maybe… maybe Josh was just a little too in love with him. Maybe Josh could never say ‘no’ to him because he was too blinded by his radiance.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh folded the papers still in his hands and wedged it into the garter of his pajamas.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“If I open this door—”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And you <em>would</em>—” Ken interrupted confidently.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“If I open this door, you promise not to ask me questions about that night?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken was quiet for a moment. “<em>Just </em>that night?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And what happened before or after that.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Compromise. How about I’m allowed to ask you questions, but you can choose whether or not to answer them?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I could just keep you out there all night.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But you <em>won’t</em>, though.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh sighed. Ken is right. “Fine.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Yaaay</em>!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh smiled. He really could not have guessed Ken to react like this after what happened. He thought Ken would be more or less awkward about it; about him being gay, about them being best friends. Apparently, he was not. Josh did not know whether to be relieved or anxious about that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He took a deep breath, then he unlocked the door and turned the knob. Ken’s smile was wide and bright and fucking gorgeous as the night sky as soon as he saw him. There was no awkwardness in his visage at all.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uhm… <em>hi</em>,” he said. Josh just smiled tentatively at him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken made small movements, raising his hand then pulling it back. Taking a step forward then stopping himself. It was amusing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re going for a hug, aren’t you?” asked Josh.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh, yeah…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh chuckled, a little too tired for the slapstick comedy. He just opened both his arms—glad that he could <em>still </em>hug this man, after all—and said, “Well, don’t make it awkward.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken’s smile grew even wider. He stooped down a little to perch his chin on Josh’s shoulders, two long arms hooking around his neck. Josh just wrapped his own limbs around the idol’s back, patting.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was inappropriate to feel giddy at that moment, Josh knew. It was a friendly hug and nothing more. But he cast all his overthinking aside so he could enjoy the warmth all over his body, the scent of alcohol and expensive perfume, and the rapid beating of Ken’s heart against his.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For the moment, they were fine. Some things might have changed but not the bad kind, he guessed. Josh was okay with that for now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So, about the congee…” Ken started.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh chuckled, relieved. Then, he hugged Ken a little bit tighter.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thought the sad stuff was over? they're not</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. 2AM track nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>there really is no cure for idiocy</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>burn. this is where it gets fast.</p>
<p>chapter contains: idiocy, again; may be fast and confusing in terms of transitions; mild angst; mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>no cure for idiocy</h1>
<p> </p>
<p>“And how many men have you slept with so far?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Dude, what the hell? No one counts that!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay, fine. Next question. Do you top, or do you bottom?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That question is highly irrelevant.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Come on! You haven’t answered <em>any</em> of my questions!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, your questions are dumb.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken paused. “But do you top, or do you bottom, though?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh laughed. It was a laugh that Ken had missed, as it was like the way Josh used to laugh a few years back. His unbridled smile coupled with his dimpled cheeks made Ken smile, too, despite himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It doesn’t matter if I top or bottom, because you will never get to see it,” Josh said, holding the button and speaking over the mic.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Psssh, please. As if I would want to see it. <em>Yuck</em>!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh glared at him. Then, he sighed. “Whatever, loser. Let’s just get this over with so we’ll get something done before Sejun arrives.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The two of them were inside the company building’s smaller recording studios that night. They had taken the liberty of having fun, recording some songs for Ken’s upcoming concert while waiting for the actual producer, Sejun. Ken was in the live room, headphones on and in front of the microphone. Josh stood behind the glass in the control room, pushing buttons and moving the mixer up keys and down. Even though he was not exactly a producer, Josh had learned the basics of mixing songs from Sejun, and Ken was proud to say that his friend was doing quite well.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It had already been a week since he and Josh made up. Ken liked to think it was due to some witty thinking on his part and the fact that, yes, the congee was indeed delicious. Since then, he got even closer to Josh. He didn’t think it were possible before; and yet, there they were, talking comfortably about matters they would not otherwise have if not for the entire debacle.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Had Ken known this was what would happen, he would have tried to walk in on Josh <em>almost</em> having sex with a stranger. Josh opened up significantly after the incident. What used to be a locked door in the recesses of his heart was now a secret place Josh let Ken peek into. He talked more, he was less closed off, and Ken felt a little closer to Josh’s core than before.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Although, now that he knew about it, there was a strange protectiveness that started to grow at the pit of Ken’s stomach.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What are you staring dazedly into the air for, dude?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh’s voice cut through Ken’s slowly souring mood.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ah, sorry,” he said. The music had already started, and Ken was just looking dumbly at the microphone’s filter. “Can we go again?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Alright. One more time—hey, Sej!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh stood with a wide smile on his face. He opened his arms and, soon, Sejun was right in them as they hugged. Without the button that allows Ken to hear from the other side of the glass, he couldn’t hear what they were talking about. But Josh was laughing as Sejun playfully shook him by the shoulders. Josh leaned forward as he laughed at out loud, giving Sejun a playful smile.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>And what if he’s doing stuff with nice guys</em>? Stell had asked before. <em>Like, your producer friend Sejun, maybe</em>?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Stell’s words echoed in Ken’s mind just as he watched Sejun and Josh get settled in front of the mixers.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken hadn’t really thought much about what had happened before. If he were being perfectly honest, the whole fiasco didn’t really affect him significantly, maybe. So Ken had not really bothered to ask why Josh was looking for someone, or what happened after. But there <em>would </em>have been causes and consequences, right?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then, it sunk in.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken was a man, too. He knew what it was like to have needs. In the past, though, he had no trouble sating himself because women threw themselves at his feet constantly. But even though he had lost his drive to go cruising at present, he could imagine what it was like to have his needs interrupted… which was sort of what he did to his best friend.</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p><em>Oh, </em>he realized. Did he just cockblock the boss?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken felt like an idiot. So <em>that</em> was what Stell’s knowing look was about. And, as Ken looked at Josh and Sejun beyond the thick glass, he could see that maybe—just maybe—Josh had been frustrated for far too long.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken took a good, long look at Josh. There was an allure to his movements. A simple flick of the wrist, a flutter of the eyelids, the slightest curve to his lips, the way he craned his neck. Sweet mother, Josh was oozing sex appeal. He may or may not be conscious to that fact, but he was being seductive just standing there… in front of Sejun… a man who had a girlfriend.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Holy shit</em>, came Ken’s immediate thought. Sejun was leaning in closer to Josh, touching his hair as if trying to feel if it were soft. Josh giggled sheepishly at the man’s actions. He tucked his hair behind his ear, giving Sejun what Ken thought was a damn good come-hither look.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken was screaming in his head in horror. <em>Not Sejun</em>!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What’s up, Ken? You like you just remembered you left your stove on.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sejun and Josh were staring at Ken through the glass, as if they found him amusing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“S-Sorry. Lost my bearings…” Josh laughed at him, shaking his head. “Where were we?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh, we haven’t started yet, pal,” Sejun explained. “But we’re ready whenever you are.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken shook himself. Right. He had a job to do. He loved Josh and would do anything for his wellbeing, but Ken’s job was a priority. Everything he was thinking about would have to wait until recording was over later that evening. He just needed to get the job done, and then he could proceed with what he was already planning.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He gave Josh an apologetic look which the other raised an eyebrow at. Josh looked at him suspiciously like he knew exactly what Ken was thinking about. Then, he narrowed his eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Hang in there</em>, <em>boss</em>, Ken thought. He’d make it up to Josh before the night ends.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Even if the small protective part of him that rebelled against the very thought.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>In all the years he and Ken have been friends, Josh thought he could well predict how the idol thought. But Ken taking him to Stell’s club near midnight was something he could never have guessed in his lifetime.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh wondered what in the world Ken was planning earlier that night. The puppy-dog look in his eyes hinted at it. Ken was scheming either something weird or something idiotic. Josh confirmed it when Ken hung an arm over his shoulder after recording, saying, “Don’t worry, boss. I got you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘I got you’ apparently meant, ‘I’m going to take you man hunting.’</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yes, Josh thought he could predict Ken. But every time he arrogantly thought about this, the universe proves him wrong.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh looked down from where he sat in the upstairs private booth Ken had gotten for them. He swirled the alcoholic drink he had in his hands.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Man hunting, huh</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Not to brag, but Josh never really had to do the ‘hunting’ part. He was more classy than that. Usually, he would just sit somewhere he could be seen and let whoever approach. If it’s someone nice, he’d give it a go. If not, he’d smoothly reject them without hurting their ego. If he were to name it, rather than hunting, Josh thought his strategy was more of ‘luring’.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It helps that Josh wasn’t oblivious. He could somehow always tell whenever an interested party sent him signals. For example, there was a businessman-like person in a suit and tie who kept staring at him from the bar. Near the far corner on the first floor, there was a jockey-dude who held Josh’s gaze twice already. On any given night, they would seem like great company.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh’s eyes were fixed on the idol who was dancing the night away on the dancefloor below, moving with snappy precision. He was dancing so expertly that every head turned to him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Under the flashing lights of the club, Ken was mesmerizing. He may have only been wearing his plain shirt and jeans, but every move made Josh yearn for him even more. Every step, every snap summoned electricity that coursed through Josh’s veins. Because of him, Josh could not be bothered to give two cents about whoever was lured into his trap. Nobody, not even businessman and jockey-dude, could possibly tear Josh’s attention from Ken at that moment.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken looked up right at Josh as he kept staring. The idol smirked at him, doing a quick turn and a chest pop but not once breaking eye contact. As Ken hopped, he let his head fall back, arching his neck. Josh might have bitten his lip, but he could no longer tell.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh sighed. No offense to Ken, but his plan sucks. At the rate Josh was going, the only way someone was going to take him home was if it was Ken. Josh just took another swig of his drink, letting the bittersweet liquid burn his pointless pining.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Waiter,” Josh asked the handsome young man who approached him where he sat. The waiter set down one more drink in front of Josh, similar to what he had in his hands. “Did Stell send these?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The waiter nodded and smiled. <em>That’s a cute smile</em>, thought Josh. And then, he thought that maybe the alcohol was starting to affect to him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yes, sir. He did.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What do you call these things?” He raised the cocktail glass in his hand. It held a yellow liquid with a thin slice of orange in it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“A clementine martini, sir.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh nodded. Then he winked at the waiter and said, “Tell him to keep ‘em coming.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No problem, sir.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Sorry, Ken</em>, Josh thought as he downed the martini in one shot. He winced. <em>Not gonna get some tonight.</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>The music continued playing in the background. Ken kept dancing on the dancefloor. And Josh… Josh just drank one shot after another.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p><em>I knew it</em>! Ken cried in his head as he helped Josh get up to his apartment. <em>I knew I shouldn’t have left him unsupervised</em>!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken had so much fun dancing that he had forgotten the real reason why he took Josh to the bar in the first place. The moment Ken stepped inside the borders of the dancefloor, it was like he was lit up in flames. He just danced and danced… neglecting the friend he had left at the booth on the second floor.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It took Ken an hour of dancing to remember him. When he arrived back at the booth, Josh was lying on his side on the cushions, unconscious, with four empty glasses of cocktail on the circular table. Josh was so knocked out Ken had to manhandle him out of Stell’s club, into Ken’s car, and up his apartment.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Take me home,” Josh kept whispering in Ken’s ear.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah. We’re home, boss,” Ken said, making Josh stand upright. He struggled to open the door to Josh’s apartment while the owner drunkenly whispered nonsense leaning into Ken’s arms.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Take me home, Ken</em>…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We <em>are </em>home!” he said, yelping in joy when the door swung open.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I want <em>you</em>…” he said, “… take me home.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Oh, geez</em>… With much difficulty, the two of them lumbered to Josh’s bedroom where Ken lay him down on the mattress.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh was really out of it. He was mumbling some strange gibberish and twitching strangely. It was so amusing no matter how many times Ken saw it that he could not help but laugh.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken started to take off Josh’s shoes and strip his jacket off. In the morning, Ken would have to remind his buddy to drink some Advil for his hangover. He should also probably make a thin soup for Josh to heat the next day.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh half-opened his eyes and stared at Ken.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What’s up, drunk?” Ken teased him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh smiled at him. It was like the seductive smile that Josh had given to Sejun, Ken noted, but maybe ten times more potent.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“‘Ey…” Josh whispered, sitting up slightly so Ken could take off his jacket easier. “You taking m’clothes off f’r me?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What?” Ken paused.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh reached up and traced his fingers over Ken’s cheek. Ken flinched slightly. <em>What the hell</em>?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Twenty times more potent, since the way his eyes bored holes into Ken’s own was honestly hypnotizing. Ken didn’t even notice himself staring at the man’s lovely eyes. Josh had always had the most exquisite eyes, but Ken never really thought much about it until then.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Whose heartbeat is that and why is it so loud</em>?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Without preamble, Josh launched himself into Ken. He was getting too close, his plump lips already ghosting over Ken’s as he leaned in.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Dude</em>!” Ken cried, almost laughing. He stopped Josh’s advances as he held the man’s face in his hands. “You’re not seeing straight. It’s me, boss!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>This made Josh pause. As they stared at each other again, Josh’s face fell into a disappointed smile.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s Ken…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I can see you,” Josh whispered in a sad tone that was so clear it was heartbreaking. “But you… don’t see me… d’you?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What…?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh just chuckled. Then he leaned in closer and kissed the corner of Ken’s lips.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Surprised, Ken lost his hold on the man’s face. He couldn’t move as his best friend’s lips—<em>Josh’s</em> lips—stayed on his skin, the contact bordering between too much… and not enough.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken remained frozen where he sat until it ended. Without saying another word, Josh pulled back and wordlessly fluffed his pillow before lying on his bed. He was snoring in no time while Ken just stared into space, flabbergasted, but not entirely processing everything that just happened.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh! sorry if it was too sudden!!!!!!! i'm on a sad-confusing feels train…</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. 2AM track ten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ken only has Josh.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this chapter intimidated me more than it should; because it determines how the rest of the arc (and the story) will go &gt;&lt;</p>
<p>chapter contains: ken backstory; justin; mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>he who does not believe</h1>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <strong>1:36AM<br/>To: Boss Josh</strong>
  </p>
  <p>Drink some painkillers if<br/>you have a hangover.<br/>Once you feel better,<br/>I’ll come over.<br/>We need to talk?<br/>Don’t be stubborn.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <strong>4:17AM<br/>From: Boss Josh</strong>
  </p>
  <p>I’m fine. No need to come.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken just stared at his ceiling. He didn’t know for how long he gaped at it like a goldfish, but he assumed it must have been for quite a long time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He put a hand to his face, ghosting his thumb delicately over the patch of skin that Josh bumped into.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Stupid</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh didn’t bump into it… Josh kissed it. Josh kissed him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Josh kissed me</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh had kissed him in a way that was so gentle, so careful, that he could still feel the buzz at the corner of his mouth. If he thought about it hard enough, Ken could still smell the citrusy scent of alcohol in Josh’s breath. He wondered at the back of his mind if those lips would feel just as soft and smell just as citrusy full over his own.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The more he thought about it, the more uneasy he became. What did it mean?</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Stupid, stupid</em>. <em>What a stupid question</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Two things could explain Josh’s behavior, one more likely than the other. The first was that Josh was so goddamn drunk that he just kissed Ken mistaking him for someone else. He probably thought he was another one-night stand.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>But you… don’t see me… d’you</em>?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The second and more likely possibility—</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken sat up, trying to quiet his own mind. He shook his head for good measure. <em>No</em>. There <em>has</em> to be a more likely explanation than the second; even if it was the most likely Ken could come up with in his dazed state. There must be something because if Josh saw him that way, then…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He would lose him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken had seen tons of relationships and romance. And he could count with his ten fingers those which didn’t end up in heartache, heartbreak, or serious physical injury.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken knew people described this line of thinking as being bitter, but he did not think so. It was being realistic. Because in reality, no matter how well TV shows and books sugarcoated it, ‘love’ was as rare a chance as winning the lottery.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Growing up, Ken himself had never really seen a lot of romantic images. His parents were not exactly good role models for it. His mother and father fought constantly, be it with words or non-breakable objects. They argued so often that Ken used to wonder why they got married and had him in the first place. Their relationship had been tense for as long as he could remember. Eventually, they decided to file complaints against each other, and Ken was caught in the crossfire of a messy annulment. When they both came to amicable terms, he was left to jump between his parents’ houses weekly since he was eleven.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Granted, they did their best to raise him. But Ken never really felt the love in just one-half of a home. Moving around so much didn’t give him enough time to establish roots, either.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So, no. Ken was not a strong believer in romance, regardless of what his songs suggest. He was always wary about relationships. After all, 99% of romantic relationships were often doomed to fail.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Close, intimate friendships, though. Those were different.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh, specifically, was different. When they met, Josh was like the warmth Ken never had at his own home. He was open, accepting, and was weird enough to understand Ken’s own oddities.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was the first significant attachment Ken had made. The first person who taught him how to be a good friend, to be a good person. Josh had seen Ken’s best, his worst, his up, his down, and his topsy-turvy. He was there no matter how ugly and messed-up Ken’s previous attempts at romance were. He was there when Ken ran away from his mother’s house to pursue his career. And while Josh disagreed strongly, he was supportive.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh was the constant Ken never knew he needed in his life. And no matter how many romantic flings come and go to anyone, Ken liked to think somewhat arrogantly that no one could ever have anyone like Josh was to him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That was why he cannot lose him. Whatever it takes to keep him, Ken decided, he would do.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken arrived at Josh’s apartment a few minutes before seven in the morning. He had an hour and a half before his call time, and then he would be occupied until dawn the next day. Which meant he only had that much time to talk to Josh.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Bringing a bag of medicine and the same tub of congee he had given him the last time, he walked up to Josh’s apartment with jitters in his belly. He didn’t know if Josh would want to see him, but he had to try; anything that needed to be done just to salvage their friendship.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken fixed his hair and his clothes as he stood in front of the door. Then, he slotted the key into the keyhole to unlock it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was about to turn the knob when it opened on its own. A tiny crack revealed a person standing behind the door. Ken found himself face-to-face with a familiar mop of brown hair, narrow eyes, a tall nose, and thin lips.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The brunette—was it Jay or John? Ken could not remember—greeted him with a deep scowl. “What do you want?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken was immediately offended.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m not here for you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The annoying prick began to close the door in Ken’s face. Ken was faster, though, and he stuck the toe of his boot on the small crack to keep it from shutting.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Where is he?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“None of your business.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Lay off. He must be hung over and he needs medicine.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“If that’s what you’re worried about, then there’s no need. I’ve been watching him since last night and he’s doing fine.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was Ken’s turn to glare. “Well, I need to see it for myself.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He doesn’t want to see you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That hurt Ken. More than he dared to acknowledge.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re not in the position to speak for him.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And <em>you </em>are?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m his best friend.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The prick raised an eyebrow at him. “Some friend <em>you</em> have been.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What is your problem with me, dude?” Ken finally asked him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t like people who pretend to know more than they really do,” he responded bluntly. “Now, get lost.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken just glared at him. The guy had no right to spout crap like that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t <em>pretend</em>. I <em>know</em>,” Ken said past gritted teeth.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Alright. Since you know a lot,” the guy scoffed. “What’s his greatest ambition in life?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>What a dumb question. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He wants to build robots.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Wrong,” he replied. “He wants to be a Mechatronics Engineer and make technology with applications in surveillance, security, and-dash-or health and medicine.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You just said the same thing I did, but with more flowery words!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No. I <em>didn’t</em>,” the other said slowly, as if speaking to a five-year-old. “<em>I</em> said it precisely. <em>You</em> said only what you cared to know and passed it off as intimate knowledge.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken braced his arm against the door. “Look, dude. I don’t time for this bull, alright? I just <em>really</em> need to talk to him.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The brunette sighed. “Fine… One more question. If I’m satisfied with your answer, I’ll leave and you can do what you want with Josh.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Fine.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why do you want to see him?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken was quiet at that. Flashes of what had happened the night before flooded his mind again. He went right back to his two possibilities.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s between us.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Is it about what happened last night?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken did not even bother to hide his shock. “How… do you know about that?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The man just gave a condescending look. “He tells me stuff.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken just looked away, biting at his lip.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I just… want to know what it means.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Brunette looked at him with an unamused look. “Wow. You are more oblivious than I thought,” he said. “Come on, man. You’re either a total moron or in denial. Which is which?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What do you know?” Ken almost growled.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The man shrugged and gave him a pointed look. “I know that he’s been holding himself back for years just for you. I know that he’s sacrificed his own career growth just to accommodate yours. I know that he would do just about anything if you asked him to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Now, tell me… what do you think that means?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken’s glare softened.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Not answering, huh?” For the first time since that morning, the man had a look of understanding in his face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Look, I get it,” said the brunette. “You’ve been friends for years, and you’ve grown so accustomed to what you have that knowing about Josh’s feelings for you can change a lot.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So, he’s—he likes me.” Saying it out loud was ten times worse and better at the same time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“‘<em>Like’</em> is an understatement,” he sighed as if he’s heard about it a million times.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken could not begin to think about the conversations Josh has had with the man about this intimate little secret without Ken knowing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So he was allowed behind Josh’s closets, too. And he has probably seen far more closets than Ken will ever know.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It made him envious.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He would have wanted to keep it from you, you know?” he said. “Josh… isn’t greedy about you. He’s fine just hanging around with you. You think <em>you’re</em> shocked about what happened last night. But can you imagine how it affects him?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Why does this man know so much? Ken wanted to ask.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But what came out of his mouth was a hard, “Are you… in love with him?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The brunette laughed out loud. Then, stopping himself, he looked behind him at Josh’s bedroom door, then back again at Ken.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I love him,” he replied quickly. It almost made Ken’s heart ache, but then he said, “But not in a romantic way as your face suggests you are thinking. He’s… <em>my</em> best friend.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken grimaced. Josh was a good person, every part of him. It made sense that a lot of people liked him. He had a lot of friends, like the annoying brunette who wouldn’t let Ken through the door. He also had people from Se-Eon and the Dance Studio whom Ken never met but Josh mentions in passing every now and then.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It hurt a little to be reminded that while Ken only had Josh, Josh had a lot of people he could turn to and talk about his secrets with.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Thinking about it made Ken feel even more distant from the silverhead.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In the silence that ensued, the man kept his gaze firmly locked on Ken’s eyes. It was as if he was looking for something with the way he stared.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I know you want to talk to him, but… Just for today, can you put his peace of mind over your own?” The man gave Ken a pleading look. “Josh will tell you everything in his own time. So, please… give him today.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The way he said it made Ken feel selfish for wanting to barge his way in.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He just sighed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What’s your name again?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Justin de Dios.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken nodded. Then, he held out the medicine and the food he brought with him. “Tell him I came by.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ll think about it,” Justin said as he took the bags from Ken’s grip.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Thanks…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hesitantly, Ken turned his back. The door click shut behind him as he did. Ken felt worse as he dragged his feet past the hallway, down the stairs, and to his car. Trying not to get to overwhelmed, he sped off and hoped that Josh would give him some answers.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In his own time, as Justin de Dios says. But how soon is that?</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <strong>3:31AM<br/>To: Boss Josh</strong>
  </p>
  <p>I just got off my schedules.<br/>Hope you’re feeling better.<br/>You good enough to talk?</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <strong>3:32AM<br/>From: Boss Josh</strong>
  </p>
  <p>Don’t come.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. 2AM track eleven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>josh asks the right questions.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>chapter contains: existential crisis; justin being the best friend i want to have; mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>suddenly awake</h1>
<p> </p>
<p>“Good thing I crossed him as I was about to leave,” Justin said the moment he entered Josh’s room. He placed a big paper bag and a small plastic pouch on the bedside table. “That guy has incredibly great timing.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That, he does,” Josh replied. He couldn’t help but chuckle.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh could never have been more thankful that Justin came to keep him company since the night before. If he were alone, Josh did not doubt he would let Ken waltz into his home without putting up much of a fight. He was soft for the idol like that. And after what happened the night before, he didn’t want to be soft for him just yet.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh had listened in on their conversation. Listening for… clues. Or listening for crumbs, more like. He wanted to hear what Ken thought about the whole thing. If it affected him at all and what he was thinking now that they were obviously past the point of no return in their ambiguous relationship.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As expected, Ken was just as ruffled as Josh was.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He’s in denial,” Justin said to him. “I would’ve liked him a little if he were a moron, but he’s completely shit-scared of facing his own feelings. <em>Dumbass</em>.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Or the <em>absence </em>of those feelings,” Josh added.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Dumbass</em>. <em>Coward</em>.<em> Idiot</em>,” Justin muttered under his breath. “You’d better not go seeing him anytime soon, Josh Cullen. Or I will shave your eyebrows.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’d like to keep my eyebrows, thanks.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Then, you best ignore him.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Justin held out a tub of warm porridge and an entire pad of painkillers to him. Without speaking, Justin just sat near the bed as he ate and took the medicine. Then, Josh forced himself back to sleep, ignoring the notifications coming from his phone.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Riiing! Riiing!</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh spared his phone a glance—disregarding the 31 unread messages from one Ken Suson—to see that a member of the idol’s marketing team was calling. He wedged his mobile between his ear and shoulder while he nimbly tinkered with the quarter-finished robot in his hands.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, Sahara!” Josh greeted, half of his mind focused on turning the screw in his hand, trying to secure the component with the rest of his robot’s body.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, Josh. Sorry to call when you should be resting,” Sahara greeted. “Sir Ken says you’re not feeling well.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh only chuckled. “Yeah, sort of. What’s up?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I was just going to ask if you’ve received the draft contract for your contribution in Sir Ken’s next album?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, uh…” Josh mumbled as he checked if the motor was screwed in tight, “I haven’t really checked my mails recently. I’ll check it now and text you a confirmation.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That’d be great. Can you also check if you’ve received the sponsors’ emails for Sir Ken’s upcoming concert?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, sure. I can do that…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sorry to have to make you do this,” she said in a shy voice. “It’s not even your job as lyricist.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, no worries. You guys have a lot on your plate for the concert already.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sahara fake-cried. “I miss you around here, Joshie! It’s been too long!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, let’s set up a date and you can tell me all about it. Your treat, of course,” he teased.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Call! I’ll gather up the gang and text you when we’ve decided on a day,” she said. “Have to hang up now. Text me if you see the emails, alright?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No problem. See you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh ended the call. Wiping his screen on his pants, he began swiping away at his phone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His finger hovered over the notification showing he now had 33 unread messages from Ken. He hesitated before he swiped right, ignoring it. He wasn’t sure he was ready to read those messages yet; not even five days since the stubborn idol went to his home and had a tense conversation with Justin.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In a sense, he was hiding. He didn’t feel brave enough to face what was coming yet. Sure, hiding the smartest thing he could do; but it was what he could manage. It was the only thing he could do with what little strength he had. He was a weak, after all.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh finally tapped on his email app and it opened. He had tons of them he has yet to sort through, so he just kept scrolling to find his contract and the sponsorship email for Ken’s concert.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As he kept going, one email caught his attention. Josh would have gone past it from scrolling too fast, but the subject ‘<strong>Notice of Acceptance</strong>’ caught his eye.</p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>Mr. Josh Cullen Santos<br/></strong>Applicant</p>
  <p>
    <strong>SUBJ: NOTICE OF ACCEPTANCE TO THE GRADUATE SCHOOL OF ENGINEERING, SB UNIVERSITY</strong>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>Mr. Santos:</p>
  <p>This is your official Notice of Acceptance (NOA) to the Graduate School of Engineering of SB University. After screening from a handful of applicants and reviewing the documents you submitted, the Graduate School is pleased to provide you with the following acceptance details:</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p><strong>SANTOS, Josh Cullen<br/></strong>ID Number: 20XX-02-0005<br/>Scholarship Status: Laboratory Assistant II (Robotics)</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>Please confirm your registration on or before July 1, 20XX by clicking on this <span class="u">[link]</span>. All instructions and required documentation are included in the link, as well as in the attachment below. Please submit these requirements to this email address.</p>
  <p>For your queries, please refer them to: <span class="u">queries.gradeng@sbuni.edu.xx</span>.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>We look forward to seeing you at the Graduate School of Engineering this semester!</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>Yours Truly,<br/><strong>A. Hong</strong><br/>Graduate School Secretary</p>
</blockquote><p>The next thing Josh heard was his own voice impressively cursing all the fancy words in his vocabulary.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Motherfucking hell</em>? The <em>freaking university</em> just <em>fucking </em>emailed him his <em>goddamn</em> NOA?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh felt like he was having a brain freeze. His hands started to shake, and he blinked back involuntary tears. He had sent his application weeks ago without even the slightest hope of getting accepted into the program, let alone qualify for the scholarship. He stared at the email again, just to make sure it was not some joke or scam.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After getting his brain to calm down significantly, Josh dialed on his phone to find someone to talk to. He automatically went to Ken’s contact page, the green button waiting to be tapped for the call.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh stopped himself. No. Not Ken.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He went back to his list and tapped on another contact. Justin would be excited for him. He knew. Josh was already smiling as the call connected.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What’s up?” came Justin’s voice as soon as he picked up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Guess what the fuck…!” Josh wheezed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ugh, did that moron teach you to curse so much?” he retched. “What is it about this time?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Justin! I got the scholarship—”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>What the fuck</em>?!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>I know</em>!” Josh said, a laughter bubbling inside his chest. He was feeling hysterical. “And I wasn’t even going to apply for it until you pushed me! But here I am, the NOA and confirmation of my scholarship status in my email.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Justin was already squealing a very manly squeal on the other end of the line. “My gosh, Josh! Prof was so tight-lipped about the people who got the scholarship, so I thought—oh, my gosh!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“‘Oh, my gosh’ is right. I can’t… believe it!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, my gosh,” Justin kept repeating. It felt good to have a friend who was even more excited about Josh’s good news than he was. “You should <em>definitely </em>enroll now! The stars have aligned!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh came down from his high for a moment. “But… then I’ll have to go full time, right? I’ll have loads of labwork and readings to catch up on.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ugh… I know that voice,” Justin sighed. “He’s making you second-guess again.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He doesn’t even know I applied.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah but thinking about leaving him is making you hesitate. Don’t lie to me, Josh Cullen. I know you like I know my brothers.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh just laughed at the compliment.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then, Justin said, “When will you choose you, Kuya Josh?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The statement was followed by a pregnant pause. That was a good question.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When <em>has </em>been the last time Josh chose himself? Years ago? Before he met Ken and he took advantage of his momentum to get into grad school? He was so eager then; he knew what he wanted to do, and what he did made him happy.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But the past five years of his life were spent on something else. He spent them pushing Ken towards the peak of his career.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In those five years, his friends and peers had all achieved something noteworthy in their lives. Justin, for example, had gone on an exchange and was going to be entering grad school soon. Josh’s past lab-mates were either decently published or working at private companies making tech he knew he would be good at. Some were even married, had kids, or were traveling around the world attending conventions.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh could have been all of those. He should have been something by now. At twenty-eight, he should <em>at least</em> have a stable job, a career he loved, an emergency fund, achievements he could be proud of… maybe even a loving, reciprocal relationship.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The more Josh thought of himself, the clearer the voices in his head became. The voices raised questions at the back of his head, from the darkest, most neglected recesses of his mind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What was he doing with his life?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Who was he doing these things for?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What does he really want?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When is he going to choose his own happiness instead of others’?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh did not have an answer to any of these questions, but they slapped him hard in the face. Hard enough that he felt more sober than he has had in a long time. It was like waking up from a good dream, realizing it was fake, and then finally being able to face reality.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Reality was where he was not where he wanted to be, but he didn’t do anything to move closer toward that place, either. Reality was where he had been unfair to himself, unkind to himself, selfless towards others at the expense of himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Now awake, he realized that he was stuck. Like he was in quicksand he thought was a pleasant hot bath. Out of love, devotion, and an unhealthy need to insert himself in Ken’s life, he stayed and pretended he was not actually sinking.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Oh, wow</em>, he thought. <em>Apparently, there’s more than one idiot in this story</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh felt like laughing. What a pitiable state he had put himself in. He had become so comfortable in the standstill that the first person who deserved his love and attention was left withering away at the bottom of his priorities.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And now, given a chance to choose that person—himself—he was still hesitating?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sounds like you need to think about some things,” Justin said to him when he became quiet for a long time. “I can call you back…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No, it’s fine,” Josh said, chuckling and squeezing his eyes shut. “But, uh… Can we meet up somewhere? Dinner, if it’s convenient.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Justin paused for a little bit. “I’m busy until 7:30, and it’s… <em>kind of</em> inconvenient.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, that’s okay.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But I’ll make time,” Justin said cheerfully. “We have to celebrate!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh chuckled again. There were still questions he needed to answer, thoughts he needed to process, but he was just so happy he let them pass.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ll come by the lab, then,” he said. “I want to see where I’ll be setting up once semester starts.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>A few more days and a lot of thinking later, Josh found himself walking up the concrete steps into the huge glass double doors of the Ken’s company. He looked fondly at the exterior, taking in the sights, colors, and sounds of the building he had called his own for the past five years.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It may not have been his goal, but it was a good temporary home. He would definitely miss it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Joshie!” a woman greeted the moment he walked into the company’s secondary mess hall.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sahara!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh opened his arms to hug the slightly plump young woman with the thick-rimmed glasses and a bright smile. Sahara did not hesitate to come into his arms and hug him back. Everyone else who were at the get-together gathered around Josh to pat his shoulder or ruffle his silver hair.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, no! I’m going to cry!” said one female staff member. Josh knew she was one of the newbies he had worked with on the preparations for Ken’s concert.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why, are you the one who’s leaving?” teased an older male staff member who was with the admin.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No, but… It’s too soon!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh just laughed. “It’s not like I’m moving away, <em>geez</em>. I’m only going to study!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, but we’ll see you less often here,” Sahara said. “When you told me you won’t be renewing your contract with us after this album, I was really sad, too.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sorry, sorry,” he apologized. “I read the NOA late. I know I inconvenienced you. That’s why I’m paying for this party, right?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sahara pouted. “Cheapskate. You should have gotten a fancy restaurant rather than the company’s mess hall for your going away party!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh laughed again. He had been laughing a lot more for the past few days, but it was not an unpleasant change. Surprising, yes; but welcome.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was just about to say a witty comeback when someone interrupted him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So, where’s the celebrant?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Everyone turned to the door and became silent. Standing in front of the open doors was Ken, who stood with nonchalant elegance in his smart-casual clothes, a black blazer hanging from his arm. He lowered his gaze to meet anyone’s eye, but all the staff members seemed too surprised to respond to him and his dazzling smile.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Did you invite him?” came one nervous whisper.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No, I don’t think Miss Sahara told him.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, shit.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You guys know I can hear you, right?” Ken asked, half-chuckling.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh, I invited him.” Everyone then turned to the silverhead, who raised his hand and gave Ken a small wave. “It’s… <em>my</em> going away party, so… I thought I’d invite him and Sejun. You guys don’t mind, do you?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There were murmurs among the people in attendance. They beckoned the idol closer, everyone casually turned to the plates of food on the table, making merry and small chitchat. Some of them started the karaoke machine they set up from the events hall and started playing tunes on it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh fell away from the crowd, stepping towards the newcomer who was rooted by the door.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey,” Josh greeted him, nodding. “Glad you could make it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken just stared at him with an unreadable expression, at least to a stranger. But Josh knew exactly what that look meant. The confusion and fear in Ken’s eyes would have been heartbreaking, if Josh had not already prepared for it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We’ll talk after this, I promise,” Josh said, nodding and shoving a paper plate in Ken’s hand. “For now, why don’t you have fun? It’s a party, after all.”</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. 2AM track twelve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>josh asks ken for one selfish request.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>chapter contains: awkward moments; trying a little bit of comedy; ken angst; slight josh angst; just know that it’s angst; mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>a selfish request</h1>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken is not patient; he never has been. That was why, when Josh kept ignoring him for days, Ken became distracted throughout his concert rehearsals. He thought he would finally get his answers when Josh texted him about a party, but the ‘going away party’ part only gave him more questions.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And now, at the party, Josh was still ignoring him. Ken’s legs bounced impatiently on the balls of his feet. He sipped the punch in his cup as he stared at Josh talk, laugh, smile at everyone in the party.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Everyone but him, that is.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken tsk-ed and stared at the silverhead about thirty feet and seven people away from him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No, he was not patient at all. Good thing, Josh laughing and smiling like that was enough to distract him from his growing impatience.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He smiled despite himself, swallowing his displeasure like he swallowed the punch.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And he waited.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>The party continued well into the night. Ken didn’t think that the punch had alcohol, but with the way everyone else was being merry it might has well have been. The guests ate and laughed like tipsy people. They sang and danced like the mess hall was <em>not </em>a mess hall but a disco.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Maybe it was because the party was for Josh, but everyone tried to go up and talk to him at least twice. Or rather, people were vying for his attention. Josh was never alone throughout the night, and he must have walked around the mess hall thrice because of how often people kept trying to call him over. They had gifts for him, too. Farewell presents, Ken guessed, in small paper bags or medium-sized boxes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>All this Ken saw from his solitary corner while he ate and drank without really trying to socialize with everyone else. There was only one person he came there for. That person was currently looking at the respectable pile of gifts on the floor while people started to trickle away one by one.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, no! How are you going to get all that to your house?” Ken’s marketing staff, Sahara, teased Josh as she stared wide-eyed at his gifts.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh only laughed nervously. “I’ll call a Grab or something… I can probably carry all these. It’ll be difficult, though.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, you’re forgetting about me!” Ken whined half-loudly from his table.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh and the handful of people around turned to stare at him. Ken drank his punch in one shot and walked over to the small crowd. As he did, he didn’t miss the way Josh smiled at him like he had only then remembered Ken was at the party.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Ouch</em>?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m still here, you know…” he said, pouting.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I didn’t forget, dummy,” Josh told him. “Just surprised at the offer.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken cocked his head to the back. “Come on. I’ll take you home.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The silverhead smiled apologetically at him. “I owe you…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They didn’t exchange any more words than simple comments on the gifts as they picked them up and carried them to Ken’s Altis. Between them and two other staff members, they were able to comfortably fit all the gifts on the back seat of Ken’s car with one trip. Then, Josh waved and hugged everyone goodbye before he got in the passenger seat.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As soon as he closed the door behind him, awkwardness settled in the space between them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh… music?” Ken asked, drumming his fingers of the wheel.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uhm, sure. Music.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He turned on the stereo and it immediately played the songs Ken had been listening to recently. When he realized it was a playlist of his emo songs, he immediately changed it and played his anime songs playlist instead.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh snickered, but he hid it behind his palm as he perched his elbow on the window and stared outside. Then, they let the music and the awkwardness battle it out in the air.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Almost an hour. That was how long the ride lasted even with midnight traffic. Ken was convinced it must be one of the most awkward car rides he’s ever been in.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He tried to focus on the road, but knowing Josh was right beside him and still not talking—<em>you promised</em>, he thought—made his impatience rear its ugly head again. He waited for Josh to talk first, considering what de Dios had told him before, but the man was not talking. Thinking enough awkwardness had seeped into his pores, he inhaled then glanced at Josh.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken could only snigger.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh was asleep, his head already lolling forward slightly as he napped. If he did not have a seatbelt on, Ken didn’t doubt he’d be lurching forward throughout the ride.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Sleepyhead</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken bit his cheeks, fighting the urge to laugh loudly and wake Grandpa Josh. He just waited for the light to turn red, then he gently tilted Josh’s head so it was resting on the chair.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He didn’t notice he remained smiling until he stopped the car in the parking lot of Josh’s apartment building. Josh was still sleeping, his breaths loud over the gentle music from the stereo.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Not wanting it to end just yet, Ken settled himself. He listened to the sound of Josh breathing, tried to memorize exactly the way the air smelled with Josh beside him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Just for a little while longer</em>, he thought. He wants to have that moment to himself just a little while longer.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh woke up when he choked on his own snoring. Ken had been waiting for it, he knew it was bound to happen, but seeing it was still just as amusing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Ugh</em>, how long have I been asleep for?” Josh asked, blinking his eyes several times.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Few minutes,” Ken said. He touched his fingers to his own mouth and said, “You have some drool around here.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yuck, sorry.” Josh wiped it with the back of his hand.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And then, an awkward three seconds.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh broke it this time with one deep breath.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well… okay. Here we go.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Mm…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Listen, about last time,” he started. “That wasn’t how I would have wanted you to find out.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken nodded, knowing exactly what he meant. “How… long?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh. Ah… Few years.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He bit his lip, unable to look in Josh’s direction. It was much more comfortable when he was asleep. The knowledge that Josh was awake made Ken feel vulnerable. He felt his ears grow hot as he became conscious of himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So, all this time?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>This time, he saw Josh nod from the corner of his eye, his silver hair moving as he did.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And you’re leaving me because of that?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“At first, it was a huge part of it,” Josh began. “It’s like, finally… a one-way ticket out of this predicament, you know? It’s like everything that’s been happening to me recently was preparing me to turn my back on you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken gripped the wheel tight. “Am I… <em>that</em> unlikeable?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Not exactly. You’re difficult, but not unlikeable. I should know.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So why? Why are you leaving me?” Ken turned to Josh this time. He wanted to see what expression Josh would make. “You can stay. We can just… forget everything happened and you can stay. <em>Stay with me</em>.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh looked at him. How come Ken never noticed how round his eyes were before? He blinked those handsome eyes before he tore his gaze away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He laughed as if he thought of something funny.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You know… I got scared for a moment there,” Josh said.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Because I was about to say ‘yes’,” he said, looking beyond the windshield at some lonely movie being played in his head. “And I would’ve said ‘yes’ if I wasn’t already prepared for this conversation.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken remained quiet. He continued to stare, his hands on the steering wheel the only thing reminding him that he shouldn’t just grab the man next to him and jostle him until he tells Ken everything.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I probably haven’t told you this enough in the years we’ve been friends, but…” Josh sighed and chuckled. “You are one selfish son of a bitch.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The first attack. Ken felt like he just got stabbed in the chest. He could practically see the knife being wedged in the space between his ribs, sinking into his skin and puncturing his beating heart.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh turned to him and smiled sadly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re saying… that I should stay with you even if we both know that I am—” he hesitated but continued anyway, “—that I have feelings for you? I should stay even if you know it will be hard for me, is that what you’re saying?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That had not crossed Ken’s mind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>A selfish son of a bitch</em>. Of course, that wouldn’t cross his mind. He just swallowed as Josh chuckled again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s been hard for me all this time before you found out. And now that you know, you don’t think it would be twice as hard for me?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sorry,” was the only thing that came out of his mouth before he could stop himself. The knife in his chest twisted, rupturing his veins, causing him to bleed out, it felt.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh took a deep breath. He held it in his chest before he slowly exhaled and shook his head.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You shouldn’t blame yourself,” Josh said. “You’re not responsible for anything I felt. Sure, you were touchy and clingy <em>as fuck</em>—” they both chuckled, “—but my feelings are <em>my </em>feelings. I can’t blame you for something I felt. Something I had a hand in.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh turned to him and Ken felt his stare become both a cure and an aggravation to the growing ache in his heart.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“When I stayed, it was because of me. Now, I’m choosing something else and it’s <em>still</em> because of me,” Josh said, and Ken thought if he pondered those words, they would explain everything.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You asked me if it was about you?” Josh shook his head. “No, Ken. I realized for the past few days that not everything I do should be about you. Sure, that was how it was in the past. And that’s probably how I ended up in this quicksand, anyway.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Now… Now I realized, ‘Hey, I gotta do something for myself, too,’ you know?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The way Josh smiled at him was so beautiful… so sad… that Ken didn’t know whether to pat him on the head or pull him in a hug. He just tightened his hands around the wheel, unable to tear his gaze away from those tantalizing eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You know… how I’m a total nerd for robots, right?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken was able to smile weakly. “Like a little kid.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh laughed out loud. Ken wanted to trap that sound in his hands and put it on a mix tape.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Like a little kid, I know,” Josh nodded enthusiastically. “I… got a scholarship. A slot for an assistantship at the university. You know how much I’ve wanted to get back to it, don’t you?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s your…” Ken exhaled, “… your dream.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Mm-hmm. I just feel like it’s such a waste to let this one go.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So why can’t you stay with me despite it?” Ken asked. “Why… do I feel like you’re saying ‘goodbye’?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” it was Josh’s turn to say. “Sorry if you see it that way.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Isn’t it?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Maybe because… I’m taking a path separate from you from now on. You’ve been so used—no, <em>we</em> have been so used to having each other around that… we don’t know what it’s like to be apart anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And that’s why we have to separate, Ken.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I… don’t get it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh chuckled. “And I don’t blame you! It took me three days and a <em>whole lot</em> of drama to unpack all of this. I’m not expecting you to get it in just a few minutes.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He scratched the back of his head, ruffling the silver strands Ken always liked to touch.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You… can be amazing, Ken.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I <em>am</em> amazing… though…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh chuckled. Ken chuckled, too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sure. But, like… even <em>more</em> amazing. You know? But I feel like because I’m around, you’re not trying to challenge yourself anymore. You’re becoming… stagnant.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Am not</em>!” Ken replied in a whiny and high-pitched voice he almost exclusively uses with Josh and Stell.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You are,” Josh told him. “You could make your own songs that will blow everyone away. But because you know I’m here, you just let your selfish, lazy ass go without even trying to pick up a pen.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken added that to all the things he needed to think about.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ken, I love you,” Josh told him with a wide smile on his face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken blinked, eyes going wide and face growing hotter than he thought was possible. Suddenly, there was a ringing in his ears that made it hard to hear anything else but the echoes of ‘Ken, I love you’.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Okay, heart, stop overreacting</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh looked as if he only then realized how his words sounded and immediately followed up with, “Erm—I mean—Like, we’re <em>friends</em>. Like, I love you because we’re friends, <em>geez</em>! Fucking hell, I am going off-script!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken felt that Josh must have blushed just as hard as he was. It was one of the most awkward things he ever had to endure—more awkward than his first TV show guesting or the first time he held a woman.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh recovered after slapping his cheeks with both hands. When his face transitioned back to a more acceptable shade, Josh kept his gaze forward and cleared his throat.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We’ll <em>always </em>be friends, so… I don’t want you to get stuck, okay? Even if I’m not around as much anymore, I want you to do things for yourself that challenge you as an artist. Like… make your own songs or produce your own album. Or direct your own MV.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken’s ears were still ringing, his thoughts still stuck somewhere to a minute ago, but he let Josh continue as his heartbeat steadied in his chest.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And <em>I </em>don’t want to get stuck, either. I want…” Josh said, smiling a little, “I want to be an engineer and make tech… Tech that could change lives, tech that can be used for surv—”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“—surveillance, security, and-dash-or health and medicine,” Ken continued for him. Josh looked at him with a surprised expression. “I… de Dios told me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, well… That guy says a lot of unnecessary things.” Josh chuckled at him. “So… if you see me as your friend, Ken… or if our friendship meant even a little bit to you—”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Of course, it did!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Then, can I have one selfish request?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken grit his teeth, staring at Josh like his life depended on those brown, brown eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Let me go.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The biggest blow.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If Ken could cry on cue, he would have. His chest hurt like hell and the pain was hard to describe. The pleading look on Josh’s face was hard to describe.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His own feelings at that moment… were hard to describe.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It won’t be the same…” Ken whispered, himself pleading.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh shook his head. “I’m afraid not… but I’d rather hurt moving forward than hurt standing still.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Indeed, it was a selfish request.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The first and only one Josh has asked of him in the years they knew each other.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What Josh wanted to do was something that clearly pained him. And there was something in the silverhead’s eyes that told Ken he would still do it even if Ken did not agree.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken grit his teeth. His brain was thrashing and yelling, telling him to say, ‘no’; to tell Josh anything to get him to stay. Ken knew how easy it would be.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But for the first time, he came face to face with the ugliness of his own selfishness.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Stupid</em>. <em>Selfish</em>.<em> Cruel</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken bit his tongue and didn’t say anything.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh breathed out loudly, and then Ken knew he had said his piece. The sparkle in Josh’s eyes told him so.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh put a hand on Ken’s tense shoulder and said, “Well… that’s all. Call me, text me, whatever. If you need anything, I’ll still be here, alright?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay,” Ken replied curtly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ll send you my quota in a few days once I’ve written them down,” he said and continued to a lighter topic. He unbuckled the seatbelt and gripped the door’s handle. Then, he gave Ken another wide, apologetic smile, and said firmly, “Goodbye.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken could not reply to that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So he didn’t.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Even though he knew Josh left all his gifts, even though he knew he wasn’t a hundred percent okay with everything that happened, even though it would be too easy to open the door and stomp after Josh, Ken let him go while he stayed sitting in his car.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>One minute. Two minutes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He let the shock, confusion, self-loathing, and self-pity curdle in his veins like poison.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And then, when he felt Josh would not return to take it all back, Ken drove off.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>almost. done. with. arc. one! grrrrr</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. 2AM track thirteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>ken takes some booze, smoke, and time to reflect.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>number thirteen is a lucky number</p>
<p>chapter contains: cigarette use; drinking; stell being another kind of friend; some sort of fluff, i guess; mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>the equation again</h1>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken wondered at the back of his head if, perhaps, Narcissus hated himself right before he turned into a flower of white and gold. After all, his death was self-inflicted; his own preoccupation of himself burning and eventually consuming him from the inside. Ken wondered, too, if this hatred was greater than what Ken felt for himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Probably not. If it were a competition, Ken would win the battle of ‘Which Selfish Bastard Hates Himself More’.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken took a deep drag of the cigarette between his fingers. The smoke made him cough once. He cursed it. Loved the pain that came with it. Pulled in another.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His gaze lingered to the glass wall he was facing, which showed the cityscape nineteen floors below glinting red, yellow, and blue in a river of black.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As Ken stared at the picturesque scene, he saw a handsome young man's reflection on the glass. Like the character from legend, that man was attractive, his reflection on the glass divine with the twinkling city lights, making it seem like he was made of tiny multi-colored diamonds. Ken knew this was the face that made people swoon.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But that beauty hid a black hole. Ken knew this of Narcissus. He knew this of himself, too. It was this hidden void that gave Ken his insatiable hunger to take from people until he had what he wanted. And now that he began to see what he had been doing, what he has done, he was also starting to see the emptiness behind his own façade.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Now, all Ken saw of the beautiful man in his reflection was a gaunt and sleepless face, eyes deep from the dark circles around it. His hair stuck out in every direction, making tiny black tornados on his crown. He looked completely miserable sitting limp on the floor next to the bed, one hand holding a can of beer while he was surrounded with ash, cigarette butts, and crushed, empty cans.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken looked like a mess. He felt it suited him just fine.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He really <em>was </em>a selfish brat, wasn’t he? He could imagine why no one would want him. His parents volleyed him back and forth. Most of his friends in high school were opportunistic losers who only befriended him because he had money. Maybe that was why he thought of himself above all. Why he put his own feelings first, thought about nothing else but his own dreams and goals, ensured his own convenience above anyone else’s. In his mind, if he were given the chance to save someone from a shipwreck, he would definitely save himself because no one else would do it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No one... except...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh. Josh would save him. If they were in a shipwreck and drowning, Josh would disregard his own safety and lack of swimming ability to save Ken. Or anyone else, for that matter. The silverhead was like that: absolutely selfless to a fault. That was probably why he was the only one who could stand Ken. The only one who wanted him… even if Ken <em>was </em>a selfish and single-minded son of a bitch.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Ken, I love you</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh, although he almost immediately took it back, said it with such a genuine smile on his face that Ken believed for a moment that he was someone who could be loved, despite his obvious flaws. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Thinking about that made Ken laugh out loud. Once he started, he found it hard to stop. He laughed so hard tears fell from his eyes to his flushed cheeks, dripping in a steady stream down his chin.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You should love yourself, idiot~!” Ken said drunkenly to no one in particular. He raised his can as if to toast, then finished its contents in two large gulps. “You first from now on.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken looked at his reflection again. He was pitiable in his state, but at the same time Ken could not help but be a little bit proud that his misery came at someone else’s freedom.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You go be an engineer, Josh Cullen Santos,” he said while nodding to his own reflection.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then, with self-loathing as his blanket and drunkenness his pillow, he lay on his side on the cold floor. Ken forced himself to sleep, hoping that when he wakes up, he will be nothing but a pretty white and gold flower.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, I’m sorry. I must have knocked on the wrong door. I thought Ken Suson lived here, not some hungover hobo who clearly needs a bath.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken just messed up his hair in annoyance. He did not feel awake yet, and his eyes kept shutting over themselves while he struggled to remain standing. He had a migraine that threatened to split his skull in half. To make matters worse, Stell was being an annoying prick first thing in the morning.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“If you’re here to just piss me off—”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Obviously, I’m <em>not</em>,” Stell said, pushing past him and into the dark living room. The curtains were closed, and Ken turned off all the lights in his home. “I’m here to bring some sunshine into your dark and totally smelly life!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As he said that, Stell drew the curtains back, letting the sunlight assault Ken with its brightness.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Argh</em>! Close that! I’m sensitive to light right now!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Serves you right,” the bartender said. “Have you already taken some Advil?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, I have.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“How long have you been like this?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Since… Thursday?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s Tuesday today.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, well… That’s surprising.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken wondered how Stell was there. Ken had called in sick and completely hid in his condo for… well, almost a week, apparently. He didn’t feel like facing people and remembering how shitty he had been to them. Someone from the company must have contacted someone until they reached him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken ignored his unwanted visitor and sat on one of his long couches in the living room. Meanwhile, Stell started to pick up the beer cans, cigarette butts, empty takeout containers, and other weird trash Ken had been busy with for the past week.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Can you please stop moving, Stell? Watching you move around is giving me a headache.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ignoring him, his friend just said, “I’m surprised you’re still alive after all of this,” while gesturing to the insane amount of alcohol Ken had finished by himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken didn’t give him a response. Instead, he laid his head on the couch’s backrest and stared at the ceiling.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, Stell…” Ken called out after a while.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yes, hobo Ken?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Am I selfish with you?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The rustling sounds stopped, and even though he couldn’t see it, Ken knew Stell was staring straight.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, boy…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Stell sat beside him. He was quiet for a time, and when Ken turned to look, he was staring up at the cream-colored ceiling, too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Listen… I don’t know what Josh said, but I don’t think he said it so you’d end up drunk and miserable.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You didn’t answer my question, though…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Stell sighed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re <em>kind of </em>selfish... and pushy.” Ken scoffed. “But that doesn’t mean you’re a horrible person. Selfish and pushy are fine. You just… go a bit overboard sometimes.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Too many words, Stell,” Ken complained, feeling his veins throb in his temples.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You are not <em>completely</em> bad or good, okay? You’re just the right, <em>human</em> amount of bad and good.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m not sure if that made me feel better, but okay.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Stell pat Ken’s head. “Did your conversation end that badly?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It ended well, actually,” Ken answered. “I’m proud that I was able to give him what he wanted.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh. Well, that doesn’t sound too bad. What did you do?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I let him go,” he explained briefly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken didn’t have tears in his eyes anymore, but they stung, nonetheless. And when he felt Stell’s hand give him steady pats on the shoulder, he inhaled to stop a tired groan from escaping his throat.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That was brave. I’m honestly proud of you, too.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, but…” Ken said, blinking lazily. “Now, who do I have?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Contrary to your popular belief, your world does not begin and end with Josh,” Stell said like he was stating a fact. “You have me. And you have your other friends, your staff.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>They’re not Josh</em>, Ken wanted to say. But he let that statement linger in the air.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hm… And you have <em>you</em>, I guess? Maybe it’s time you learn to thrive on your own, too.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Wow… That’s deep.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I know. And I’m not even drunk yet.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken chuckled. For the first time in days, Ken chuckled a good-hearted chuckle that was not sarcasm directed at himself. Stell might have barged in on him in the middle of his pity party, but Ken could not help from feeling a little bit thankful for him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You mind if I smoke?” he asked Stell out of the blue.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re smoking again?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Only for now,” he replied. Without waiting for a response, Ken took out a half-empty cigarette box from his hoodie’s pocket, lit it, and took in a long breath. “By the way, about the equation…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What equation?” came Stell’s drawl.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You know… the equation about the significance and the nature of change thing you mentioned before.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Stell only hummed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I think I figured it out,” he said while puffing out a thin stream of white smoke. “Or something…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Good for you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I was an idiot, Stell,” he said. “Something <em>did</em> change. I was just too scared to acknowledge it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Acknowledgment is always the scariest first step,” Stell replied. “You realized it just now?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“The moment he left my car.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, that’s perfect timing.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I know,” Ken chuckled, biting the cigarette between his front teeth. “In hindsight, I must have been thinking… what we had was better, you know. We already had something special that was just ours.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Believe me, everyone with eyes could see that.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But…” Ken sucked on the cigarette between his lips. “I don’t know if it’s something I want to change? I mean… We had a perfectly good thing going on. Why would we need to change that?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re just scared.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Like shit,” Ken replied monotonously. “And I only know how to flirt with women. Going steady with someone… and a man, to boot. That’s… I dunno...”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Wait, so…” Stell let his ‘o’ drag on, “… you’re thinking about it?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“About what?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“About dating Josh and stuff.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken could only take in a deep breath through his cigarette and release the vapor in the air. He watched the smoke pillar rise and then dissipate in the air. Shit, the smell was going to stick to the furniture, no doubt.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m… not sure,” Ken replied. “I’m not even sure if this feeling is, you know, romantic enough to count…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Or if you just <em>think</em> you like him because you’re losing him.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Exactly. I know I’m better with him. It’s confusing, this feeling; but it makes sense if it’s him,” he said. Then, he exhaled, feeling the menthol in his throat. “But I don't know how serious this is.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, you won’t know until you try it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Being with him is a privilege I can’t afford at the moment.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Stell whistled. “Wow… You should write your own songs with those lines. You know how people are soft for stuff like that.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken chuckled. “But, well. It doesn’t matter anymore… It’s too late now. I already lost him. He’s not coming back.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He’ll be back,” Stell said. “I mean… Maybe not immediately, but you guys will find your way.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I wonder about that…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But do you want him back, though?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken took his time answering that. He wasn’t sure of what to answer in the first place. The prospect of holding Josh back from his dreams scared him more than having no one beside him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m not… <em>good </em>enough.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yet,” Stell corrected.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>At all</em>.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>This time, Stell turned his head to face Ken. “Hey… you’re not a bad guy, okay? You’re a difficult character, but you’re not a bad person.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sure.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You don’t believe me, do you?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken shrugged, and then he laughed. “Not today.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That’s fine. It’ll probably take some time for you,” Stell said. “But… you know you have to work on it right? You can’t keep sulking like this. You gotta take one step forward, too; even if you’re not totally okay, yet.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken smirked. He had been on a self-destructive streak for the past few days because of what he learned. For the first time in twenty-four years, he took a good, long look at himself and saw how completely despicable he was. It was like Narcissus looking at his own reflection for the first time and not quite expecting what he saw.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He felt like he was the worst human being. Selfish, ugly, unlovable… </p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Ken</em>,<em> I love you</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Well, maybe not completely beyond salvation.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ll work on it, yeah,” Ken said, snuffing out his cigarette on the ashtray.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You might wanna start working on it today, pal.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Pssh. Sure.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That’s why… we should head out and get out of this stuffy place, okay?” Stell offered. “Because seriously. I might contract tuberculosis just staying here.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Haha, you’re exaggerating,” Ken laughed, then he sat upright. “Let me call the cleaning crew to take care of the mess first.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Like a rich kid does.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Haha, rich kids do what rich kids do, dude.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ll wait in the lobby while you get cleaned up, hobo,” Stell told him. The man stood up and walked to the foyer. “Take a long bath and change. I’ll take you to get breakfast and to a spa somewhere.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Who’s the rich kid now?” Ken said, standing too and grabbing the huge plastic bag of trash that Stell managed to collect earlier.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Come on... I have to go to the club later tonight.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Fine.” Before Stell could turn his back, Ken stopped him. “Hey, Stell.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yes, hobo?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken gave him what he hoped was a grateful smile. “Thanks for coming.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Just hurry up,” Stell just said, rolling his eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When the barista closed the door behind him, Ken looked around his messy and stuffy living room, remembered his even messier bedroom, and then the trash in his hands. It needed a thorough cleaning, and maybe a little refurbishing wouldn’t be so bad, either.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His house was a perfect representation of how shitty he had been feeling for the past few days. One day, maybe he would be able to do a clean sweep of his own life, too. It probably won’t be as easy and painless as calling a cleaning crew, but Ken guessed it wouldn’t be impossible. Maybe. He would just have to start somewhere.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken took out the almost-empty box of cigarettes in his hand. He hesitated for a little while before he chucked it into the trash bag in his other hand.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There. He would start with that.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>7:49AM<br/>From: Ajero, S.</strong><br/>We’ll head out to breakfast<br/>now. Thinking of taking<br/>him to a spa. 🤔</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>7:50AM<br/>To: Ajero, S.<br/></strong>Thanks, Stell. I owe you.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>7:50AM<br/>From: Ajero, S.<br/></strong>You don’t, Josh. Ken is as<br/>much my buddy as you<br/>are mine.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>7:51AM<br/>From: Ajero, S.<br/></strong>Now, go and take your time<br/>for yourself. You deserve it.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>7:52AM</strong><br/>From: Ajero, S.<br/>I’m happy for you, buddy<br/>I love you💕🍓</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. 2AM track fourteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The end is beginning.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is long! last chapter for arc one, are you ready?!</p><p>also, the songs to be used in this chapter are not mine! let's pretend that they’re ken’s originals. thank you very much!</p><p>chapter contains: a surprise; mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>postmidnight thoughts</h1><p> </p><p>He did it. His heart hammered in his chest the whole time, but he did it. He was finally able to tell Ken everything he had been thinking about and wanted to say for days. And now, Josh was freer than he had ever been in years.</p><p> </p><p>He should be happy. He should be content. He should jump in glee because <em>finally</em>… he took the brave first step forward.</p><p> </p><p>But not yet. Because the moment he closed the door behind him, Josh felt like he had just left a part of himself in the car. And what remained of him was being haunted by the pain and the fear he saw in Ken’s handsome face. His heart throbbed with a pang of guilt.</p><p> </p><p>Josh shook his head.</p><p> </p><p>He’ll be fine. The pain will pass. Ken will pick himself up and keep moving forward. He’s stronger than Josh gives him credit for.</p><p> </p><p>And besides, Josh can’t really worry about him anymore; not when he himself was barely standing on two feet, not quite wrapping his head around what he will do, how they will be from now on. Josh would have to learn to be by himself, care for himself, and then some.</p><p> </p><p>Then he will be fine, too.</p><p> </p><p><em>Not tonight, though</em>, he thought. <em>Not yet</em>.</p><p> </p><p>That night, Josh was kept awake by a million thoughts past midnight. Instead of vainly tossing and turning in his bed, Josh positioned himself on the living room couch. He pulled out a pen and his writing pad, then began to write lyrics to a song for what might be the last time.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Ken was ‘sick’. And because people were worried, it was natural for them to ask Josh about him.</p><p> </p><p>Not even a week since their talk and Josh’s resolve was already being tested.</p><p> </p><p>He wanted to go running to the idol’s house just to check on him. He wanted to see that Ken was fine, that there was no reason to worry about him. Josh wanted to reassure him that things were still good between them.</p><p> </p><p>But no. Josh had to learn that he was not Ken’s savior, and Ken would have to learn to be a little bit more independent from Josh’s coddling.</p><p> </p><p>Deciding he would have to let go of his unhealthy attachment a little bit at a time, Josh scrolled through his contacts and immediately sent a text to Stell.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>7:51AM<br/>From: Ajero, S.<br/></strong>Now, go and take your time<br/>for yourself. You deserve it.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>7:52AM<br/>From: Ajero, S.<br/></strong>I’m happy for you, buddy<br/>I love you💕🍓</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>Josh smiled at the message he received. Not everyone knew about the entire story of his recent decisions, but those who did know were supportive. Sejun, Stell, and Justin didn’t blame Josh for going back to school. Instead, they were happy for him and wished him well. And in Sejun and Stell’s case, they promised that they would look after Ken in his absence.</p><p> </p><p>It hurt a little bit to know that Josh wouldn’t be a prominent figure in Ken’s life anymore. He had lingering thoughts about being useless, unwanted, and unnecessary to the idol. While this was a real possibility, Josh decided he would have to face it. After all, his life can no longer revolve on another person’s axis. He had to be firm and live his own life.</p><p> </p><p>He knew it was going to take a lot of effort to recover from his need of being needed, though. After all, healing doesn’t come overnight. Josh had prepared himself for a long and arduous journey to move forward.</p><p> </p><p>With these thoughts in mind, Josh smiled and nodded.</p><p> </p><p>He should make himself whole first, have a sense of identity separate from anyone else’s. So that when the time comes for him to open up to another person again, he wouldn’t look to them for appreciation or validation. He would be able to give that to himself.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Hey, Justin.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yep. What’s up?” came Justin’s enthusiastic response over the phone. “Are you done packing your stuff yet?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh looked around at his almost bare studio apartment. Most of his stuff were already packed in moving boxes and large plastic containers. He only needed to put away the rest of his clothes in his suitcase, and then he would be ready for when he moves.</p><p> </p><p>Five years. The apartment he was leaving had been his home for five long years. He remembered the day he moved in and only Ken was there to have a housewarming with him. At that time, it felt like they were moving in together; his younger self had the delusion that he was the lover waiting for the idol to come back home every night.</p><p> </p><p>Now, looking around as it was stripped of most of its fancy decorations, Josh couldn’t help but think how naïve he had been in the past. It wasn’t necessarily a bad or shameful thing. There was nothing shameful about wanting to be in a loving relationship. His was just unrealistic… and it was cringey as motherfuck. He would have felt sorry for himself had he not accepted that everything happened because he needed to grow wiser.</p><p> </p><p>Whether it was him making excuses or justifying everything that had happened, Josh became proud of how far he had come.</p><p> </p><p>“Almost done,” Josh said, sealing one more box with packaging tape. He walked back to his bedroom which was mostly bare, too, and began to stuff most of the clothes in a separate container. “But I’m actually calling about a different thing.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh. What about?” Justin asked him.</p><p> </p><p>“You, uh… You know how to dye hair, right?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah. Why? Do you wanna dye your hair?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh caught a glimpse of his own reflection on his mirror. “Yup.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, then… But I like that color on you, though,” Justin said. “If there’s one thing I like about that guy, it’s his fashion sense.”</p><p> </p><p>“Agreed,” he said, nodding while folding clothes from his cabinet into a box. “I’ll come by your house tomorrow, then?”</p><p> </p><p>“Sure… See ya.”</p><p> </p><p>“See you,” he said and dropped the call.</p><p> </p><p>Josh put another one of his jeans in the container before he grabbed another one to fold. As he took it out, he realized that it was an unfamiliar denim jacket that was obviously not his.</p><p> </p><p><em>Ah</em>.</p><p> </p><p>It was Ken’s. The same one that he left with Josh on the night he walked in on him and his would-be partner.</p><p> </p><p>The night that started it all.</p><p> </p><p>Looking back at everything, Josh couldn’t help but stifle a laugh. He wondered why he now found everything that happened to be laughable. Maybe it’s because it <em>was </em>really funny. After all, tragedy is comedy misunderstood. Or maybe it’s because acceptance gave him new eyes with which to see everything through.</p><p> </p><p>Either way, Josh found it easier to pick up his phone and type a message to the person he dreaded to even think about in the past weeks.</p><p> </p><p><em>Congratulations, Josh</em>, he said to himself. <em>You have now taken a step forward</em>.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>10:17PM<br/>To: Suson, K.<br/></strong>When are you free? You<br/>have clothes to pick up at<br/>my place.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>10:20PM<br/>From: Suson, K.<br/></strong>Hey. I’ll come by the day<br/>after tomorrow. I also<br/>need to deliver the gifts<br/>you left in my car.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>10:25PM<br/>From: Suson, K.<br/></strong>That’d be great. Thanks.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>10:30PM<br/>From: Suson, K.<br/></strong>How have you been?</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>Josh gave no response.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Ken’s knocks were always confident and sure. There was a rhythm and beat to the way he pounds on the door that Josh never had trouble recognizing him.</p><p> </p><p>So, when two quiet taps came, Josh barely noticed it.</p><p> </p><p>The next two knocks, Josh finally stopped giving the bolts on his robot the final turns. He grimaced, thinking if he did hear knocks or they were the figment of his imagination.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, it’s me. Open up,” came Ken’s usual smooth and deep voice.</p><p> </p><p>Josh set down the shoebox-sized robot from his lap to the floor, then he tucked his trusty, old screwdriver behind his right ear.</p><p> </p><p>“Yep, hold on!” he called.</p><p> </p><p>Ken was looking healthy as he stood in front of Josh’s door that night. He had his hood up, and he was wearing tight-fitting jeans and oversized boots. Seeing him again, Josh knew he still loved him because Ken was still gorgeous in his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, thanks for coming,” he greeted with a nod.</p><p> </p><p>Ken only hummed, raising his hands slightly. He was carrying large shopping bags in them which contained Josh’s farewell gifts.</p><p> </p><p>He silently padded inside the apartment while Josh closed the door.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re… moving?” was Ken’s first statement.</p><p> </p><p>Josh nodded at him.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” he replied. “I found a cheap place within walking distance from the university. It’ll save me both time and money, and I hate commuting.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, yeah. That makes sense,” Ken said but didn’t pry. Behind those seemingly-emotionless eyes were so many questions Josh could only guess what about.</p><p> </p><p>Ken put the large shopping bags in his hands on the long couch. Then, he turned to face Josh who was still standing by the front door.</p><p> </p><p>“And, uh… you dyed your hair.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh nodded. “Can’t exactly go to school looking like a boyband member, can I?”</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, yeah…”</p><p> </p><p>A short silence passed between them before Ken quietly turned back to the bags of gifts he brought. He stuck his hand in the larger bag and pulled out a hefty, black, rectangular case and held it out to Josh.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, can’t really… see you off without a farewell gift, can I?” he said with an adoring smile.</p><p> </p><p>Josh felt his eyes widen, reaching out to take the gift in his hands.</p><p> </p><p>“Woah, is this—?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” he said. Josh excitedly sat on one of the lone couches to open the heavy case on his lap. “You once said that your toolbox was getting old, so… yeah…”</p><p> </p><p>Josh barely heard what Ken had just said while he ogled the sexy metal tools arranged in the molded case. The engineer’s eyes darted all over the toolbox—from the screwdrivers with the black-and-red handle, to the sleek stainless steel wrench, to the ratchet and the hex key sets—Josh became speechless.</p><p> </p><p>“Ken, this hasn’t even been sold on the Philippine market yet!”</p><p> </p><p>Ken hummed and Josh could tell he was feeling a bit smug. “Yeah, I know. I ordered it months ago. Was going to give it to you on your birthday, but… guess now is as good a time as any.”</p><p> </p><p>“Really, I’m… I’m really happy but—” Josh took out the screwdriver he realized was still tucked in his ear, “—this is too expensive. I can’t accept this…”</p><p> </p><p>Ken was hovering over his seat when Josh looked up, and he didn’t miss the proud sparkle in his eyes as their eyes met.</p><p> </p><p>“Come on… This might be the last time I get to spoil you so… Take it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Erm… I feel bad about this.”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t,” Ken said, chuckling. “Give it up. We both know you’ll buckle, anyway. Let’s just skip to the part where you accept it, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh laughed, too. Ken was right.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright, alright.” He temporarily closed the case, promising himself he’ll inspect it in more detail later on, and placed it on the coffee table. Then, taking his small remote, he turned back to Ken and said, “Let me show you something good, then. As thanks.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh stood up. Then, pushing Ken out of the living room, he led them both to the space between the front door and the kitchen.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you doing?” he asked.</p><p> </p><p>Josh ignored him. Instead, he started pressing buttons on the remote and then toggling the switch around. His commands were followed by a whirring and the sound of gears turning on an axle. Josh looked up at Ken, and watched his eyes widen when Josh’s four-wheeled robotic vehicle came revving past the couches. It turned a corner when Josh commanded on the remote to do so, and it skidded to where they stood. The circular globe perched at the top of its body moved, the eye-like camera now pointed towards the two of them.</p><p> </p><p>“Woah!” came Ken’s exclamation. “What kind of weird pet is this?”</p><p> </p><p>“Haha! It’s a robot, dork.” Josh bent down to pick it up and show it to him. “You just witnessed the first test drive of the Stanley Prototype.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken laughed. “Uh… I’m honored, I guess. What does it do?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, it just runs on the ground around for now,” Josh explained. “But if I can get more parts, I can probably make it climb up walls and stuff. And this camera here is pretty useful because it’s basically simple surveillance technology made from scratch. If we can compress the mechanisms and make them smaller—”</p><p> </p><p>Josh stopped himself. He hadn’t realized he was already ranting until Ken chortled. When Josh looked up at him, he was already stifling a laugh behind his balled fist, eyes crinkling as he watched Josh nerd out by himself.</p><p> </p><p>Josh blushed and set down the robot on the floor. “The fuck! Don’t laugh!”</p><p> </p><p>Ken lost it at that. He let out the laughter he had been holding.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, sorry! It’s just—<em>haha</em>—you were so into it, I—” he wheezed. He tried to contain himself, breathing in deeply to get a grip of himself. “Okay—<em>pfft</em>—I’m done.”</p><p> </p><p>“See?! This is why I don’t nerd out in front of you! I knew you’d make fun of me!”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not making fun of you,” he said, biting his cheeks to stop himself from laughing again.</p><p> </p><p>Josh only pouted at him.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not, I promise,” Ken said, almost whining. “I actually like that you nerded out almost instantaneously like that. It makes me think… you’re really gonna do it, huh? Graduate school.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Josh replied, taking a deep breath. “<em>Finally</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m happy for you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks…” Josh looked him in the eyes and said again, “And… thanks.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken’s smile melted just a little as he returned the gaze almost as intensely.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey… About everything…” he began, but Ken’s voice trailed off and he lost the words he was going to say as they continued to stare.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe it was because they knew each other for a long time that they could already communicate like that. There was an intimacy to the way Ken stared at him—apologetic, regretful, afraid, adoring—that Josh could read Ken’s myriad thoughts like he had said them all out loud.</p><p> </p><p>Josh had a lot to say, too. But no words came to him, either. Bravely, he just held out a hand to Ken’s cheek and pulled him in to kiss his lips.</p><p> </p><p><em>Don’t be scared</em>, Josh said in his mind as he kissed him. <em>I don’t hate you</em>.</p><p> </p><p>To his surprise, Ken wrapped his hand around his wrist and pulled him close. He tilted his head, angling his mouth to kiss Josh back and deepening it. Ken inhaled without breaking their liplock, like he was sucking in Josh’s scent, memorizing the feel of Josh’s lips.</p><p> </p><p><em>I’m okay</em>, <em>I forgive you</em>, Josh seemed to have replied when Ken kissed him almost desperately.</p><p> </p><p>Josh wasn’t sure if Ken kissing him meant something romantic or that was just him being swept along. All Josh knew was it was somehow his way of asking for an assurance, a confirmation that he wasn’t despised; that he wasn’t hated. And Josh kissed him back to tell him he wasn’t, to tell him how Josh feels about him, and to do the one thing he had always wanted to do… even for just a little while. After all, it might be the last time.</p><p> </p><p>Josh quickly pulled back when he felt like they had gone too far. Ken chased after his lips, but he turned away.</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s stop here,” he told Ken and sheepishly took a step back. “We can call my five years of suffering quits now.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken seemed surprised, looking lost for a minute before he pulled his hood lower. “Yeah… Sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh only chuckled. Then, he made the quick trip to his bedroom to retrieve Ken’s clothes in a paper bag and took it back to the idol.</p><p> </p><p>“Here you go,” Josh said.</p><p> </p><p>Ken mumbled something Josh didn’t hear as he took the paper bag in his hand. He was still looking at the floor, shy and sheepish. It was one of the rare vulnerable sides of Ken that only Josh was allowed to see; sides he would surely miss.</p><p> </p><p>“Take care of yourself, Ken. And… be nice to the staff, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken only nodded.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, can you look at me?” Ken did, mildly surprising Josh with the pink flush on his cheeks. “You’ll be fine without me. You’re strong.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not—”</p><p> </p><p>“You are,” Josh assured him. “I should know.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken look down, trying to stop a wide smile from growing on his face. “And you?”</p><p> </p><p>“Who do you think you’re talking to, kid?” Josh asked. “I’ll be fine, too.”</p><p> </p><p>The idol nodded again. Then, he turned his back towards the door.</p><p> </p><p>Leaving the key to Josh’s apartment on the TV stand, he said, “I guess… I’ll see you sometime.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah. See you sometime.”</p><p> </p><p><em>And I love you, dumbass</em>.</p><p> </p><p>But Ken didn’t need to hear that, and Josh didn’t want to say it out loud.</p><p> </p><p>Without another word exchanged between the two of them, Ken left. Josh went back to packing his things.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <strong>SUBJ: lyrics (draft title: postmidnight thoughts)</strong>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>Hey, I sent you the first two songs in a separate email. This one came a bit late, sorry. Draft title, ‘<em>postmidnight thoughts</em>’. You know I’m lazy at making up titles. But here you go.</p>
  <p>Hope it still makes it to the album or concert.</p>
  <p>Good luck with those, by the way.</p>
  <p>-Josh</p>
  <p>[<span class="u">attachment</span>]</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><hr/><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>1:15AM<br/>To: Boss Josh<br/></strong>Hey, I hope I’m not<br/>bothering you or anything.<br/>My concert is on Saturday.<br/>Will you make it?</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>7:33AM<br/>From: Boss Josh<br/></strong>I don’t think I can make it.<br/>But I know you’ll do well,<br/>eitherway.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>7:34AM<br/>To: Boss Josh<br/></strong>Okay. Thanks.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><hr/><p>
  
</p><p>Blinding. Not the spotlight or the stage, but the man.</p><p> </p><p>He walked to the center stage, a guitar slung across his shoulder. As he stopped right in the middle, three band members emerged from the back. They carried a cello, a guitar, and a keyboard. Just the sight of the ensemble made the fans hold their breath in anticipation. They let out a communal shriek, calling out Ken’s name like their lives depended on it.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Ken</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Ken, marry me</em>!<em> Ken</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>I love you, Ken</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>Extraordinary.</p><p> </p><p>Ken had just finished a song in the last set and it was apparent from the way he wiped his brow that he was tired… but happy. There was an unbidden smile on his face, like he still could not believe that he was just about to sing the last song for his very first concert.</p><p> </p><p>His eyes twinkled with a brightness that was both ecstatic and lonely.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, guys, for staying until now,” he said. His voice echoed throughout the large arena, loud enough for people even at the highest rows to hear him as if he were standing right next to them. “Are you still awake? Still okay for the last song?”</p><p> </p><p>There was a resounding ‘<em>yes</em>’ from the crowd. A cheering followed it as they raised their banners and their blue lightsticks in the air.</p><p> </p><p>“This song is actually a new one, uh…” Ken continued, adjusting the sling of his guitar. “Guess what? I <em>actually </em>wrote this one!”</p><p> </p><p>Screams of ‘<em>I’m proud of you, Ken</em>’ could be heard from the audience and Ken smiled. His projected image on the huge screens showed his boyish grin, but it fell short in capturing just how breathtaking the happiness in his face was.</p><p> </p><p>“A friend actually told me I should try writing songs. And I trust this friend. He couldn’t make it here today because he’s busy but… Yeah. Thanks to him,” he continued with a smile. “I’ve been thinking of a lot of things lately… and somehow, I came up with this song.”</p><p> </p><p>He looked back at his bandmates who had finished setting up. Ken introduced them one by one, starting from the cellist, the keyboardist, and the lead guitarist.</p><p> </p><p>“This song is dedicated to… that person whom you have to let go,” he began. Sadness flashed across his face, but anyone who didn’t know him well enough would miss it. The crowd just screamed in excitement. “This is about the questions that linger. The words that remained unsaid. The feelings left hidden.</p><p> </p><p>“And since this is the last song, this is also dedicated to all of you who will go home tonight. I hope you get home safely. You know I love you all,” he said.</p><p> </p><p>“Unlike my friend, I’m actually decent at making titles,” Ken added, laughing a little. His rare and genuine laughter made the fans squeal. “This one is called, ‘<em>Before You Go</em>’.”</p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><em>Before you go,<br/></em> <em>Was there something I could’ve said to make your heart beat better?<br/></em> <em>If only I’d have known you had a storm to weather<br/></em> <em>So, before you go—</em></p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>Ken cried. He tried to stop the tears, but it was so apparent when his voice broke. From the huge screens, everyone could see the redness around his eyes… the sadness swimming around them.</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He continued anyway.</p><p> </p><p>He was a professional, after all.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><em>So, before you go</em><br/><em>Was there something I could’ve said to make it all stop hurting?<br/></em> <em>It kills me how your mind could make you feel so worthless<br/></em> <em>So, before you go</em></p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>The music hung in the air as the band played the last chord. Goodbyes, apologies, questions, and regrets lingered as the sad song ended.</p><p> </p><p>Ken bowed his head, and the people applauded. He was still looking at the ground while saying his thanks as he shyly waved his hands to the audience.</p><p> </p><p>Josh could see everything from where he stood with the crowd. Ken’s pain, his sadness, his regret. Josh also saw his growth, his strength, his potential.</p><p> </p><p><em>You’ll be okay, Ken</em>, Josh thought to himself.</p><p> </p><p>He walked back deeper into the crowd until he found the exit. Now that he was sure Ken was ready to lead a life without him, he could leave him be.</p><p> </p><p>And then he left without the idol knowing he was there in the first place.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>[end of arc one]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>a three year-interlude: [<a href="https://twitter.com/r4m3nlvr_19/status/1300377859618484225?s=20">read here</a>]</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>songs used in this chapter:<br/>Letting Go by One OK Rock: https://t.co/kdUFA9tQRQ?amp=1<br/>Before You Go by Lewis Capaldi (as performed by Hoppipolla): https://t.co/HUdT3soW5f?amp=1</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. 3AM track one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>you separate. you meet. and then, what?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>shorty short short chapter!</p>
<p>chapter contains: flowers; graduation caps; proud moms; mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>and then, what?</h1>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>picks up from the end of the three-year interlude: [<a href="https://twitter.com/r4m3nlvr_19/status/1300377859618484225?s=20">read here</a></strong>
  <strong>]</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>What now</em>?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Back then, that was the question Ken asked himself the moment he left Josh’s small and bare apartment. What exactly does he do after everything that happened?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They talked, and Josh said that they were good. But did ‘good’ mean they go back to how they were or just go on with their lives like they didn’t know each other? They kissed, and though it took him by surprise, Ken found himself chasing after the wet warmth of Josh’s lips. But was that just him or did Josh feel that, too?</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>What now</em>?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>One thousand days and a lot of thinking later, that was still the question in his mind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Not that he was counting the days.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken kept his distance was he watched the engineer laugh and hug his friends. Josh’s toga fluttered in the dry, humid wind of June. It was too hot to be wearing black, but he and his peers wore it, anyway; complete with the graduation cap that stuck to their foreheads, damp because of the sweat from the sweltering heat of the sun.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Underneath his toga, Josh wore all black, too. His long-sleeved polo was buttoned at the cuffs and tucked into his black slacks that were only snug enough to show his slim legs. He had his hair in a half-bun that peeked through his cap, and his eyes and smile were just as jolly and bright as Ken remembered it to be.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Really, Josh must be a half-vampire. Because at thirty-one, he still looked no older than twenty.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken pulled down his cap, hiding in it even though the large acacia tree he was watching from was enough to protect him from the sun. It was dangerous for him to go out in public because he was an idol. But when he read that Josh was graduating and on the same day he had no schedules, he didn’t hesitate to go.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Maybe he shouldn’t have worn a leopard print top, however… and maybe he should have bought less colorful flowers. He could feel people's lingering stares on him, and he was starting to hear his name being whispered here and there. He may not be doing anything but stand there, but Ken's mere existence called for attention, nonetheless.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was just that Josh was so close… less than a hundred meters from him. He could just stride forward, hand him the bouquet, and then leave with no regrets.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But isn’t that too sudden? Should he have texted Josh that he would be going in the first place?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He looked down.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>What now, genius</em>?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As Ken pondered these things, the engineer walked to a plump but tall middle-aged woman in a billowy red dress. She was sitting on one of the benches outside the gymnasium, her purse and a black backpack beside her. When Josh approached, she pulled him into a big hug and a kissed his cheek before Josh handed her his graduation cap and kissed her back. Then, he did a small jump before joining the small gathering of toga-clad men and women who were posing for photos.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Even from where Ken stood, he could see the fond pride in the woman’s face as she watched the engineer walk away. He had never met her, but he guessed that must be Josh’s mother.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With a nod to himself, Ken adjusted his mask and lowered his cap before walking forward.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hello po,” he greeted the woman.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, hello,” she replied with a twinkle in her eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You are a graduate’s parent, aren’t you, ma’am?” Ken asked.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The woman seemed to scrutinize Ken’s face a bit more. There was a look on her face which said Ken looked familiar to her, but she could not quite remember from where.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yes, that’s my son over there,” and she pointed to the cluster of people who were now busy trying to do jump shots. Josh was there, too, jokingly jumping around with his classmates.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken turned back to Josh’s mother. “You must be very proud of him.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Always have been.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I can see that.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s all he’s talked about ever since he was a kid. Robots this and engineers that.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That does sound like him.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh! Are you friends?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken was taken aback. He just cleared his throat and shyly scratched the back of his head.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Haha, yes… something like that?” he said instead.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken could feel the woman’s keen gaze taking in the details of what she could see from his face. When she scrunched up her forehead, it instantly reminded Ken of the way Josh would knit his own eyebrows whenever he was thinking of something deeply. He smiled beneath his mask.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken cradled the large bouquet of pink, white, and purple flowers in his hand before holding it out to her. “Will it be okay if I give you these?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She laughed, and Ken could immediately see where Josh got his dimply smile from.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That’s very random!” she exclaimed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken laughed, too. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean anything weird by it. I just wanted to congratulate you on your son’s graduation.” He placed the bouquet in her waiting hands and added, “Congratulations po.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Thank you,” she said, confused but smiling anyway. “You’re very kind.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m… <em>not</em>,” he immediately said, shaking his head. “Congratulations again.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken cast one last look at Josh among his friends and whispered his congratulations in the air. Afterward, he pulled his cap lower and stealthily slipped into the sea of people, making an escape to his car.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If, in the future, they meet again under better circumstances, Ken would make sure to talk to him properly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For now, that was enough.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ma, what’s this?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh turns his back on his mom for ten minutes, and already someone is handing her flowers. He knew his mother was beautiful despite her age, but there must be a limit to her charisma, surely?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“If this is another meet-cute—”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His mother laughed in his face, blushing slightly. “Someone gave them to me. I think he meant to give them to you, but you were busy.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“To me?” Josh repeated.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yes. He said he was a friend of yours. Tall, tanned man with deep-set eyes. I didn’t get a name… but he looks familiar…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Huh…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh took the bouquet in his hands and glanced around. He didn’t know what he was looking for—or what he would do if he saw something—but he thought seeing his mystery sender would make the butterflies in his stomach disappear.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After almost three years, Ken probably thinks Josh doesn’t know about the stuff he has been sending, but he does. It wasn’t exactly hard to guess, after the first coffee they received from his ‘Good Samaritan’. Josh only confronted him once; but even then, Ken was ambiguous about what his intentions were… and the engineer was not quite brave enough to ask.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh just wished he would no longer have feelings about these vague surprises the idol does for him. Sure, his reactions have been less intense over time; but they still manage to shake him, anyway.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If they were romantic gestures… Ah, but that was assuming of him.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>A smile was creeping up his face that shouldn’t be there, and his heart fluttered in his chest. He looked at the colorful cluster of flowers in blue wrapping in his hand. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Flashy dumbass,” he whispered under his breath.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He put it closer to his face to smell them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You could have at least said ‘hello’.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>And when Ken says ‘hello’, what then</em>, Josh asked himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After three years, the question lingered.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>What now</em>?</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. 3AM track two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>chapter contains: ken’s life… and then some; mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>a mildly disconcerting set-up (part one)</h1><p>
  
</p><p><em>A selfless love</em>, Ken said in his head. <em>This could be how it feels</em>.</p><p> </p><p>He watched with a blank stare as the love of his life ran into the arms of another man; a man who was his close friend and confidant. Ken was happy for them. It had taken them forever to find their way to each other, after all. But where did that leave him? What does he do when someone he loves deeply has already found happiness with another?</p><p> </p><p>Ken’s vacant stare shifted into a rueful smile.</p><p> </p><p>He leaves, he guessed. If someone he loves is happier without him, then he should step out of the way and give them the happiness they deserve. Isn’t that what it means to be selfless?</p><p> </p><p>He took a step back. Gave the couple a lovely smile. Took another step. He slowly turned his back and started to walk away.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe if he learned this feeling earlier, it would have saved him a lot of heartaches. Then again, if everything he experienced so far didn’t happen, he wouldn’t have a deeper appreciation of the people around him… and the people he used to have.</p><p> </p><p>Ken could only close his eyes and smile.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Cut</em>!” said a loud voice through the megaphone.</p><p> </p><p>As soon as Ken registered the scratchy voice, he stopped walking and turned back around to the tent where the directors were watching the images through a screen. The crew and staff around them began to move from their posts, setting everything back up to do a re-take.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, Ken. Let’s try that again but with a closeup on your expression this time,” said the assistant director who walked up to him.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, direk,” he replied.</p><p> </p><p>“Your face is okay, but maybe hold back from the intensity in the eyes a bit? Softer. You’re letting go, but happily.”</p><p> </p><p><em>Yeah, I know what that’s like</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“Got it.”</p><p> </p><p>The woman nodded and yelled again, waving her hand in circles. “Alright, let’s do a closeup on Ken this time! Cameras on stand-by!”</p><p> </p><p>Shooting MVs had always been fun for Ken. Sure, production is always a taxing and lengthy process, but no amount of fatigue compared to the feeling of seeing the finished product. Hearing about the viewers’ comments and insights about their work was rewarding enough to make Ken forget about the harsh process. So, even though he had been shooting since the night prior, he gladly followed the directors’ instructions to get each shot perfectly.</p><p> </p><p>When he had finished his scenes, he was ushered to his chair under the tent. From there, he watched his co-actors do their re-takes near the university’s classrooms.</p><p> </p><p>Ken paused to admire how the empty campus grounds had a mysterious and almost magical glow in the early morning sunlight. The spotless grounds and empty buildings gave him a vague feeling of nostalgia, like an old friend he was meeting again after a long time. It was the university where he previously studied, after all. The same university he had visited but a week ago.</p><p> </p><p>“You know you’ve gotten old when you can already reminisce about a distant past,” said someone who held up a warm cup of coffee in front of him.</p><p> </p><p>Ken looked up at Sejun, who sat beside him while looking at some documents from the production team. Ken chuckled but gladly took the cup and brought it to his cold lips. The drink was too bitter for his tastes, but it warmed his stomach, nonetheless.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not old,” Ken retorted, “and even if I <em>am </em>reminiscing, I don’t see how that’s an issue?”</p><p> </p><p>Sejun hummed. “You’re right. I guess I was just curious what’s going on in your head right now.”</p><p> </p><p>“Work, work, work… More work.”</p><p> </p><p>“And Josh?”</p><p> </p><p>The name came out so naturally, it was as if they were talking about him in the first place.</p><p> </p><p>“He graduated last week,” Ken told him, his eyes looking into the direction of the gymnasium.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s not what I’m asking, though.”</p><p> </p><p>“Then what about him?”</p><p> </p><p>“Have you two talked yet?”</p><p> </p><p>If Ken had this conversation with Sejun in the past, he would likely answer, ‘What would we talk about?’ He would deny with everything he had that they weren’t as okay as he would have liked, that their current relationship was making him feel uneasy and that it was eating him up.</p><p> </p><p>But Ken had three years to mature. He had three years to mull things over and acknowledge parts of him that were much easier to ignore. Like the fact that he missed Josh. So damned much it hurt to even think about him.</p><p> </p><p>When Ken didn’t reply, Sejun said, “I am honestly surprised you didn’t just throw a tantrum at his doorstep and demand him to take you back.”</p><p> </p><p>“What, am I a <em>dog</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>“Wasn’t that how you used to do it back then?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken shrugged. “Yeah, well… Not anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>“Look at you, all grown up!” Sejun teased him, bumping him by the shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>“Sejun, shut up, and do your job.”</p><p> </p><p>Sejun ignored him. “So, what if you met him right now? Like, what if you see him the moment you drive out of the campus?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think the labs are open at five in the morning, Sej.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, but <em>what if</em>?”</p><p> </p><p><em>What then</em>?</p><p> </p><p>“I dunno… I’ll try to find the right timing to talk to him, I guess,” Ken said in honesty. “I’ll think about that <em>if </em>it happens.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, if you’re waiting for timing, Ken, it will only act in behalf of those who move.”</p><p> </p><p>Then, Sejun gave Ken a firm tap on the shoulder and stood up.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, right now I have to get a move on with the shoot more than anything else,” he chuckled and then finished his coffee. “Can I go ahead to the studio so I can get my hair and makeup done?”</p><p> </p><p>“Take Jade with you,” Sejun said, nodding. “I mean, I know you prefer going around alone, but she’s still your manager.”</p><p> </p><p>“Alright, alright,” he relented. “We’ll go now, then.”</p><p> </p><p>“And Ken?” the producer followed.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p> </p><p>“This MV…”</p><p> </p><p>Ken gave him a reassuring smile. “It’ll be the best one yet.”</p><p> </p><p>With those words, Ken turned on his heel, collected his manager, and made his way to the studio.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“That’s a wrap!”</p><p> </p><p>When the director shouted that, there was loud applause all around the studio which Ken joined in on. It had been a grueling thirty-hour shoot, but seeing the satisfaction in everyone’s faces showed they were halfway from producing a work of art. In a few weeks, a new MV will be born.</p><p> </p><p>Ken heaved a relieved sigh. He shook everyone’s hands as they approached him and thanked everyone for their hard work. He was tired but gratified. It was one of those moments when he could not possibly want anything more in the world.</p><p> </p><p>Well, nothing except a few hours of sleep and maybe…</p><p> </p><p>“Ken, did you bring your costume bag from the university?” came Jade’s question. Ken’s manager walked up to him while busily typing on her phone as she usually does, but with fatigue showing through her strict exterior.</p><p> </p><p>“Costume bag?” he asked. “No, I think the crew brought it with them.”</p><p> </p><p>“They didn’t. They only brought the equipment. I told you to bring it back with you, didn’t I?”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Argh</em>, don’t tell me!”</p><p> </p><p>Jade waved her phone in her hand. “The Security Office from the university got in touch with the team and said that someone left a suitcase with your name on it.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken winced. “My bad. I didn’t think to bring it with me. Sorry, Jade.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay,” Jade said, sighing. Over the years, she had gotten used to Ken’s tendency to overlook non-music-related tasks. “We should go pick it up now so we can take it back to the company.”</p><p> </p><p>“Nah, I’ll do it. You should go home,” Ken offered.</p><p> </p><p>“But shouldn’t I—”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay. It was my fault it got left behind, anyway. You should go home to your husband and kids.”</p><p> </p><p>She gave him a motherly smile. “Well, if you’re sure. But you rest, too, okay? You’re free until the evening.”</p><p> </p><p>“Got it.” Ken gave her an ‘okay’ sign, agreeing wholeheartedly that he needed rest… and a hot bath.</p><p> </p><p>After making sure that he had thanked and said goodbye to everyone, Ken trudged to his Altis in the basement parking lot. Hopefully, once he collects this bag, he would be able to end his thirty-hour day… <em>finally</em>.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p><em>Sleep</em>.<em> I want to sleep</em>, Ken thought and rubbed his eyes. He secured the black molded suitcase in the back seat, adjusted his seatbelt, and took a deep breath before starting to drive out of the campus. It was already half-past three AM when Ken retrieved his bag from the Security Office. By then, he could barely keep his eyes open.</p><p> </p><p>The campus was much eerier in the dark than it was at daybreak. A spooky ginger glow from the lamplights bathed the asphalt, making it seem like Ken was in a scene from a horror movie. Beyond where the light could reach it was pitch black, and if he were easily scared he might have driven out panicking.</p><p> </p><p>As Ken drove slowly and with sleepy amusement, he passed by a seven-floor structure painted in cream and red, with large rectangular windows lining its walls from top to bottom. The Engineering Research Center had always been one of the school’s more premier research laboratories. Ken knew people held it in high regard and clamored for a chance to work in it. Projects there were well-funded, and just being able to write it down on a resumé was sure to impress employers.</p><p> </p><p>That was why Ken couldn’t help but feel the slight sense of pride from knowing that Josh had graduated as an assistant there. He didn’t doubt Josh had a bright future in engineering ahead of him. It was only a matter of what he would do from now on.</p><p> </p><p>Would Josh still be working there now that he graduated? Or will he move and seek employment elsewhere? Will he make the robots he had always wanted to make? Will he try making new things?</p><p> </p><p>Ken suddenly missed the time when he could still ask him questions without hesitation.</p><p> </p><p>Knowing there was nothing to do about it, Ken just watched the building from his rear-view mirror and continued his lonesome drive. He had not gone fifty meters yet when Ken caught sight of a figure walking slowly on the sidewalk ahead of him. The man was hunched with his head bowed, carrying a case in one hand and a huge bag on his back.</p><p> </p><p>Ken could see the exhaustion just from the way the man walked. It must have been a rough day for him, too. The dragged his feet as he walked at a creepy pace like he was just forcing himself to take one step after another. But he still managed to look good with his jet black hair which fell like a curtain over his bushy brows, large eyes… plump lips…</p><p> </p><p>“Wait…” Ken gasped aloud just as he drove past the man.</p><p> </p><p>Ken only realized he had pulled over when the man flinched, stopping in his steps and looking at the car in surprise.</p><p> </p><p>From his side mirror, Ken stared. It had been a while since he saw those eyes. Even though it was dark, he could see the familiar chocolate hues glint with curiosity and inquisitiveness.</p><p> </p><p>Josh blinked, waiting nervously.</p><p> </p><p><em>Oh, shit</em>, Ken thought. He was so caught up in seeing Josh again after a long time that he forgot he didn’t exactly know what to say yet. Feeling the panic rise to his chest, Ken drove the car in reverse and stopped right beside Josh. He rolled down his window.</p><p> </p><p>“Erm, he-hey…” he began in what he hoped was a confident tone.</p><p> </p><p>“What the hell—<em>Ken</em>?” said Josh in a voice that broke. He leaned in closer to see better, and then a surprised smile made its way to his face. “Geez, you scared me!”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Ken said again.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Josh replied, chuckling.</p><p> </p><p>“He—Long time no see!” he greeted.</p><p> </p><p>Josh nodded slightly. “Yeah… What… What are you doing here at three in the morning?”</p><p> </p><p>“I could ask you the same thing?”</p><p> </p><p>“I was… running some test that only finished now. I’m on my way home. You?”</p><p> </p><p>“Forgot something,” Ken replied, pointing his thumb at the backseat.</p><p> </p><p>They went back to staring awkwardly at anywhere but each other’s eyes. The conversation died.</p><p> </p><p><em>What now</em>?</p><p> </p><p>Just one look told Ken they were both waiting for the other to speak first. In a way, Ken was glad to know that even if years have passed, he and Josh still had a deep connection beyond spoken words. The thought made the annoying, clumsy, and uncomfortable silence almost bearable.</p><p> </p><p>But that didn’t mean Ken was satisfied with it.</p><p> </p><p>“Come on, get in. Let me give you a ride home,” Ken offered when he decided the silence was too much for him.</p><p> </p><p>Josh blinked quickly. “Ah, nah. I’ll walk. I live close by.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know. But it’s dark. Let me take you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Erm… you don’t have to. It’s really no big deal.”</p><p> </p><p>“Josh, stop acting like a stranger,” Ken teased with a smile. “Just get in.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh bit his lower lip. Ken knew it was his unconscious habit whenever he tries to stop himself from saying something.</p><p> </p><p>That was also a look which told Ken he was going to say ‘yes’.</p><p> </p><p>Josh scratched the back of his head before walking around the car. He got into the passenger seat, putting his bag and his toolbox in the back seat, and buckled his seatbelt.</p><p> </p><p>Another awkward silence followed.</p><p> </p><p>Ken had imagined what it would be like when he would meet Josh again. Their current situation was every bit as uncomfortable as he imagined it to be. Three years thinking and maturing was still not enough time to prepare him for Josh being inches away, reminding Ken of his regrets for the past few years.</p><p> </p><p>Robbed of his words, Ken's mind was filled with nothing but the sound of his internal screaming.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh… Are you going to start driving or…?” came Josh’s tentative statement.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh. Right.” Ken stepped on the pedal and slowly drove forward. “Uhm, I see you still have the toolbox.”</p><p> </p><p>Instant regret at the stupid introductory statement.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah. It's a good toolbox,” said Josh, his voice trailing off.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh… Where do you live now?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh gave Ken the address to his new apartment, and Ken nodded in response.</p><p> </p><p>That was the last thing they said before a long silence came between them again. Ken drove the car in the direction of Josh’s new address, while Josh just leaned back on the headrest.</p><p> </p><p>Neither of them spoke.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. 3AM track three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Josh finds their set-up mildly disconcerting, but he's not the one who does something about it.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I started working again… like a real job, this time. So yeah, that’s been taking a lot of my time. And I’ve also hit a huge writer’s block. I crunched this one and I’m not sure how well it came out. anyway, here you go. </p><p>chapter contains: a sudden change of pace; mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>a mildly disconcerting set-up (part two)</h1><p>
  
</p><p>Josh was not having a good day.</p><p> </p><p>First, he woke up late and got to the lab an hour later than usual. Next, he burned his tongue from the coffee he bought, and he could still feel the sting in his mouth. Third, there were bugs in the codes Justin made for their project, and Josh had to go over every line and command just to correct them. And then, just when he looked like a homeless person who had not bathed in days, the universe delivers the final blow by sending him the glorious Ken Suson, who looked like he came straight out of a magazine.</p><p> </p><p>Josh wondered who he offended in his past life to deserve such a punishment. He questioned why he was sitting next to Ken on the same day he barely looked human.</p><p> </p><p>It was a little consolation that Ken was quiet as he drove them past the university gates. If Josh were being honest, the awkwardness was preferable to having a tense conversation, especially since neither of them knew how to converse in person. Face-to-face, neither of them could hide. Neither of them could be honest, either.</p><p> </p><p>Josh let out a breath as silently as he could, waiting until his half a brain could think of something decent to say. But the moment he leaned back on the headrest, the familiar scent of Ken’s perfume filled him, making him relax and drowsy.</p><p> </p><p>He closed his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>He slept.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>When Josh came around, it was because his nose felt cold and his neck was stiff. He opened his eyes and blinked once. He blinked a few more times to clear his bleary vision. The first thing he saw was a gray-colored ceiling that was certainly not his room.</p><p> </p><p>It didn't take long for Josh to realize that he was still in Ken’s car. Sometime in the ride, his seat had been reclined so he was lying down on it. How long had he been like that? Looking at the peaceful palette of pastel sky, Josh guessed it might have been a while.</p><p> </p><p>He sat up bit by bit, mindful of his aching back. He flinched when he felt something brush against his hand.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh…” he heard Ken say. Ken had barely touched his palm when he drew his hand back and gripped the steering wheel.</p><p> </p><p>Josh stared at him, mind not quite awake yet to process his surprise. “What were you doing?”</p><p> </p><p>“I was… going to adjust the seat…”</p><p> </p><p>Josh didn’t believe that, but he let it pass. “Erm… How long was I asleep for?”</p><p> </p><p>“About… an hour? More than.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>An hour</em>?! Holy shit!” Josh cursed. His watch told him that it was a little bit past five in the morning. “Why didn’t you just wake me up?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken just gave him a mocking smile. “I tried. But you were totally knocked out.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh winced at the brightness of the smile Ken flashed at him. The idol’s deceitfully angelic face hit him like the first rays of sunrise—bright, blinding, and beautiful—and Josh’s breath got stuck in his throat.</p><p> </p><p>It was too beautiful to stare at first thing in the morning, and Josh looked away, rubbing his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“You look tired,” Ken noted, a hint of teasing in his undertone.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Very</em>,” Josh retorted. “I had… a long day.”</p><p> </p><p>“I can relate.”</p><p> </p><p>“Schedules?”</p><p> </p><p>“Shoot.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh! MV?” Ken nodded. “That’s great!”</p><p> </p><p>He gave Ken a smile of his own, not bothering to hide his pride. Ken just replied with a bashful grin, and Josh let himself look at his face for a few more seconds.</p><p> </p><p>Josh was the first to speak when he realized they had been staring and grinning at each other like idiots.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh… I should… go.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh—” Ken began. “Already?”</p><p> </p><p>“Uhm, yeah,” Josh replied. “I kind of… need sleep. I have to get back to the lab at noon.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh… Okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why? What’s up?”</p><p> </p><p>“I was… kind of thinking we should grab like… breakfast or some coffee.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh gave Ken a wide-eyed stare. His alarm bells were ringing again, like an imaginary siren wailing at the back of his head.</p><p> </p><p>Ken had always been clingy, especially around him, but Ken’s recent behavior had been disconcerting, to say the least. Josh didn’t know what to think of his painfully sweet advances which lay between the province of intimately platonic and vaguely romantic. From sending him messages to the semi-regular coffee treats and the flowers during his graduation, Ken was making it hard for Josh not to start assuming things.</p><p> </p><p>Was he being intentionally romantic? Was he just being nice? Josh wanted to ask Ken so he could put his anxious mind to rest. Unfortunately, he did not have the guts to ask.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh… I think I’ll pass,” Josh told him. “Sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken hid his dissatisfaction in a split second and donned a confident smile. “It’s fine. You should rest.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks for the ride, though.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, no problem.”</p><p> </p><p>“Uh… I’ll just… go.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sure.”</p><p> </p><p>Another awkward pause was beginning again, but Josh didn’t stand by for it anymore. Grabbing his backpack and the black molded case in the back seat, he hurriedly opened the car door and sprinted up the stairs to his unit. Ken’s car stayed in the narrow alley until Josh reached his door on the third floor. As soon as he got there, the car drove off, disappearing in the distance like it wasn't there in the first place.</p><p> </p><p>A lot was going on in Josh’s mind. He wanted to process it all, but his sleep-deprived brain was making it hard to function. He had a rough day, he decided, so Josh stomped to his room, collapsed on the bed, and fell asleep within minutes.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Uh-oh. Someone did <em>not</em> wake up on the right side of the bed.”</p><p> </p><p>“Good afternoon to you, too, Jah.”</p><p> </p><p>“You look like a mess!”</p><p> </p><p>“I was in a hurry, alright?”</p><p> </p><p>“Obviously, since you’re still holding a half-eaten sandwich.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh didn’t notice the bread in his hand until Justin pointed it out. He had woken up late again, and he hurried to get everything done before running back to campus. But even in his haste, he was late, and it stressed him even more.</p><p> </p><p>He took a big bite of his brunch and put his bag in his locker.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t ask. I don’t plan on telling you.”</p><p> </p><p>“I wasn’t going to,” Justin told him. “I was going to tell you that I revised the codes you wrote.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thank God. Those gave me a headache,” Josh said while grabbing his stuff.</p><p> </p><p>At least, that was what he wanted to do. He soon realized that what he had in his hand was not his trusty toolbox, nor was it his.</p><p> </p><p>The suitcase in his hand bore a striking resemblance to his toolbox. Anyone who was hurrying to get out of a car and an awkward situation was sure to mistake one for the other. But what he had with him was a smaller, lighter, sleeker case, and even had a <em>fucking</em> nametag dangling from the lock which read, “<em>Ken</em>, <em>ZPHEnt</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“What the shit?”</p><p> </p><p>Did Josh sink an entire island in his past life? Probably. Why else would the universe tease him so much?</p><p> </p><p>He let out a loud groan that made his eight labmates stare at him in worry.</p><p> </p><p>“You okay, Kuya Josh?” asked one of the research assistants.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m—” he just chuckled, feeling pity for himself. “I need to make a call.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh hurried to their small pantry and locked the door behind him. He counted backward from ten, promising he would forgive his idiocy once he got to one. When he was calmer, he took out his phone and dialed.</p><p> </p><p>Ken picked up after several rings.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey. Uh… This is Josh.”</p><p> </p><p><em>Stupid, why are you introducing yourself</em>?</p><p> </p><p>Ken groaned on the other line. “Hm?”</p><p> </p><p>“Uh… did I wake you?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken half-groaned, half-hummed.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry about that.”</p><p> </p><p>“‘S fine,” he mumbled. Judging by the bedroom voice, Josh could tell he was still half-asleep. “What d’you want?”</p><p> </p><p>“Earlier, uh… I accidentally grabbed your suitcase instead of my toolbox which… I think I left in you car.”</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah…” came Josh’s drawl. “Do you have it?”</p><p> </p><p>“Probably…”</p><p> </p><p>“Uhm… I’d… really appreciate it if you can meet me somewhere to trade these things.”</p><p> </p><p>“Mm… Okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you free?”</p><p> </p><p>“Have a schedule… at seven,” he said. And Ken yawned a massive yawn that Josh thought was a little adorable. “You at your apartment?”</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, no. I’m at the lab.”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you need it right now?” he asked, sounding more awake.</p><p> </p><p>“Not particularly…” Josh said. "We have spare tools, so. But I'll need it, still."</p><p> </p><p>“Will you be working late again?”</p><p> </p><p>“A little. I can come by and pick it up later. Like, much later. I don’t know how long I’ll be staying here for. Uh, I don’t wanna… bother you, either.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll just take it to you. But I’ll be a little late, too. Maybe twelve or one?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh shrugged. “I’ll probably still be here by then. Er, you sure it’s not a bother?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay,” Ken grunted, and there was a sound of sheets shuffling in the background. He was probably going back to sleep. “I’ll see you later.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh knew he was probably assuming things, but it sounded like Ken was smiling just then.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah… See you.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The trouble with Josh looking forward to something is he becomes hyper-aware of the time. He called Ken at two in the afternoon, and since then, he had been checking his phone every five minutes for the idol’s message. He knew he shouldn’t wait on it, but since they met again a few hours ago, it felt like he was craving for Ken’s presence. It was like relapsing from being sober for a long time. He had to admit that a part of him was still a little attached to the man.</p><p> </p><p>Hours trickled by, as if mocking Josh in his waiting agony. The engineer tried to focus on his projects, but he was so distracted he kept making the same mistakes over and over. Progress had been slow, and by one in the morning, Josh was frustratedly taking his robot apart and putting it back together.</p><p> </p><p>He needed coffee… something stronger than the ones they brew in the pantry.</p><p> </p><p>Josh was debating whether he should buy something from the coffee shop across the university when his phone buzzed with a text message from Ken.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>1:48AM<br/>From: Suson, K.<br/></strong>Here. Are you still working?</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>His companions in the lab were too busy working on their projects to notice him fidget in his workstation. Josh gave them one sweeping glance before taking three steps back. With the stealth of a cat, he slipped out, carrying the mistaken black case with him and dashing down seven flights of stairs. When he reached the ground floor, he could already see Ken’s car parked in front of their building, and Josh wondered why just seeing it made him a little more nervous.</p><p> </p><p>He shook off his own nerves and sprinted to the car, knocking on the driver’s window.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, sorry to make you come all the way here,” was his greeting as soon as the tinted window rolled down. Ken’s face greeted him like a brand-new day.</p><p> </p><p>The idol flashed him a smile. “You should really stop apologizing. It’s a bad habit.”</p><p> </p><p>“Er… sorry.” Josh passed the case over to him. “Here you go.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks. And—” Ken reached to the back seat and retrieved the toolbox. He smiled as he examined it in his hands for a little while. “You’ve kept it in good condition.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well… it’s an expensive gift, so…”</p><p> </p><p>The idol laughed. He handed it to Josh, and with a hopeful tone, asked, “You’ve already eaten dinner, right?”</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, yeah. Why?”</p><p> </p><p>“I, erm…” Ken reached behind his seat and pulled out a take-out cup from the passenger seat. As soon as he held it up to Josh through the window, the rich aroma of strong, black coffee wafted in his direction. “I thought you might need this.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh took the cup in his free hand. He mumbled, “Woah, wait. How’d you know?”</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s just say I had a hunch.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh cocked his eyebrow.</p><p> </p><p>“Or… you know… I know you need caffeine to function after 11PM.”</p><p> </p><p>He chuckled at that. Josh’s caffeine dependence at specific times of the day was something Ken had pointed out to him a long time ago when he was still the lyricist. That he remembered made Josh warm inside, even if he had not drunk from the coffee yet.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah… well…” Josh brought the cup to his lips, tilted it and sipped from the bittersweet liquid inside. For reasons unknown to him, he did this with his eyes not leaving Ken’s captivating gaze.</p><p> </p><p>Josh would have wanted to keep staring at him, keep that honest and intimate moment for a little longer, but soon the embarrassment overtook them. He almost choked.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, yeah… I should be getting back.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken nodded, seeming unsure. “Y-Yeah, you… uhm…”</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks for the coffee and the, uh… toolbox.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken nodded again, both hands gripping the steering wheel as he stared straight forward.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah… I’ll go now.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh hastily turned and started walking away from the uncomfortable situation. He had only walked a few steps when he heard the car door slam shut and Ken was calling his name in a booming voice.</p><p> </p><p>“Josh, hold up!”</p><p> </p><p>The engineer turned slowly, careful of the coffee that was still half-full in his hand.</p><p> </p><p>“Listen…” Ken started as he began to walk briskly toward him. “We… we’re good, right?”</p><p> </p><p>“Goo—<em>yeah</em>. I mean. Why aren’t we? Of course, we are.”</p><p> </p><p>Lies. Lies. Nothing but lies.</p><p> </p><p>“And we’re…” Ken winced, “… still friends, right?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh was sure his smile was only half-genuine, but he smiled anyway. “Yeah…”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay…” the idol nodded. “Okay… Cool.”</p><p> </p><p>He started to walk back, dragging both feet like they were made of lead. Josh watched with an amused expression as Ken seemed to debate whether to step forward or step back. Josh just turned his back and made his own way.</p><p> </p><p>But then, Ken gave a loud and frustrated scream, “<em>Aaaargh</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>“What the heck?!”</p><p> </p><p>As Josh spun around, Ken was already stomping towards him, eyebrows furrowed, and lips pressed together in a thin line.</p><p> </p><p>“I take it back…!” he growled, annoyance apparent in his face.</p><p> </p><p>“Take what back?” Josh replied, and he pulled his coffee a little further away from Ken.</p><p> </p><p>“I can’t take this. I can’t—<em>nah</em>, I’m not okay with this.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh just looked at him, wondering if he finally bust a vein in his head.</p><p> </p><p>“Look, you and I…” he began. “We <em>suck</em> at this.”</p><p> </p><p>“At what?”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>This</em>…! This is <em>annoying</em>!” he said, motioning to the space between them. “We’ve had three years to prove that we are <em>not </em>okay like this.”</p><p> </p><p>“Like… what…?”</p><p> </p><p>“Friends,” Ken said. Then, with conviction, he added, “<em>with feelings</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh knew the conversation would be taking that route, but why did it still shake him?</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, alright? I don’t know how you did it, but I can’t… I can’t do this. I can’t be patient like a goddamn saint, like you. And I’m not selfless, in <em>any </em>way. Also, I’m not a martyr, so forget it. I’m stopping this. <em>Right now</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh didn’t reply but grit his teeth and braced himself.</p><p> </p><p>Ken grabbed both his arms, and said, “Go out with me.”</p><p> </p><p>Silence ensued again.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>to be completely honest, i have no clue what i’m writing anymore. hahaha, i’m sorry my babies, engineer and idol. it hasn’t been a great month.</p><p>anyway, hope you enjoyed it, either way.<br/>STAN SB19!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. 3AM track four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>‘a pretty good bad idea’ is a line from sara bareilles’ song in the waitress musical. please listen to it. it’s great!</p>
<p>chapter contains: mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>a pretty good bad idea</h1>
<p> </p>
<p>“Go out with me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Just saying those words lifted half of Ken’s stresses from his shoulders. He had been carrying the burden of words unsaid for three years, weighed down by his own regrets. Being able to say those few words was liberating. And even though the way Josh stared wide-eyed at him made him a little anxious, he knew it was the good kind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After all, diving headfirst into the unknown is always scary. Especially after three years of running around in circles.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Still carrying the cup of coffee and the toolbox in his hands, Josh looked down to stare at the ground. He was thinking about something. Ken could almost see the thoughts run in his head one after another in quick succession. He breathed in deeply, and Ken released the grip on his arms.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh raised his head with a serious expression.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Not what he expected.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>What</em>?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>No</em>.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Wait, I don’t get it,” he said. “Give me one good reason why not!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh scoffed. “Give me one good reason why!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You like me. I like you. We’re fucking awkward as friends, so why can’t we try and see if we work out better as lovers?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s not that simple, dork,” the man replied. If his hands were free, Ken knew he would have put them on his hips to make his point. “If it were, everyone who liked everyone would be dating.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So tell me why <em>not</em>?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay, one: you are a serial dater—”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, that’s totally unfair and based on outdated information!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“—and who’s too wrapped up with work to maintain a romantic relationship.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Now, I feel like you’re just judging me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh shrugged. “I’m just stating facts.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m capable of maintaining work-life balance! I spent a lot of time with you in the five years I’ve been working!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That doesn’t count as a romantic relationship.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But it’s a relationship!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“The dynamic is different!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why are you so stubborn about this?” Ken asked. “I thought you said you liked me. You even kissed me. <em>Twice</em>!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh almost lunged at him for saying what he did out loud. He frantically looked around, saw no one, and turned back to glare at Ken. If it were brighter, Ken would have wanted to see the blush on his cheeks better.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh looked like he wanted to strangle him, and at that point, Ken was grateful Josh’s hands were full.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You are—<em>ugh</em>!” he started. “Okay, let’s say that I still like you—”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And you still <em>do</em>.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Let’s say, <em>hypothetically</em>, that I still like you,” Josh corrected. “I still wouldn’t date you, okay?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why not?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ken, I know you,” he said, emphasizing every word. “I know your tendency to… be fickle. You love the challenge of winning someone over, but once you have them, you get bored and move on to the next challenge. Wasn’t that why you <em>never </em>had a successful relationship in the time I’ve known you?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You just repeated ‘serial dater’ but with more words.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Because I think you needed to hear it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Now, you’re just being biased.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I was putting things in perspective.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You were putting me in a box.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken couldn’t hide the twinge of pain when he said that statement. He knew Josh heard it too, seeing how his patronizing gaze fell and guilt marred his handsome features.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But Ken knew that those concerns were valid. After all, Josh was the one who saw each failed attempt Ken had made at the romance he had no faith in. He was the one who saw Ken hop, skip, and jump from one woman to another because he kept thinking, ‘maybe it’s here.’ Of course, it never was. He never really found it. Maybe because he was not seriously looking at the time. Or he was, but at the wrong place and always in the wrong direction.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Maybe, and it took him a while to see it, he was busy looking for something he did not know he already had all along.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They stared at each other again, secretly apologizing and forgiving with the way they exchanged glances. It only lasted a few seconds, but it felt like hours and a million conversations to them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re scared,” Ken said with certainty.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh would never admit that. He gave no response.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I get it,” Ken said, shrugging. “True, I was that guy. Part of me probably still is. I get why you’re hesitant—although, to be honest, I think there’s something more you’re not telling me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh looked away, keeping his face emotionless.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But… if your problem is that I’m capricious,” he said, “then let me prove you wrong.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And if I say, ‘no’?” Josh looked at him, cocking one eyebrow.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken shoved his hands in his pockets. “I don’t care. You have no obligation to reciprocate. But now that I’ve been honest about how I felt, I want to be honest with how I act, too.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And you say <em>I’m </em>stubborn,” Josh mumbled.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken just gave him a teasing smile. “I guess we’ll see which one of us is more so.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh smirked.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I like you,” Ken said. “And from here on, I’m going to show you just how much.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A small regretful smile, barely noticeable, made its way to Josh’s face. Ken could not tell what it meant. Before he could ask, Josh bit it back, shook his head, then resumed his deadpan. He said nothing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, I’ve said my piece,” Ken said, giving him shooing motions. “You should go. I don’t wanna keep you from your robots, Mr. Engineer with a master’s degree.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh raised the lukewarm coffee in his hand, waving Ken goodbye. “Drive safe.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Always.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken jogged back to his car and sat there watching Josh make his way back to the building. As he</p>
<p>watched the engineer’s silhouette through the tinted glass wall that hid the stairs, he could not help the toothy grin that made its way to his face. He slumped into his seat, letting the butterflies in his stomach fly freely, and he melted into his relief.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Peace accompanied the feeling of bliss that wormed its way to his chest. Not only did he feel lighter, he also felt freer than he has in a long time. Sure, he had no actual plans of how he was going to win Josh over. He decided he would figure out the how’s and the maybe’s later. For the moment, he savored the fuzzy feeling that made him feel like a new man.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>It was like being excited to write a new song but then not knowing what to write once the paper and pen were out. Ken felt so eager about his new ‘relationship’ with Josh, but the moment he woke up he realized he did not have any idea what to do.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He remembered the way Josh looked conflicted when he confessed. The tug of war between delight and fear could be seen on his face, but Ken knew it lay deeper than that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Part of Josh was probably doubting whether Ken was being genuine. And how could he not? Ken has never been in too deep for anyone. He does not know the first thing about being in love. He does not know what seriously dating someone meant. In the past, Ken would just sleep around with people—all women—and move on. But he didn’t think that would work on Josh. Not that he wanted to do it that way, either.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Overall, Ken felt like a loser. He even had the guts to say, “I’m going to show you just how much” but not having the plans to back it up. How better was he now than a dog who was all bark and no bite?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What a bad idea. He should have planned his next move. Now, he was regretting being so impulsive.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“—your schedules. We’re almost finished with the preliminary preparations for your concert, so you’ll have rehearsals—”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And there was this new problem. He could not get Josh out of his head. It was worse than how it had been before. Was that normal?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Before, when they were still estranged and awkward, Josh occupied much of his headspace, but he could still function. Now, it was like someone in his head kept projecting a movie in his head: a movie that starred the raven-haired engineer. It was not annoying as much as it was distracting. But if it becomes a problem, how does he deal with work?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“—and once we release the MV, we’ll hold a press conference to announce the concert tour details.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He glanced at the wall clock at the very front of the room and saw that it was a little bit past one. Josh would probably be at the university. Ken wondered if he has had his coffee. His caffeine cravings usually came at two in the afternoon and eleven in the evening. Maybe Ken should order for him and his labmates again?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ken, are you listening?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, God. Do I have to repeat everything I just said?” Jade groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and index finger.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They were at the small meeting room at the company. Jade had just gotten out of the regular staff meeting and was giving Ken the run-down of what his projects would be for the remainder of the quarter. Barring the ongoing offers and last-minute invitations, it was probably the usual: rehearsals, meetings, interviews. And there was his upcoming MV release and the planned concert tour, too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken slowly met Jade’s eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, Jade,” he began. “Your husband was your friend before you started dating, right?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jade’s bronze skin turned a shade darker as she blushed. “You are such a weird young man.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He was, wasn’t he?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yes. And?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“How did he ask you out?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You want to talk about that instead of work?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Interviews, rehearsals, MV release, press conference, and then something about the concert,” Ken prattled. “Was he smooth about it or did he just come up to your face and ask you to date him?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jade gave him an open-mouthed look of disbelief. “What is going on with you?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken craned his neck back, resting it against the swivel chair. “Ugh, I bet he was all sweet and nice about it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ken,” Jade called in a concerned voice. “Are you thinking about dating someone?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken blinked up at the ceiling but did not reply to her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Is this why you’ve been jittery about the MV?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s not.” Ken sat upright.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You know how I appreciate honesty, Ken,” she said. “I’m your manager. Let me know if these are things that I need to prepare for.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken remained silent.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ken, let me do my job.” He gave her a scrutinizing look. “Please trust me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh, I’m… There’s someone…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She sighed, already looking stressed. “Oh, Ken… You know how hard it will be for you to date normally.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I know that. But… I can handle it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I know you can. It’s just… this person. It will be hard for them, too,” Jade explained. “Not everyone handles the spotlight as well as you do, Ken.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken just looked away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Are you serious about her?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jade gave him a soft smile, the kind that Ken thought mothers would give their sons. The kind where he knew she had questions and doubts, but she would try to lend him a hand anyway. Jade had always been supportive, the most well-meaning among all the managers Ken has had the displeasure of working with. That was why he felt he could be honest with her no matter what, and she would be on his side.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s a ‘him’.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh!” Jade said with a quiet surprise. “I didn’t—so the MV—wait, did you tell the President?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Not yet,” he said. “I don’t really have any idea how… I… didn’t think things through, did I?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“When have you ever?” she laughed nervously. “Now I know why all your previous managers left.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But that’s how I got stuck with you!” he said cheekily. Jade always got him out of tight spots and scary situations. She was dependable like that, and Ken could always go crazy in his artistry knowing she would back him up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He paused.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He had another bad idea.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A pretty good bad idea.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He leaned across the table to her, giving her an imploring look.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Jade… I need your help.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>3:15AM<br/>From: Manager<br/></strong>Scheduled meeting with<br/>President on Thursday @<br/>7am. Don’t be late.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p>Ken breathed out. So far, step one of his plans was coming along well. It might get difficult as things pan out, and he was certainly a little anxious about what he was doing, but he knew it would be worth it. If it works.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He drummed his hand on the steering wheel, his eyes trained forward. It was still dark and eerie outside where he could see from the driver’s seat. Three in the morning was not really a time people preferred. Nor was it the time to be inside the university campus, idling outside the research building, waiting.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But around three AM was the time Ken’s schedule coincided with Josh’s. And if the Devil’s hour meant they could meet without numerous prying eyes, he would think it better than the rest of the day.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A knock on the passenger’s side window made him jump and turn. Josh still had his knuckle up in front of the door, leaning over to it. He rolled the window down.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What are you doing here?” Josh asked, an eyebrow raised in suspicion.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken gave him the best smile he could muster. “You’re on your way home, right?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Is this going to be a regular thing?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Do you want it to be?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“God, you are such an annoying brat,” Josh hissed. But he opened the car door anyway, dropped his bag on the floor, and settled himself on the front seat.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken smiled at him, which Josh just rolled his eyes at. Then, he heaved a sigh and started to drive out of the campus.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh… So what did you do today?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Nothing much,” Josh replied. “Systems building, retooling, reading literature. The usual stuff.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I bet you enjoyed it though,” Ken responded.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh chuckled silently. “If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be staying there long.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What kind of robot are you working on this time?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uhm… It’s like a medical emergency ventilator of sorts,” Josh told him after much hesitation.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken knew the playful smile on his face meant that he found the questions amusing. After all, Ken had never shown any interest in his work before. It was not that it was boring; it was just that Ken honestly did not find it interesting before. Up until three years ago, that is. The time when he realized he wanted to know Josh more, he began to want to know what he did and what his interests were, too. That included his robot-engineering-intellectual nerd talk that never usually made sense to Ken but sounded so appealing when it came from Josh’s lips.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh tried to explain the details of his project to Ken in a language he understood. Distracted with his driving, Ken was only half-listening. That, added to the initial anxiety of meeting their company president in two days, weighed like a slowly enlarging pebble in the middle of Ken’s chest.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So, basically, it’s a low-cost medical equipment for respiratory and pulmonary emergencies,” Josh said, his hands doing small gestures in the air.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That’s hot,” Ken mumbled.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh turned to him, frowning. “You didn’t understand a thing, did you?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken held up a pinch to Josh, a sliver of space between his thumb and index finger.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When he did not say anything more, Josh seemed to see something written on his face in a language only they could understand. “Hey, what’s wrong?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Huh?” Ken spared him a side glance. “Nothing.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Dude, we’ve known each other almost a decade now. You can’t lie to me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken just smirked, hands and eyes still focused on driving. He did not answer as he turned the corner and parked in the narrow alley beside Josh’s apartment building.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Your destination, sir,” he said with a fake accent.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh ignored it. “Ken, what’s bothering you?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s nothing,” he answered. “I just… have a meeting with the President is all.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Did you do something?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Not yet</em>, Ken thought to himself, smiling almost nervously.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Is it something I can help with?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken turned to him and tried to make his smile as reassuring as possible. There Josh goes again, being all heroic. With everything that happened, he should have just dropped Ken like a dead man and never see him again. Yet, he did not. And he was even volunteering help at the first sign of a struggle. Ken wondered if he was aware how much it meant to him that he did not completely cut him off his life.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Was that how much Josh loved Ken?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Was that something Ken could do for Josh, too? Someday?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It would be nice if Josh leaned on him, too. Maybe he will when everything is said and done.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“This is something I need to do on my own,” Ken said. “But… thanks. I… appreciate it. <em>Honest</em>.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh lightly punched his shoulder. “I’m proud of you. I’m sure it will go well.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I really hope so,” Ken said, hoping he could tell Josh just how much it would mean if it became true.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He grabbed the hand Josh still had on his shoulder. Josh flinched but let him hold it. He didn’t hold it tightly, just enough so their skins touched. Josh’s hand was warm and supple, much like the way he was as a person. He had a lot of admirable qualities that Ken had not noticed until he lost him, and so being able to hold his hand was a reality Ken wanted to pen into a song and preserve forever.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It gave him a little bit more courage to take a risk.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Can you stay like this for a bit?” Ken asked him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh looked confused but he did not take his hand back. Then, he leaned back on his seat, looking away. Ken did the same.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With hands held loosely together, they stayed in that moment in silence a little while longer.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>‘a pretty good bad idea’ is a line from sara bareilles’ song in the waitress musical. please listen to it. it’s great!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. 3AM track five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Out of the quicksand and into the quagmire?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ksjhla hlhaslkdh alsd<br/>it's been too long! i feel sorry for not giving idolXengineer more thought. i guess sometimes my muse sulks and gives me nothing. but here it is. i've been sitting on this idea for a while. i hope, after this one, things will progress in the story.</p><p>this only has about... 4-5 more chapters left? i'm not entirely sure yet. anywhoo: stan sb19 and stream hsh mv!!!</p><p>chapter contains: deliveries, postmidnight car rides, an overthinking and panicking engineer, mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>alternate ending</h1><p> </p><p>“Hello, sir. I was tasked to deliver some things to you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, no. You’re not being bullied into doing this, are you?”</p><p> </p><p>“N-No, sir. I volunteered… since I have a car.”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure? Geez, I really wish he’d stop troubling people. What did he ask you to bring me?”</p><p> </p><p>“Coffee, sir… And some flowers.”</p><p> </p><p>“You had to buy all of these?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, no! He bought them… But he was on set the entire day today and couldn’t make the trip over… He also told me to make sure you took them.”</p><p> </p><p>“Because I rejected all the other delivery guys he sent. Now, he’s sending me someone I can’t refuse. <em>Nice</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“Erm… Should I help you carry all of these?”</p><p> </p><p>“If it’s not too much trouble.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay… Let me drive you to your building, sir.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Sure</em>… but I’m not taking those flowers.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Hi, Sir Josh.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hi, Vince… Another delivery?”</p><p> </p><p>“I hope you like sunflowers with your coffee.”</p><p> </p><p>“Not the flowers, Vince. But thanks for the coffee…”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Hi, again, Sir Josh.”</p><p> </p><p>“How’s it going, Vince?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s three stalks of roses today. Are you still not going to accept them?”</p><p> </p><p>“They’re pretty… but no flowers.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, let me help you with the coffee, though!”</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks, Vince.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“We should really stop meeting like this, Vince.”</p><p> </p><p>“I can’t say ‘no’ when Sir Ken is so persistent, Sir Josh.”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t worry. I’ll talk to him. So you can do your <em>actual</em> job.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, but… I’m actually liking this task. And I get to see a different side of Sir Ken. It’s cool.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, he <em>is</em> charming.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Very</em>. It’s kind of refreshing.”</p><p> </p><p>“I just hope he’s treating you guys well… I’ll be taking these then.”</p><p> </p><p>“Uhm…”</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>“I just… Whatever he’s doing this for, Sir Josh… I hope you give it some thought.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not your job to tell me that, Vince. But thanks for the coffee.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>2:17PM<br/>To: Suson, K.<br/></strong>For the love of God, stop<br/>sending me flowers!</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>3:04PM<br/>From: Suson, K.<br/></strong>Fine! No flowers. ☹</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>3:04PM<br/>From: Suson, K.<br/></strong>Coffee then?</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>3:05PM<br/>To: Suson, K.<br/></strong>Coffee’s fine.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>3:07PM<br/>From: Suson, K.<br/></strong>How about cake?</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>3:15PM<br/>To: Suson, K.<br/></strong>Cake is fine too. But stop<br/>sending Vince!</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>3:20PM<br/>From: Suson, K.<br/></strong>Okay… By the way.<br/>I’ll be over at around 1.<br/>Will you be done by then?</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>3:21PM<br/>To: Suson, K.<br/></strong>Yeah, I think so.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>3:22PM<br/></strong><strong>From: Suson, K.<br/></strong>I’ll see you later 😊</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Josh scratched the back of his head and sighed. None of the equations on what he was reading made sense anymore. He was tired, drained, and looking forward to a good bath. His eyes stung from lack of sleep, and his body was beginning to complain. But he had work to do. He had articles to read, literature to annotate, ideas to synthesize. His current project needed some medical know-how which went beyond his basic knowledge of biology and respiratory diseases.</p><p> </p><p>Also, he was waiting. For one <em>fucking </em>AM. It was still about three hours away, which meant he had that much time to kill. Why he did not just go home by himself, he did not know. Or he did. He just wanted to wait.</p><p> </p><p>While Josh’s eyes scanned through the paper, fixating on the equations that governed the mechanical systems he tried to understand, his hand darted to the corner of his workstation where his tumbler was. He flipped the lid and put it to his mouth while he tried to focus on his reading. That day’s delivery was a café au lait. It was still a little warm in his insulated tumbler even after ten hours. He sighed, content, as the bittersweet liquid went down smoothly. Warmth embraced his belly… and his chest.</p><p> </p><p>“Hoy, Josh,” said Justin. The other engineer approached Josh on his workstation, messenger bag slung across one shoulder and his blazer hung on his arm. “I’m gonna go pick up Shar. Are you going to stay late again?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah… I’ll be here for a while.” Josh lifted the thick cluster of printed journal articles on his desk. “Say ‘hello’ to Shar for me.”</p><p> </p><p>Justin nodded.</p><p> </p><p>Josh went back to his task. He had barely read past two sentences when he looked up again to see that Justin was still standing there. He gave Josh a lingering stare.</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve been meaning to ask…”</p><p> </p><p>“About… what?”</p><p> </p><p>“About the deliveries,” Justin said without hesitation. “The coffee and the cake… and occasional pizza.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh gave him a nervous chuckle before avoiding Justin’s knowing gaze.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know what to tell you,” he said. He hoped those perceptive eyes would not be able to see the blush that warmed his cheeks.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s… from <em>that guy</em>, isn’t it?” Justin said flatly. His voice was devoid of emotion, and it made Josh nervous.</p><p> </p><p>“Uhm… Yeah… It’s from… Ken.”</p><p> </p><p>“So, you guys are dating now?”</p><p> </p><p>“What? <em>No</em>!” Josh almost cried, putting his pen down. “We’re not!”</p><p> </p><p>“Not <em>yet</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh went quiet. “… Not yet.”</p><p> </p><p>“But… you will be.”</p><p> </p><p>A groan escaped Josh’s lips. He had long wanted to avoid thinking about his entire situation with Ken. He knew thinking about it would make him overthink, and he would be one step closer to being illogical. He had tried to hold back for weeks, distracting himself with work and research and his robots. They did not completely take his mind off his concerns, though.</p><p> </p><p>Ken asked him out. That was the entire debacle in four words. ‘Go out with me,’ he had said. He said it with an intense look in his eyes, almost as if he were being genuine. It scared Josh when it happened weeks ago because he knew that look. That was the same look in Ken’s eyes whenever he wanted something. It was a look of intent. Of motive. Of desire.</p><p> </p><p>And how was Josh supposed to react to that? That, all of a sudden, Ken Suson, his best friend for almost eight years now, was gay for him? That Ken, the idol who could barely catch his breath because of his schedules, wanted to be in a functioning relationship with him? In none of the parallel universes in Josh’s head did those questions make sense. His readings would make more sense that Ken being seriously in love with him.</p><p> </p><p>Right?</p><p> </p><p>But Ken looked… sincere. There was honesty in his eyes that night that Josh could not wipe off his memory. For all his fickle flings, Ken looked at Josh that night as if he were the answer to an entire book of questions. And that did not make sense either.</p><p> </p><p>No, it did not. Nothing had been making sense to Josh. Not Ken’s behavior, his confession, not even the fact that Josh did not outright reject him. He felt like he jumped from one dangerous situation to another. It muddled up his brain so much all he could do was groan again and put his head in both hands.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, you just groaned seven times. I hope you know that,” Justin told him.</p><p> </p><p>“As a matter of fact, I did not, Justin. I was kind of busy with my inner monologue.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why are you having so much trouble with this?” the other said. Justin approached and sat on the stool next to his.</p><p> </p><p>“I… I don’t know, Jah,” Josh replied. “I’m confused.”</p><p> </p><p>“With… his intentions?” Justin said with much hesitation. “Because… I think he’s made it pretty clear. To you <em>and </em>to the entire lab he buys coffee for.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, but. Just like that? Out of nowhere?”</p><p> </p><p>Justin shrugged. “I wouldn’t say ‘out of nowhere’…”</p><p> </p><p>“Jah, he’s straight. He’s <em>always</em> been straight. And all of a sudden, he’s <em>gay</em>? And he’s an idol! He’s like… <em>everyone’s</em> boyfriend. Does that even make sense? How will that even work?”</p><p> </p><p>“That sounds a lot like you’re making excuses.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not! I’m—<em>yeah</em>. Yeah, I am.” Josh groaned again. “Dear God, what am I doing, Justin?”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re… contradicting yourself is what it is.” Josh gave him a look. “I think… you already know what you want to do but… you have excuses I can only guess what about. I don’t know. You know yourself better than I do.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh heaved a labored sigh. He had his reasons. Of course, he did. Reasons that went beyond his lame excuses. It was not just that Ken was capricious or that he was busy, it was also because Josh did not feel capable of being in a relationship with him.</p><p> </p><p>Not with what they have at stake. Not with what Josh was afraid he would be capable of doing.</p><p> </p><p>What a hypocrite he was.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know if I’ll be able to be with him like I want to,” he confessed. And the confession alone made him feel a little selfish, a little needy, a little possessive.</p><p> </p><p>“So… you’re just going to enjoy this ambiguous situation you’re in?” Justin asked. “Which… is kind of doing the same thing you did a few years ago?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh gave a silent scream. “I know, I know! I’m making it harder for me!”</p><p> </p><p>“Seems like it…” Justin said.</p><p> </p><p>Josh smiled, not looking at Justin but into a far-off distance. He put his hand on Justin’s shoulder and said, “Do you think if… I mean, us dating… is a bad idea?”</p><p> </p><p>“As your friend, I will say that whatever it is you want to do, I will support you.”</p><p> </p><p>“I thought you didn’t like Ken?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t…” Justin said. “That’s why, as Justin, I will say that you should tell him to go away and leave you alone.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh snickered.</p><p> </p><p>“Just know that the longer you keep this up, the harder it will be to move forward.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” he said, “I know.”</p><p> </p><p>“And know that if I find a reason to destroy him, I will.”</p><p> </p><p>“That makes me feel <em>a lot</em> better…”</p><p> </p><p>Justin wrapped two lanky arms around Josh and patted his head.</p><p> </p><p>“Kuya Josh… You just don’t look good indecisive.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh returned the hug with one arm. “No… I didn’t think I so.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>When one o’clock came and went without Ken texting him, Josh decided to pack his things, stuff them in his bag, and make his way out. His brain already shut down, stale coffee the only thing keeping it awake. He decided going home for a bath and a good long rest was best.</p><p> </p><p>But when he went down the stairs, he was surprised to see Ken’s familiar black Altis idling right in front of their building.</p><p> </p><p>Ken did not seem to see him even as Josh approached the car. It was unusual, since Ken would blink his headlights to acknowledge Josh’s arrival. That time the car seemed to purr contentedly where it was, no indication that the driver inside saw him at all.</p><p> </p><p>Josh walked to the driver’s side window. Putting his face close to the tinted glass, he could see Ken’s figure seated on the driver’s seat, head slumped against the window, asleep.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Ken</em>…!” Josh called, tapping on the glass. “Ken!”</p><p> </p><p>Ken did not stir.</p><p> </p><p>He tried rapping on the glass again. “Ken…! Ken Suson!”</p><p> </p><p>Finally, Ken jumped a little on his seat and took a quick look around. When he saw Josh outside the car, he hurried to unlock it. Josh jogged to the passenger side—bag on his back, toolbox on one hand, and documents on the other—and settled on his seat next to Ken.</p><p> </p><p><em>His</em> seat. It was weird how just one month of their cat-and-mouse game made him think in possessive terms.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Ken greeted.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Josh greeted back, putting his things on the floor. “You know, it’s bad to sleep in an idling car. Haven’t you heard about carbon monoxide poisoning?”</p><p> </p><p>“Wow… That sounds like a dangerous version of broccoli,” the idol retorted, yawning.</p><p> </p><p>“How long have you been here?” Josh asked.</p><p> </p><p>“Since around twelve-thirty?” Ken thought. “We finished early so I decided to come right away. And I thought I’d get some shut-eye… but yeah. That happened.”</p><p> </p><p>“You should have just texted me, sheesh.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, I thought you might have been busy…”</p><p> </p><p>“And since <em>when</em> did you care if I’m busy?” Josh teased, laughing.</p><p> </p><p>Ken just shrugged. “Hey, I can be nice for a change. I’m not a complete douchebag.”</p><p> </p><p>He began to shift gears and drive back towards the gate.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s not what I meant,” Josh gave him a light punch to the shoulder. “It’s just… you really don’t need to do all this. It’s not necessary.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know,” the other replied. “But when have I ever listened to you, right?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh snickered. “Dork.”</p><p> </p><p>“Nerd.”</p><p> </p><p>The car purred as Ken drove, and it was the only sound that filled the air when they became quiet. In the past, before everything blew up, the silence had always been comfortable between them. Josh sometimes thought that whenever they were quiet together, they were talking in a secret language only the two of them knew.</p><p> </p><p>That had changed the moment the gears in their dysfunctional friendship turned and they somehow ended up in the situation they were in: not lovers, not quite ‘just friends’, either. Since Ken began to openly act out his ‘feelings’ for Josh, the silence became suffocating. It was like being submerged in a pool of water, making it difficult to breathe. The quiet was intimidating and Josh felt like, at any moment, he would say something he would regret. And he did not want that.</p><p> </p><p>Want? So, what did Josh want? If he were to be shameless about it, he would throw caution in the wind and tell Ken all his terms. That he wanted… That Ken should… That they have to… Josh had an entire list of demands in his head that he knew by heart. If he were being careless, he could spell it out to Ken and get it over with.</p><p> </p><p>But he did not. He could already imagine Ken saying ‘yes’ to all his demands, and that was more dangerous than Josh having them at all.</p><p> </p><p>Josh felt like he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Anywhere he went was the wrong way. There did not seem to be a way out that did not result in him being crushed to a pulp. Or wanting to crush others into a pulp.</p><p> </p><p>Even thinking about those things scared Josh… of himself.</p><p> </p><p>“—<em>osh</em>…”</p><p> </p><p>Josh was startled when he heard his name. He looked out the window and saw that they were already parked on the narrow alley beside his apartment building. Throughout the ride, he had been so engrossed in his own thoughts he did not even notice they had arrived.</p><p> </p><p>“Josh…”</p><p> </p><p>He turned to the side. Josh was met with a finger poking his cheek.</p><p> </p><p>Ken laughed, throwing his head back.</p><p> </p><p>“Wow, are you in kindergarten?!” Josh complained, nursing his cheek. “What was that for?”</p><p> </p><p>“You were making that face,” Ken told him.</p><p> </p><p>“What face?”</p><p> </p><p>“The face you make whenever you’re trying to figure something out… but end up overthinking it.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh flushed. Heat crept up his cheeks. It was a good thing that it was dark in Ken’s car, and the idol did not seem to see his blush.</p><p> </p><p>He grunted, giving Ken a stern look. It was difficult to keep things from Ken when he knew Josh inside-out. It was both a blessing and a thorn to the engineer’s side.</p><p> </p><p>“And just now, you were cursing the fact that I figured you out,” he added, smirking.</p><p> </p><p>“You are… an annoying little prick.”</p><p> </p><p>“And eight years later, you’re still here with me.”</p><p> </p><p>“I hate you…”</p><p> </p><p>Ken smiled his cocky smile.</p><p> </p><p>When Josh gave him an unimpressed look, he turned to the windshield, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. “Uh… So, it’s my MV release tomorrow.”</p><p> </p><p><em>Yeah, I know</em>, he wanted to say. But he said instead, “Oh, really? That’s great…”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah… Aren’t you going to congratulate me and stuff?”</p><p> </p><p>“Uh… <em>Congrats</em>…?”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s not very genuine.”</p><p> </p><p>“Congrats!”</p><p> </p><p>“And that’s even worse.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh groaned. “Ugh, what do you want from me?”</p><p> </p><p>“Go out with me.” Ken said plainly as he turned back to Josh, hiding a subtle smirk that formed on his lips. “As congratulations.”</p><p> </p><p>The idol gave him a gentle smile with imploring eyes. They stared so deep into Josh’s, he felt almost unraveled. It was like Ken was reading his mind, looking at Josh’s hidden thoughts as if they were his own. Whenever he was like that, it made Josh hate that they knew each other so well.</p><p> </p><p>Really. He could hardly get anything past the man. It was almost amazing why Ken was not just pushing all the right buttons so Josh would confess everything. He knew how to do that. He was holding back.</p><p> </p><p>Was he really trying to be patient? At least, as patient as his impatience could be, anyway?</p><p> </p><p>That was… admirable. But for how long will be he remain patient? Until when? Things would only get harder for them, and the feeling of being stuck was so familiar Josh could almost see how things will end. He could guess what would happen all over again if they keep going in that direction.</p><p> </p><p>Unless he decides to change the ending, of course.</p><p> </p><p>He sighed.</p><p> </p><p>“Fine,” Josh relented. “One date.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken bolted straight up on his seat. His eyes went wide as saucers and he leaned forward.</p><p> </p><p>“Wait, are you serious? Did that really work?!”</p><p> </p><p>“Just <em>one</em> date,” Josh repeated. “Nothing more.”</p><p> </p><p>“I promise, I promise!” Ken cried. “<em>Woah</em>, I can’t believe that worked!”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re overreacting. I didn’t say we’re like… dating. We’ll just hang out.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, yeah. Whatever,” he dismissed. “But you were the one who said it, okay? No take-backs, no last-minute cancellations, and definitely no third wheel. Got it?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think you’re in the position to make demands… But sure. Pick me up at five here at my apartment tomorrow.”</p><p> </p><p>“Five in the afternoon. Sure. You’d better not change your mind, <em>Josh Cullen</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>There was a threat in Ken’s deep voice that reverberated in Josh’s chest. It made him feel weak. He stared at Ken for a second before he hurried to grab his things and escape.</p><p> </p><p>“Josh,” Ken called before Josh could slam the door close.</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>“You can’t run away from me, okay?” he said. “Or I’ll drag you if I have to.”</p><p> </p><p>“I got it, sheesh!”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t forget!”</p><p> </p><p>“I won’t! Geez, what do you take me for?”</p><p> </p><p>“And don’t bring de Dios!”</p><p> </p><p>“Good night!”</p><p> </p><p>“Good ni—!”</p><p> </p><p>Josh slammed the door loudly, cutting Ken off. He had not noticed how fast his heart had been fluttering in his chest, how his hands had a slight tremble to them, and how he had stopped breathing in the middle of their exchange.</p><p> </p><p>He just power-walked to his unit without looking back, panic beginning to settle in his system.</p><p> </p><p>Okay, so he was going on a date… with Ken. The man he had been in love with for almost a decade.</p><p> </p><p>Okay. <em>Be cool, Josh. You’re fine. It's just a date.</em></p><p> </p><p>But what exactly happens on a date?</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>whelp! let's help the poor engineer</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. 3AM track six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>chapter contains: dates; interruptions; kisses; angst; mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>the date</h1>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>5:05PM<br/>From: Manager<br/></strong>Premiere is at 7PM. Are you<br/>going to wait for it?</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>5:05PM<br/>To: Manager<br/></strong>No. I have a date.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>5:06PM<br/>From: Manager<br/></strong>Just don’t forget about the<br/>presscon tomorrow. Don’t<br/>be late.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p>After replying to his manager, Ken put his phone away and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. Anxiety was creeping up to his chest all of a sudden, suffocating him and making it hard to breathe.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was not his first MV release; that much was true. But he still could not help the jitters in his belly that threatened to drown him with worry. Ken was never one to dwell on people’s reactions to his art, but his latest MV was treading unchartered territory. His team, his manager, and the President himself had warned him about the Pandora’s Box of risks it could open. Even though he tried to brush their comments off, Ken had grown more and more nervous as the days passed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Deep breaths</em>, he commanded himself. <em>No use worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken closed his eyes and let himself go deaf to Billie Eilish’s latest hits.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken was only halfway through the third track when the passenger side door opened, and someone cursed out loud. Ken snickered.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Fucking</em>—<em>geez</em>! Are you trying to bust your eardrums?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The car door slammed to a close, and his passenger dialed the volume down. A few more moments and the scent of faint vanilla perfume filled the cold air, tickling Ken’s nostrils.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Suddenly, a strange comfort and calmness filled Ken and banished his anxiety just like that. Years after, there was still one person who could keep his emotions in check. He should be used to it by now, but he was not.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Are you sleeping?” The voice had a hint of annoyance to it. Ken just smiled.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No, I’m awake,” he replied. He opened his eyes and sat up straight.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh leaned forward to look at his face. “Hey, what’s wrong?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Nothing…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Something <em>is</em> wrong,” Josh pressed. “You have a ‘bad day’ look on you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You can tell?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Always.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Knowing works both ways, Ken guessed. Just as he knew Josh like the back of his hand, the engineer knew him equally well. Josh might as well have been living in his head.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There was no point in lying, so Ken just said, “Nervous about the MV release.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh nodded. “Yeah. It’s still nerve-wracking, huh? But… I’m sure it’ll be fine. It usually is.” He gave a confident smirk that made Ken feel warm and tingly inside. He could almost forget about the worry weighing him down.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Thanks…” Ken regarded Josh’s clothes once. Then, he added, “Sir.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The engineer was never one for fashion. Ken knew he preferred to wear simple baggy clothes to let him move around uninhibited. So, seeing him in a semi-casual getup—slacks, a coat, and a red button-down shirt—was both a surprise and a pleasure. It made Ken think Josh had prepared for their date a little bit.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh gave him a once-over.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s because you said we’d be having dinner at <em>Symphonia</em>, dork,” he retorted. Pink dusted his pale cheeks. “Why are <em>you</em> wearing faded jeans and a hoodie?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“This was supposed to be the two of us hanging out but, like, romantically. I wanted to be natural!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Symphonia</em> has a dress code, you idiot.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“They’ll make exceptions for me,” Ken replied smugly. “I’m friends with the owner.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh just rolled his eyes. “Fine, fine… Whatever. I can never win against you. So, are we going to dinner right away, or do you have other things planned?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I was thinking we should watch a movie. It’s been a while.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh. A movie sounds good.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We could watch a rom-com.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh gave him a look of disgust. “What? No way. Don’t they a sci-fi film screening right now?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Can you watch sci-fi on a romantic date?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, it’s better than pretending we both like rom-com. Which we know isn’t true.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken pouted and thought for a while. “Yeah, rom-com isn’t really my thing.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Then let’s go with the sci-fi one,” Josh said, putting on his seatbelt. “It’s mecha, so I want to watch it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The idol just snickered. At thirty-one, Josh was still in-love with robots. Why that was endearing was confusing. Ken just laughed and settled on his seat.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As he drove, Josh kept complaining about his clothes. It made Ken laugh even more.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Everything the engineer did made him feel lighter. It was as if he never had a reason to worry in the first place.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Choosing a sci-fi movie proved to be the better choice. The queue for the rom-com one seemed to be longer than Ken’s lifeline. People clustered in cliques near the ticketing booth, and Ken suddenly became wary about being recognized. He felt as if people were watching him from where he stood. Pulling his hood and mask up, Ken withdrew to the side.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh noticed his guardedness, of course. Without needing an explanation, the engineer pushed him to a less crowded corner and left to get the tickets. In those moments, Ken remembered to be thankful for how easy it was to be around Josh.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Five minutes later, Josh returned with the tickets, nachos, and drinks. They made a beeline to their cinema without another word and chose the center seat in the middle row.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>What was the movie’s title, again? Ah, Pacific Rim Three</em>. Ken did not even bother with the details as he let Josh choose what he wanted to watch. The idol was not a huge fan of mecha or sci-fi movies. Heck, he was not a fan of going to the cinema in general. But when he saw how focused Josh was the moment the gigantic robot made its first appearance, Ken settled for watching the man beside him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There was a sparkle Ken could see in Josh’s eyes as he focused on the details. It was as if he was taking the robot apart in his head, examining all its greasy details, and then putting it back together again. At some parts of the movie, Josh would gasp and exclaim at the giant metal machine’s features, and Ken found those moments more amusing than the movie he was watching.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken sunk into his seat and fixed his eyes on his date. He was not even paying attention to the movie anymore. All he knew was it was comfortable feeling Josh’s shoulders against him, smelling the comforting scent of Josh’s perfume… and Ken’s eyes grew heavier and heavier.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Soon, Ken fell asleep.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Dude, what the hell?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The hissing sound and the jerking movement next to his cheek woke Ken.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was barely awake when Josh said again, “How can you be sleeping right now?” Josh sighed. He must have been feeling annoyed that Ken dragged him out just to fall asleep on him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh mumbled about cinema etiquette to nobody in particular.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken was just about to sit up straight, but he felt Josh’s hand pat him on the side of the head. Then, the man leaned back on his seat. Only then did Ken realize he had been sleeping on Josh’s shoulder.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Dork,” Josh muttered while he fixed Ken’s hood.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He did not say anything more, and Ken thought he went back to watching the movie.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Surprisingly content, Ken just smiled and allowed himself to sleep some more.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“That was great!” Ken commented on the way out of the cinema.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, you <em>really</em> seemed to enjoy it,” Josh said, rolling his eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken just chuckled and bumped shoulders with the man beside him. “That was the best nap I’ve had in a while.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh had a small smirk on his face at Ken’s reply.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m not your pillow, dork,” he said. “Now, let’s get on with it. Where are we going now?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Symphonia</em>. Dinner is the next part of the program.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You have a program?” Josh snickered.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Kinda… So, we should move along if we want to stay on schedule.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken brushed his fingers against Josh’s hand before taking it and lacing their fingers together. Ken hid a smile underneath his mask.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh shot him a surprised look. “What do you think you’re—?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Riiiing! Riiiing! Riiiiiiing!</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Before Josh could say any more, a loud ringing interrupted him and made him jump. A look of recognition flashed on his face before he shook off Ken’s hand and hastily grabbed his phone with both hands. Josh stared.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s my prof,” he whispered. He put his phone on his ear and answered the call. “Hello, sir?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken knew something was up without even asking. Josh tensed; his shoulders became stiff, and his eyebrows furrowed. The longer the conversation went, the more serious his expression got. Ken could not hear anything besides the unintelligible voice at the other end of the line, but Josh replied ‘Yes, sir’ and ‘Okay, sir’ to whatever the conversation was.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When the call ended, Josh cursed under his breath. “Fuck…!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, what’s going on?” Ken asked when Josh bit his lip and gave him a tentative glance.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sorry, Ken. I’m really sorry, I—” he began.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why? What the heck is going on?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh… My professor just told me he’s waiting on one of my progress reports and my paper,” Josh explained. “Sorry, I didn’t think he would ask for it until tomorrow. Sorry.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Wait, so… Is it urgent?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh nodded. “Sorry.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And you need to get back home?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No, I have to go to the lab. I have stuff I need to finish up, and all my files are there.” Josh fidgeted. “Hey, look. Sorry. I didn’t think he would call me in like this.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken would be lying if he said he was not hurt or disappointed at the development. He had the night planned out. Everything had been going according to his plan, too, until Josh received that call.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He wanted to whine and complain, but just one look at the apologetic expression in Josh’s usually-bright brown irises ultimately defeated him. Ken knew how important work was to Josh. He did not have the will to continue being mad.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When did he become so easily swayed? He did not know.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken heaved a sigh.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Symphonia</em> doesn’t allow takeout, does it?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t think so… Sorry,” Josh apologized again. “Are you mad?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“A little disappointed…” he replied. Josh did not say anything to retort. “So, in exchange, why don’t you buy me Thai food?”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>They ended up buying takeout from a Thai restaurant they both liked. Ken drove Josh to the university and, after insisting that he wanted to stay, Josh let him into their laboratory.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken had only seen laboratories in anime and TV shows, so he did not know much about what he would see. He half-expected Baymax-like robots and flying gizmos the moment Josh opened the door. But all he saw was an empty office with white-and-mint-green walls, fourteen workstations littered with various spare parts, a closed room, a waiting lounge, and a pantry. No one else was there. Josh said it was because nobody in the office ever worked well into the night. Except for him, of course.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh led him to the pantry first. It was a quiet dinner, and they ate their food in silence. The engineer still seemed a little guilty about the whole <em>Symphonia</em> thing, so Ken acted whiney throughout dinner to give Josh a reason to spoil him. Two pad thai and a bowl of tom yum later, Josh was back to his usual cranky self.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Right after dinner, Josh got to work. His work station was right next to the pantry, so Ken could watch him work. For the next two hours, Ken stood in front of the sink, watching Josh through the glass separating them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken had never seen Josh get serious with his robots, so it was a surprise to see the man working around with passion. He had grace in his movements Ken had not seen except when he was dancing. Josh’s hands that seemed tiny and brittle were firm and steady as he picked up his tools, tinkering with his machine, and set them down again. He would look at his machine for a few seconds. Then, he would scribble something on his notes and type on his keyboard.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken often forgets that Josh was an engineer—and a damned good one, apparently. Maybe he got so used to being a distant friend that he realized he knew nothing about the nitty-gritty details of Josh’s day, his life, his thoughts. Those were the things he took for granted in the past; now, those were the things he still did not know.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>How many secrets did they still have between them? How many skeletons remained hidden in their closets? Ken never thought about it until then, but he wanted to see everything. He wanted to get to know Josh better. He wanted to know him all over again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken did not notice he had been staring blankly into space until the scent of caramel and coffee drew his attention to a hot takeout cup right in front of his face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He paused.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why are you spacing out?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The idol blinked at the cup then turned to the man holding it out to him. Josh teased him with a smile.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I got you coffee. You drink macchiato, right?” he asked.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh, yeah… Thanks.” He took the cup in his hands while Josh sat on the pantry’s countertop next to him. “Are you done working?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh nodded. “Yeah… I sent the email right as the coffee arrived. Neat timing, huh?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Ken nodded. “Neat timing.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So…” Josh began when they became quiet for some time. “I guess… I ruined the date.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken shook his head. “Nah, it’s alright. I swear, it’s no big deal.” To his left, he saw Josh sipping from his coffee cup. “Uh… I mean… If it’s apologies, I should be the one apologizing, don’t you think?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh turned to frown at him. “What do you mean?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I never really apologized for… well… everything?” Ken said, unsure himself how he should say his piece. “The past five years, for being a jerk and being selfish… Even now, I’m forcing myself on you… So, yeah… I’m sorry about… <em>me</em>.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Dork,” Josh chuckled.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I thought I knew how I would do this… but I guess I’m pretty bad at it, huh?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Bad at what?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“At this… Like… wooing you and stuff,” Ken explained. “I feel like I really failed at the ‘romancing you’ department.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, were you <em>trying</em>?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, I’m serious here.” Ken leaned on his side so he could look at Josh. “I mean, I just don’t know how to make you like me again.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What the hell?” Josh laughed a little.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Don’t laugh! This is a legitimate concern,” Ken told him. “And since we’re talking about this now, you might as well give me a clue?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh sighed. He took a huge gulp of his coffee, hesitated for a moment, and then said, “Alright… I’ll let you in on a secret.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Which is?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The engineer swung his legs as he sat. He looked ahead, avoiding Ken’s gaze as the idol kept staring at him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You don’t need to try so hard,” Josh said. “You’ve… been wooing me without even trying since the day we met.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken figured as much, but he was still confused.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So… why?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What do you mean, ‘why’?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why don’t you want to date me, like, officially?” Ken leaned in closer. “And be honest this time.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I didn’t lie about anything,” Josh replied, unfazed. “I <em>am</em> still skeptical about this, you know? I guess I just couldn’t tell how much of this you’ve thought about. I mean, don’t get me wrong. The coffee and the early morning rides are sweet and romantic, maybe. But… that’s not all there is to dating.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So, you still doubt me?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh began to say, ‘Not really,’ but changed his mind and said, “Can you blame me?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken sighed. He thought it was unfair for Josh to doubt him that way, yet a part of him knew those doubts were justified. Ken was a douchebag womanizer who never had a relationship lasting longer than two weeks. He was clueless about committed relationships, even more clueless about love and being with a man.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He did not know what to say. Words felt insufficient to him, shallow. And Ken doubted he could explain himself well enough to prove his intentions.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Instead of saying anything, Ken put his hands on Josh's sides and leaned up to kiss him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Their lips touched for a second before Ken pulled back, grinning while trying to hide the growing blush on his cheeks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What was that?” Josh asked him, unfazed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Proof,” Ken replied with a confident smirk.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The engineer shook his head, and Ken felt a little confused. Josh smiled at him and said, “Not enough.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Before Ken could ask him what he meant, Josh kissed him. He grabbed the collar of Ken’s hood and yanked him closer. Ken did not know what surprised him more: the insane strength Josh used to grab him or the intensity with which they kissed. It was hungry, unforgiving, so hurried Ken could not catch up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Not enough. Ken understood what Josh meant then. His feelings, his thoughts, and his love were not enough. Not quite yet.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Maybe Ken was still blinded by his confidence in Josh’s feelings towards him that he underestimated everything. Ken made himself think that he knew what he was doing. He knew what he was getting into. But as Josh kissed him senseless, Ken realized how much difference there was between the love he was offering and the love Josh had for him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken always knew Josh loved him, but he did not entirely grasp how intense and passionate that love was until then. It was like being caught in a tidal wave that left him breathless, gasping for air, and yet wanting to drown in the currents.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh’s love was a mighty ocean. Ken was still at the shallow end of the shore. And he was so caught up in his own world he did not think a love like that existed. He did not think he could receive or give something like that. Just knowing about it made him feel a little intimidated, a little unsure. Ken did not know if he could love the way Josh loved him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>How naïve.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken broke away first. Even after their lips parted, he could still feel the ghost of the kiss on him. When he looked up at Josh, he could see the bashful glee in his eyes… as well as a little knowing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh knew. Josh saw. And Josh understood that Ken was not quite there yet. He had a grandiose delusion that he was, but he was only parading like a man who knew nothing. Still, all Ken saw was understanding and adoration in those eyes before he could even begin to apologize.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What did Ken do to deserve him? No matter how many times he messed up, Josh was still there as Ken’s constant.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Damn. Josh was so cool.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And Ken could never win against him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Fuck.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The first thing Josh asked after a moment of silence was, “How much of you are you willing to give to me?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken stared. He did not say anything.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ten? Twenty? Fifty percent?” Josh asked him. “If it were in the past, I would have been fine with fifty. But now, I’d rather have none if I can’t have all of you. I am… monopolizing and selfish. And that’s scary for the both of us, do you understand?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A selfless man was calling himself selfish. It made Ken chuckle.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, I know <em>all </em>about selfish…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Then you know what I’m talking about,” Josh continued. “Ken, I <em>do</em> believe you like me. I can tell. And thank you… It makes me happy that you’re finally returning my affections even a little, but… You’ll be surprised how many different sorts of ‘like’ and ‘love’ and ‘lust’ you can have for one person. I don’t want to suffocate you with mine.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Desperation was written all over Josh’s face, along with quiet resolve. He looked so sure of himself that Ken could not help but feel intimidated.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m scared… of how selfish I can get when it comes to you,” Josh said. “And how will that work when your job is <em>literally </em>to make people fall in love with you?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken smiled. “So, you’re holding back for me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Aren’t I a great friend?” the engineer replied, rolling his eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken chuckled. Then, he said, “You’re the best.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I know…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken hung his head, resting it on Josh’s shoulder. “You’re right. I never thought about those things that way. And I’m sorry. Sorry, I’m a little scared right now,” he said. “But… hearing that actually makes me happy, you know? It makes me think… you must <em>really</em> love me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken expected the man to avoid the subject again, so he was surprised when Josh said, “I do.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh placed a hand at the back of Ken’s head and gave it an affectionate scratch.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sorry…” Ken said in a whisper. “I messed up again.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, I’m used to it by now,” Josh told him, helping him to stand upright. He gave him a huge smile and said, “So, yeah… I can’t date you just yet. I have my issues, and you have your issues… It’s… a lot to deal with at the moment.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The engineer gave him a sheepish smile. It was wide and a little bashful. But it also had a little bit of regret that made Ken a little sad.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Josh knew what he wanted, but he hesitated to take it. Ken hesitated about what he wanted, but he selfishly wanted it anyway. Once again, the universe conspired for them to be in the same story but not quite the same page. Ken would have found it to be poetic if it was not so cruel.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ken nodded to himself and said, “I get it. Somehow. I <em>think</em>.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For the first time in weeks, Ken felt like he did.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>What time was it? Two? Almost three? Ken did not know. All he knew was he had been tossing and turning in bed, unable to fall asleep.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His clock was ticking on the dresser, a constant reminder that time was slowly passing him by. But he had a lot he was thinking about, even more that he wanted to do.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>An ocean. That was what he needed to cross. It was a lot scarier since Josh put it in perspective for him. It was a great distance, and Ken wanted to know what he could do to cross that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Because he wanted to. <em>So bad</em>. Despite all the doubts and hesitation he now had, he knew he still wanted that. But how does he get from the shore to the deepest parts of the sea?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Three in the morning came, and Ken finally decided.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Slowly but surely, as the adage goes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He could only take it slow.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>*gasps* three more chapters (i think) and a bonus story before we end this gigantic fic!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. 3AM track seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>chapter contains: light angst; fluff; romance; mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>reckless</h1><p> </p><p>‘Not enough’?</p><p> </p><p>‘I’d rather have none if I can’t have all of you’?</p><p> </p><p>Josh rolled to his side on the bed. As he thought about everything that happened a few hours ago, he felt his stomach churn with worry.</p><p> </p><p>What stupid things to say! Josh could not believe what he said in the heat of the moment. Even if there were a slight truth to them, it was unfair to demand the same level of emotions from Ken. After all, Josh had been loving him for eight years. As for the idol, who knows how long he has had those romantic feelings?</p><p> </p><p>Belittling Ken’s affections was like getting mad at a child for not knowing how to build a robot. The young man might have been giving it is all, but Josh was asking for more. Perhaps Josh had expected too much too early and his own expectations frustrated him. How unreasonable. How cruel.</p><p> </p><p>Josh should make sure to tell Ken that it was okay. It was okay if their feelings were not matched.</p><p> </p><p>He turned to look at the phone next to him. Josh gave it a soft tap before burying his face in his pillow. Should he call? He wanted to, but it did not feel appropriate. Ken looked like he had a lot on his mind as they said goodbye; Josh did not want to meddle. He had to let Ken fight his own battles. The only thing he could do was to stand by him so he would feel less alone.</p><p> </p><p><em>Please</em>, he thought hard as if doing so would make the gods pity him. <em>Please don’t let me mess up this time</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Those were the prayers that left Josh’s lips before he fell asleep.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Josh woke up later than usual. His mind must have been exhausted from the stress of recent events that it decided to ignore his alarms for hours. When Josh finally had the sense to get up, it was almost two in the afternoon. He was too late that trying to hurry was useless.</p><p> </p><p>Still, he rushed through bathing and eating before running to the lab. His professor was disappointed at his submission which meant Josh got stuck with mountains of paperwork and revisions. He got scolded and yelled at. The engineer knew his crappy submission was not up to par, but could they blame him for being distracted when he could feel Ken’s heated gaze on his back as he worked?</p><p> </p><p>Josh grumbled and sighed as he tried to revise his paper again. He tried to get his mind to stop wandering, to make it concentrate on his project instead of the idol who was at his press conference that same afternoon. He wanted to call Ken. He wanted to hear his voice. But the poor progress on his paper made Josh think otherwise.</p><p> </p><p><em>Priorities come first</em>, he decided. It was what he worked hard for. Flirting can come later.</p><p> </p><p>Scan. Re-read. Synthesize. Type.</p><p> </p><p>Scan. Re-read. Synthesize. Type.</p><p> </p><p>Delete, delete, delete. Type, type.</p><p> </p><p>Josh ignored the notifications on his phone about Ken’s music video and his press conference. The engineer remained hunched over his workstation for hours, trying to focus on the task at hand. Somehow, he was able to find a good flow as he worked. At past ten o’clock, Josh clicked the ‘Send’ button and submitted the revised manuscript to his professor.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Josh took two minutes to clear his thoughts and relax his mind. After that, he sunk into one of the loveseats in their waiting lounge to watch Ken’s music video.</p><p> </p><p>Ken’s single, ‘Reckless’, was an acoustic ballad—a genre the idol rarely sang. Josh thought it was a neat change of pace, given Ken was exploring many different areas of his music and his art. Ken’s team had been hyping the premiere for a month. They made it so mysterious that the teasers only hinted at a torn up photo. A woman and two men were in the picture, one of which was Ken. Josh sensed it would be about a tragic love triangle.</p><p> </p><p>True to his expectation, the music video told him a story of two friends contending for the female. As a fan, Josh thought the song was good—the kind he would want to play on a rainy afternoon. He was also glad to see that Ken improved on his acting. The idol was no longer as stiff and awkward. He was telegenic, in the first place. That, combined with top-notch cinematography, vivid imagery, and effective co-actors made for an enjoyable music video. In Josh’s opinion, it was good enough to pass off as a short film that was only four minutes long.</p><p> </p><p>But as a critic, Josh felt like it was a little clichéd. There was a nagging feeling in his stomach that made him think there was something more to the video than just a contention between two friends. That was what he thought in the scene where Ken and his co-actor were having a heated argument.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Why are you being like this</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>You don’t get it</em>…” Ken said. “<em>Not in the slightest</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>You’re making it a big deal</em>! <em>We’re friends</em>! <em>We shouldn’t let this come between us</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Yeah</em>…<em> We’re friends</em>…”</p><p> </p><p>Ken gave him a bitter smile and nodded. </p><p> </p><p>“<em>That’s why I need you to let me go</em>”.</p><p> </p><p>And then Ken kissed him. Josh almost dropped his phone.</p><p> </p><p>Josh stared at the video just to make sure he was not hallucinating from stress.</p><p> </p><p>Did that kiss really happen? Did Ken—the idol, most sought-after bachelor, and infamous womanizer’—really just kiss a man on screen?</p><p> </p><p>Josh could only blink as he let the video play to the end. The rest of the music video flashed back to reveal Ken’s secret affection towards his male friend. As the story ended, the idol could be seen watching the other man and his girlfriend from afar while the song ended with, “<em>I love you</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh’s thoughts raced—finally, his anxiety had a name and it was named Ken’s stupidity. His immediate reaction was to check the public’s reactions to the music video on social media. As expected, they were mixed. Casual viewers were divided in their evaluation. Celebrity news ignored the quality of the music video to focus on their own interpretations about the theme most people still considered taboo. The fans were holding the fort trying to defend Ken’s artistic choices.</p><p> </p><p>Josh began pouring through posts and articles until he reached news about Ken’s press conference earlier that day. Issues about his music video carried over to his interview. As Josh read the posts, he was almost enraged to find it became less about the concert tour and more about Ken’s second stupid decision.</p><p> </p><p>‘<strong>“I Like Men”: Singer Ken Comes Out as Bisexual in Latest Press Conference</strong>,’ the article read in big, bold letters.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>What the hell</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh skipped through snippets and clips of the interviews. He scrolled to the bottom where the columnist posted a video of how the clusterfuck happened.</p><p> </p><p><em>“Your latest MV took a surprising turn with the addition of queer love. Reactions have been mixed but intense; some are calling you a misrepresentation of the LGBTQ community in media. Your thoughts?” </em>asked one brave reporter. There was a hushed murmuring as he asked the question everybody was thinking.</p><p> </p><p>Ken seemed unfazed. His manager, a brown-skinned woman with rich dark curls, approached him on the stage to whisper in his ear. They had a short discussion, and Ken nodded. Josh felt queasy as the manager gave an encouraging pat on the idol’s shoulder.</p><p> </p><p><em>“I wouldn’t call it misrepresentation,”</em> Ken said with his voice level and sure. <em>“Not when I am a member of the community myself.”</em></p><p> </p><p><em>“Are you saying you’re gay?”</em> The reporter was getting a little bit too annoying for Josh’s taste.</p><p> </p><p><em>“Bisexual,” </em>Ken corrected. <em>“I like women, </em>obviously<em>. But recently, I’ve come to realize that I can like men, too.”</em></p><p> </p><p>The murmurs grew louder.</p><p> </p><p>Similar questions were raised throughout the interview in other videos, and Ken answered them all. He confirmed that he was bisexual about five more times. He answered honestly that he was also sexually attracted to men. The questions were becoming irrelevant to the concert tour, prompting the moderator to halt all questions about Ken’s sexuality.</p><p> </p><p>However, annoying celebrity gossipers mixed in disinterested comments about Ken’s music to ask him follow-up questions about his sexual preferences. Josh became even angrier when the topic of his sexual practices was asked, which Josh thought was close to sexual harassment. But Ken answered all of the questions that anyone would be impressed at his openness and confidence.</p><p> </p><p>Not Josh. Josh knew him too well to miss the slight tremble in his voice, the darker tint on his cheeks, and the nervous flutter of his eyelids. He looked a little scared, a little underprepared. Knowing him, the deep breaths he took before he answered meant all he wanted to do was leave.</p><p> </p><p>Josh stormed out of the laboratory to make a call.</p><p> </p><p>The call was cut twice before Ken picked up on Josh’s third attempt.</p><p> </p><p>“Where are you? You idiot!” Josh cried, no longer bothering with niceties. </p><p> </p><p>“Uh, home…” Ken answered in a quiet mumble.</p><p> </p><p>“Alone?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah…”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay?” The worry was so thick in his voice that Josh could hear it echoed to him.</p><p> </p><p>“You saw, huh?”</p><p> </p><p>“Most of it…”</p><p> </p><p>“That bad?” Ken chuckled. “I turned off my other phone, so I’m not getting any updates.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ken…”</p><p> </p><p>“I was cool, though…”</p><p> </p><p>“Ken, this is serious. You dork.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m… I’ll be fine in a few hours. Give me some time to sleep this away.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh sighed. “What the hell were you thinking?”</p><p> </p><p>“About what?”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Everything</em>!” Josh barked. “Do you know what this would do to your career? Do you know what happens to idols who come out as gay? Did your company even agree? With everything you said?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken hesitated for a brief moment. “Yeah… I… talked to the president a while back. I asked about lifting the dating ban and if I could come out publicly.”</p><p> </p><p>“And they fucking agreed?”</p><p> </p><p>“More or less,” he answered. “It took a lot of persuasion, but yeah. And in a way, this is publicity, you know? With my MV having the same theme and all…”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, my God. Ken…” Josh rubbed his temples with one hand. “What have you done?”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you think it’s that bad of an idea?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s a terrible idea…”</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry…” he said, but Josh was not even sure what he was apologizing for. “It… could have been worse.”</p><p> </p><p>“What’s worse than you getting sexually harassed at a press conference?” the engineer hissed, mad again at the insensitive questions thrown at Ken.</p><p> </p><p>“I could have… confessed to you during the press con,” the idol replied in a slow and small voice. “That… would have been worse, wouldn’t it?”</p><p> </p><p>“Motherfucker,” Josh hissed. “Of all the idiotic—”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I knew you’d be mad…” he snickered. “I’m glad I didn’t do anything stupid… <em>Stupider</em>. But, hey. Now you don’t have to worry about people gossiping about my sexuality.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ken…” Josh heaved a sigh. “Was that it? Was that why you came out? To get me? You dumbass. <em>Idiot</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“I thought about that. And I realized if I was doing it just to corner you, wouldn’t it be the same thing as before? I didn’t want to do that to you again.”</p><p> </p><p>“So why?”</p><p> </p><p>“Freedom, I guess,” Ken said. “I don’t want to be held back from doing what I want. I don't want to have to be afraid or embarrassed of this part of me.”</p><p> </p><p>The engineer did not know whether to be frustrated with Ken’s impulsiveness or be impressed by his courage. So he just said, “<em>Idiot</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>A silence passed between them, allowing Josh to listen to Ken’s shallow breathing.</p><p> </p><p>There were so many thoughts going through his head. Josh thought about what else might happen because of Ken’s public announcement. He was scared about what it meant for them and the careful balance they tried to keep. Most of all, he worried about Ken’s state. The idol was trying to sound okay but knowing him, he was carrying his own burdens.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m coming over,” he told Ken.</p><p> </p><p>“What—<em>no</em>, that’s fine. I’m totally—”</p><p> </p><p>“Shut up. I’ll see you in a bit.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh hung up while Ken tried to stop him from visiting. He went back inside the lab to get his things, then headed out to catch a taxi.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>When Ken opened the door to his condominium, he looked a little flushed. His hair was still wet from a bath, and Josh could smell the strong smell of his soap… mixed with the scent of alcohol and cigarettes.</p><p> </p><p>“You were drinking,” Josh said with a deadpan.</p><p> </p><p>“Just a little,” Ken replied, unable to look straight into Josh’s eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“I bought hangover medicine and some food,” the engineer said, sliding between the door and letting himself in. “Did you eat?”</p><p> </p><p>“Not yet,” Ken mumbled.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.”</p><p> </p><p>That was the shortest conversation they had in eight years. Josh could tell Ken was feeling bothered about recent events, and he could not get any madder than he was. As soon as they were inside, Josh only felt pain for the idol. He made his way to the kitchen without another word, Ken following behind him.</p><p> </p><p>The entire house was a little too quiet. Only the rustling of the plastic bags made a noise as Josh began to take out the food he brought. Neither of them talked. Josh did not even know what to say.</p><p> </p><p>He was about to think that Ken fell asleep when he felt a sudden weight touch the back of his neck.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks for coming…” Ken said. His forehead was warm against Josh’s back.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Dumbass</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“You always knew when I needed a pick-me-up,” he continued. “And I never got to say this before but… I feel better when you’re around.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh continued to pull the plates from the dish rack, ignoring the heat growing in his chest. Ken just moved his hands and gripped the sides of Josh’s shirt.</p><p> </p><p>“Have I ever told you you’re the best?”</p><p> </p><p>“Too many times.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re the best,” Ken said anyway. “I don’t know what to do to make it up to you.”</p><p> </p><p>“You have to stop doing so many stupid things.”</p><p> </p><p>“I can’t promise that,” he replied, chuckling. Then, he said, “Were my fans disappointed?”</p><p> </p><p>“Some of them are. You just broke half the country’s female population,” Josh joked. “But most are supportive, so you don’t have to worry about it. Your fans… are second only to you in their stubbornness.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh… That’s great…”</p><p> </p><p>“So, what are you going to do now?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know. Lie low, I guess… Focus on my concert tour. Stay away from reporters.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh sighed. He turned around and cupped Ken’s chin. What he saw in the idol’s deep brown orbs were insecurity, fear, and confusion.</p><p> </p><p>“But you know you can’t hide from this forever, right? People will be asking you questions about this over and over… Can you handle that?”</p><p> </p><p>“Probably…” Ken caught Josh’s wrist and held it tight. “Will you stay with me?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah…” Josh nodded.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks, Josh…” Ken gave him a shy smirk. “I know… it’s another big thing I’m asking for after everything I’ve demanded. I’m not sure how to make it easier…”</p><p> </p><p>“Stop doing stupid things,” came Josh’s immediate reply which made them both smile.</p><p> </p><p>It was just one smile. Josh was not sure how he looked or how Ken took that smile, but the idol relaxed. He could tell with how his gaze melted into a look of contentment that Ken was feeling better. So much better. And there was more they were saying with the way they stared that their words could not fully describe.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Ken began after some time.</p><p> </p><p>“Hmm…”</p><p> </p><p>“If this is a selfish request, you can tell me. But will you wait until I’m there? Until our feelings become more equal…” There was a bit of hesitation in his voice, honest but uncertain.</p><p> </p><p>Josh shook his head.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, no. About that,” Josh said, giving him an apologetic smile. “I think I was a little insensitive last night. I was… demanding. Asking that from you was self-centered on my part. I’m sorry…”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I was gonna mention that,” Ken noted, pouting at him a bit. “But me calling you self-centered is like the kettle calling the pot black.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh laughed. “Dork.”</p><p> </p><p> “Nerd.” Ken laughed, too. “So, we’re fine like this, right?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah… Yeah, we’re fine like this.”</p><p> </p><p>“For now.”</p><p> </p><p>“For now…”</p><p> </p><p>“And we’re going to try this again? Dating? One more time?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Josh answered. He slid his hands down Ken’s arms and held his hands. “They say twice is the charm.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken laughed and nodded. “Thanks for everything… And thanks for coming over. I feel better now.”</p><p> </p><p>This time, Josh frowned at him. “You weren’t going to eat if I didn’t come, were you?”</p><p> </p><p>“Too much trouble…” Ken said, grinning.</p><p> </p><p>“Then, let’s eat. I bought fried chicken.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh?” The idol brightened. “<em>Yaaay</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>Josh gave Ken’s cheek a soft nudge before untangling their hands. Then he turned back to the forgotten packs of takeout food while Ken helped get the kitchen table ready.</p><p> </p><p>They eased into comfortable topics over dinner, worries about the press conference, and people’s judgment forgotten for the time being. Ken talked about his concert preparations, and Josh shared more about his research work. After dinner, they did the dishes together before moving to the living room and watching anime.</p><p> </p><p>The stress of the day eventually got to the idol, and he dozed off in the middle of an episode. Ken’s head hung forward at an awkward angle as he slept. He seemed peaceful and without a care in the world, yet his grip on Josh’s hand did not loosen.</p><p> </p><p>Josh looked at the idol’s sleeping face, their linked hands, then Ken’s face again.</p><p> </p><p>The day started off chaotic and stressful. The next days might stay that way. Gossip and rumors about Ken would last for a few weeks. Josh knew other problems were sure to arise, as well. Some things could jump on them and catch them off-guard. He knew they both had their fears, doubts, and insecurities.</p><p> </p><p>But if recent turn of events taught Josh anything, it was that some things did not need to be thought about or overanalyzed. No amount of preparation could safeguard them from everything, so they needed to allow some things to happen.</p><p> </p><p>Tomorrow would come with its own share of problems. Josh just felt secure knowing that he would not fight them alone. At least, not anymore. If the warmth around his hand were any indication, Ken would be on his side this time.</p><p> </p><p>Josh smiled as moved Ken’s head to lean on the backrest. After the day the idol has had, he needed sleep. Josh decided he would let him nap before waking him up to move to the bedroom later. Meanwhile, the engineer leaned over to give Ken a small kiss then going back to watching the anime.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>im so tired....</p><p>but it's ending already?! omg that was a long ride</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. 3AM track eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>chapter contains: light angst; light drama; fluff; romance; mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>all the steps that made the journey</h1><p> </p><p>Tabloids, articles, and celebrity news coverage for the next few weeks headlined Ken’s coming out. They had expected it, but the sheer number of news was still overwhelming. Gossipers flocked like flies to a carcass as they regurgitated the issue. While Ken was right in that it was publicity for his music video, Josh still did not feel comfortable with people spreading harmful rumors like candy.</p><p> </p><p>‘Ken is not bisexual; he is using the issue to hide an illegitimate child.’ ‘Ken is homophobic but using LGBTQ themes to gain fans.’ ‘Ken is not a musician; he is just a queer-baiter.’ Every time those kinds of news passed through Josh’s social media feed, he felt an intense anger boil inside him. Why was it that people who knew least say the most?</p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Ken kept telling him over and over. But he would seek out Josh’s hand and squeeze it until it stopped trembling.</p><p> </p><p>Ken had been emotional for days after his press conference. He hid in his house, avoiding personal meetings with people, even his staff and manager. Only Josh could see him, and the engineer was happy to do so after work after work. Cooped up in his safe place, Ken became vulnerable. There were moments of quiet when he stares into space, looking pensive. He did not want to hear news about him and would be irritable at the smallest mention of the issues. Sometimes, Josh would catch him sighing deeply. The engineer, of course, would lend him support. Be it with a nudge, a hand to hold, or distraction with food and anime, the idol would give Josh a grateful smile and welcome the diversion.</p><p> </p><p>After two weeks of turmoil, the idol picked himself up and began practicing again, much to his company’s relief. Whatever anger and frustration Ken did not show, he poured into his concert rehearsals. He practiced day in and day out until his legs gave out. He worked on his songs and improved his singing. Ken was also hit by a ton of inspiration. In a few days, he had written and produced five tracks that Josh wanted to slap in the faces of those who questioned the idol’s musical ability.</p><p> </p><p>As time went by, so did the gossips against Ken. People got tired of clamoring for a reaction from the idol and eventually found a new scandal to talk about. Meanwhile, Ken’s fans remained steadfast in giving him the encouragement Josh could not. They found ways to send him his favorite food or letters. Realizing the love that surrounded him made the idol cry on more than one occasion. Josh laughed at Ken for his late epiphany and called him an idiot; then, the engineer wrapped him in his arms.</p><p> </p><p>A month and a half later, people forgot about the rumors and gossip. Ken took on guestings once more. Life went on for both of them. More or less the same, just a little more entwined with each other.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>One change that happened after Ken’s coming out was less dramatic.</p><p> </p><p>Josh had slotted back into Ken’s life as a constant. They saw each other more often and adjusted their schedules around each other. Josh would be at Ken’s house every other day to hang out or have dinner. On the other hand, Ken tried to learn more about Josh’s job. Whenever the engineer brings small machines from his work, Ken would play assistant and give him a helping hand. And when neither of them was busy with their own things, they would sit on whoever’s couch watching TV, eating, or playing games against each other.</p><p> </p><p>The more Josh and Ken spent more time together, the stronger and more intimate their bond became. Ken depended on Josh to keep him in line, tell him if he was overbearing, and keep him company on days he felt anxious. Josh received support from Ken on his studies and projects and reminded Josh to have a better work-life balance. When they were apart, they had their hands full with their careers. Yet when they were together, it was natural for them to gravitate toward each other. They would hold hands and seek each other’s warmth. They went on dates in the privacy of their homes, even share a few kisses on occasion.</p><p> </p><p>These changes did not feel significant. At least, not to Josh. That was why it often surprised him whenever people comment that he seemed happier or more inspired. He never knew what to tell them, except that he was seeing someone.</p><p> </p><p>When Justin asked Josh about their label was one day, the engineer chuckled and said, “You know, I asked Ken the same thing last night.”</p><p> </p><p>“And what did he say?” Justin pressed, eyes squinting in suspicion. He was still suspicious about the idol despite Josh’s insistence that there was no need to be so mistrusting.</p><p> </p><p>“He said we were ‘exclusively dating’,” Josh replied with a laugh.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t feel comfortable with that.”</p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p> </p><p>“I feel like he’s still just avoiding commitment. I don’t like it,” the younger engineer pouted.</p><p> </p><p>“Justin, this is just you being biased against Ken,” Josh explained with a smile.</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe it is, but you know why.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hm… I can’t really defend someone who isn’t here. You should talk to him about it.”</p><p> </p><p>It was a half-meant joke that Josh proposed. He knew Justin had a strong negative evaluation of  Ken, and Josh thought only acquaintance would fix it. But Justin was a little stubborn on his own. When he disliked something, he would dislike it all the way.</p><p> </p><p>That was why Josh was surprised when his younger friend said, “Then… Let’s have dinner sometime.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re doing it? Really?”</p><p> </p><p>Justin nodded. “I know it’s something you’ve been wanting me to do, anyway.”</p><p> </p><p>“Haha, was I that obvious?” Josh asked, bumping Justin’s shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>It turned out that Ken had also been thinking about meeting Justin. For reasons unknown to the engineer, Ken became adamant to schedule their dinner when he heard Justin wanted to talk. He asked at least once a day until they found a date when they were all free. Ken immediately booked a private room at a local family restaurant for the three of them.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>On the day of their dinner, the atmosphere was awkward. Josh, Ken, and Justin were quiet for the first ten minutes while they waited for the food to arrive. Justin was stiff, and Ken was aloof. Josh would have laughed if he did not see how the two of them were serious about talking. He decided they needed some time alone, so Josh excused himself to follow up on their orders.</p><p> </p><p>As he thought, Justin spoke as soon as the door closed. Josh put his ears behind the door to listen in on their overly-tense conversation.</p><p> </p><p>“Look, I don’t want to be the anti-hero here,” said the younger engineer, “but would you mind telling me what you’re waiting for?”</p><p> </p><p>“You could be more specific, you know,” Ken replied with a level voice.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not his boyfriend yet, but you’re acting like one. I’m worried this might end up like the last time.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken paused for a little while before responding.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m waiting for the right timing.”</p><p> </p><p>“Which means?”</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe… when we’re both less bogged down with work. You know?”</p><p> </p><p>“That could take forever!” Justin hissed, sounding indignant.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not just up to me! <em>You’re</em> his labmate! You know he’s got those two project things. And I have my concert tour!”</p><p> </p><p>“That sounds like you’re making excuses…”</p><p> </p><p>Josh heard Ken sigh. “Look, I know I don’t have the best track record when it comes to relationships,” he began. “But I don’t want to mess this thing up because I’m in a hurry. I’ve fucked up before. Not this time. Not again.”</p><p> </p><p>“Then do you—?”</p><p> </p><p>“You have a lot of questions,” Ken complained. “Are you his father or something?”</p><p> </p><p>“Kuya Josh is important to me!”</p><p> </p><p>“Alright, alright. Go ahead.”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you like him?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken was quiet for a short while before he answered.</p><p> </p><p>“Once, Josh told me there were many different kinds of ‘like’,” he said. “I don’t know if my ‘like’ for him meets your standards, but I know this is different from how I felt about him before. It’s… I can’t explain it. It’s like… No love song in the world’s told about a love like this.”</p><p> </p><p>There was a slight pause before Ken continued.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, these are all just words. I’m not actually sure if I’ll be able to make him happy,” Ken continued. “There’s a lot about me that might hurt Josh in the future. Heck, I might even be hurting him right now. Honestly, I don’t even know why he likes me. He should’ve gotten rid of me when he got the chance.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken paused again.</p><p> </p><p>“But Josh… I think he’ll kill me if I tell him that. Then, he’ll feel bad. I can’t hurt him anymore. And I like him too much to stay away from him, anyway. I feel like… I’m the best version of myself with him around.</p><p> </p><p>“I won’t ask you to like me. But I want to get along with you because I know that would make Josh happy.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh leaned on the door, surprised. Ken had always been sly and playful; he teases Josh to no end about many things. He was more annoying than romantic. It was strange for him to sound so serious. Hearing Ken say those words made Josh feel… loved.</p><p> </p><p>Josh took his time following up their order to calm down. When he got back to their private room, Ken and Justin seemed finished with their discussion. They were just sitting there quiet but no longer awkward.</p><p> </p><p>Josh sat down beside Ken and gave him a smirk. Under the table, he took Ken’s hand and held it tight.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Just as Ken became supportive of Josh’s career, Josh tried to be more present in Ken’s events. Most of the time, they go to his guestings together. Sometimes, Josh just surprises him on set. Ken dons a stupidly happy face every single time.</p><p> </p><p>The first time Josh surprised him at work was on a Saturday. Ken was busy rehearsing for his concert. Josh had become close to Ken’s staff over the months, so he asked some of them to allow him to buy their team an afternoon snack. Josh took Justin with him and ordered coffee and rice cakes for about thirty people.</p><p> </p><p>Disbelief was apparent in Ken’s face when he saw Josh’s reflection on the large studio mirrors. He immediately stopped dancing and turned around to double-check. The rest of his dancers and the staff paused, too.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey—what? What the hell?” Ken asked, looking confused but happy. His director and choreographer gave him two minutes to greet Josh.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you saying I’m not welcome?” Josh asked, grinning at him.</p><p> </p><p>“No, you are. But—” Ken chuckled when Josh took one cup of iced coffee for himself, “—aren’t you busy? Don’t you have work?”</p><p> </p><p>“Day off. Justin, too.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh. Hey, Justin…”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, Ken…”</p><p> </p><p>“What time do you finish?”</p><p> </p><p>“In a few hours, sorry. We still have the second and third productions to practice,” Ken answered.</p><p> </p><p>Josh nodded. “I see… I’ll come back later, then. Do you want to have dinner?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken smiled like it was the best idea he has heard in a while. “Sure. Let’s order something for takeout.”</p><p> </p><p>“Alright. Text me when you’re done.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I will. Thanks for the snacks.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh sipped from his iced coffee one. “Practice hard.”</p><p> </p><p>They looked at each other for a split second. Josh was taken aback, freezing for a second when Ken leaned in closer to his face. Just when Josh prepared himself for a kiss, the idol ducked down and drank from Josh’s straw.</p><p> </p><p>Ken gave Josh a cheeky smile. “I’ll see you later…” he said and turned his heel to go back to his rehearsal. Josh was dumbstruck for one second before he could gather himself and walk away.</p><p> </p><p>As they walked out of the building, Justin said, “I was wrong about him.”</p><p> </p><p>“Wrong? About what?”</p><p> </p><p>“Ken…” his friend said. “He’s in love. He had hearts in his eyes and everything.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh chuckled, but he could feel his face heat up. He knew that. He could tell. Still, hearing someone say it to him made him feel warm inside.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Ken’s surprises, though, were not so surprising anymore. He would often send Josh and his labmates coffee or pizza. It became a semi-regular thing that his labmates once asked Josh who his ‘rich older girlfriend’ was. Calmly sipping his coffee, Josh just smiled at them and said it was a ‘rich younger man’ he was seeing.</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes, Ken would be more daring.</p><p> </p><p>Josh had been working alone late at night one time. He had not left the lab in twenty-four hours working on the finishing touches to their ventilator project. His team members looked like they were two steps away from kicking the bucket, so Josh let them go home first. As the assistant project leader, he felt responsible for completing their task before work resumed the next day.</p><p> </p><p>“I have a delivery for one Engr. Santos?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh jumped, almost dropping his favorite screwdriver when the voice boomed through the empty laboratory. He yelled in surprise and turned towards the direction it came from.</p><p> </p><p>Ken was closing the door behind him, carrying a lunchbox and a thermos in his hands.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey…” he greeted. “So, you <em>are </em>alone…”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey—<em>what</em>—Ken? What are you doing here?!”</p><p> </p><p>“Delivery for Engr. Santos!” the idol joked, bellowing. “A little bird told me you’ve been cooped up in your den without proper sleep or rest.”</p><p> </p><p>“And is that little bird’s name ‘Justin’?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken chuckled and approached. When he got to Josh’s workspace, he ran a hand through Josh’s hair and kissed the crown of his head.</p><p> </p><p>“Ugh… Babe, you smell horrible.”</p><p> </p><p>“Wow. Thanks for the compliment,” Josh replied, pushing him away. The kiss did not surprise him so much as the pet name. “Where did you pick up the ‘babe’?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken blushed.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh… Well…” he muttered. “It slipped out, I guess.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh cocked an eyebrow.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s… just something,” Ken answered. “Cheezy, right?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh snickered. “<em>Totally</em>…”</p><p> </p><p>“Haha, sorry. I’ll stop.”</p><p> </p><p>“Nah, it’s fine…” Josh told him. “I’m okay with it.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken grinned before pulling Josh up from his work stool. “Come on. You need to eat…”</p><p> </p><p>“Right. Did you cook that?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yep!”</p><p> </p><p>“Perfect,” Josh beamed, then kissed his cheek. “Thanks… <em>babe</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>They both cringed but did not correct it.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>If people asked Josh how they got there, he would probably not have the right answer. He had spent so much time one-sidedly pining after Ken that he did not have an explanation. They bickered and teased each other a lot, so how in the world they ended up in Josh’s room and getting greedy with their hands and lips was a mystery.</p><p> </p><p>It was a mystery, but Josh did not care to think about it yet. Not when Ken pulled him by the collar into a deep and passionate kiss. Josh could only reply with kisses of his own.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Ow</em>, stop pulling my hair!” Ken complained, pulling away and leaving a thick string of saliva between his lips and Josh.</p><p> </p><p>The engineer wiped his mouth with the back of his hand but still clung to the idol.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m telling you to listen, dumbass,” Josh hissed.</p><p> </p><p>Ken retorted by pushing Josh to the mattress. “What? Don’t tell me you want to stop <em>now</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m—<em>ack</em>—Are you sure?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken looked up from kissing Josh’s neck, impatient. “What the fuck? <em>Really</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s just—I mean, I know you haven’t done it with guys.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken just gave him a wicked grin. “I’ve been studying…”</p><p> </p><p>“Porn doesn’t count, dork.”</p><p> </p><p>“Can you <em>please</em> stop overthinking for a few minutes?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken looked down and met Josh’s eyes, his dark chocolate orbs almost gleaming orange in the lamplight as if there were a furnace burning beneath them.</p><p> </p><p>In all their years of friendship, Josh had seen Ken don different expressions. He could be smiling, confident, cocky, playful, or aloof. The man was an idol and shared his whole being with the rest of the world. But Ken had a warm and sensual side that he showed only to Josh. That part of Ken was his alone.</p><p> </p><p>Ken kissed him again, hurried and no longer waiting for Josh to say another thing else. The other gave up trying. He just let his hands wander before his brain could stop him again.</p><p> </p><p>Josh could feel his head spin. He did not know it was possible to feel both overwhelming bliss and lust at the same time. It felt as if he had been starving for so long, and he was finally at a banquet.</p><p> </p><p>Josh pulled Ken’s shirt over his head and threw it to the floor. His heart pounded against his chest as he stared at the canvas of skin in front of him. Josh licked his lips before attacking Ken’s sternum, the other arching as Josh left fire where his lips touched.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Fuck</em>, J-Josh…” Ken moaned in a breathy voice. The neediness in his voice only made Josh want to tease him more. Josh grazed his teeth around Ken’s chest before focusing his attention on one nipple.</p><p> </p><p>Ken pulled back, trembling. He grabbed the back of Josh’s hair to crash their lips together, surprising Josh when he bit down hard at Josh’s lower lip. Josh growled, but neither of them was eager to separate.</p><p> </p><p>Ken was halfway through ridding Josh of his shirt when a loud ringing echoed through the room.</p><p> </p><p><em>Ring</em>!</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Whawuzzat</em>?” Josh spoke through Ken’s lips biting at his.</p><p> </p><p>“Ignore it,” replied the idol.</p><p> </p><p><em>Ring</em>! <em>Riiiiiiiiiiiing</em>!</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t—<em>ah</em>—Don’t you have to ans—<em>argh, fuck</em>—answer that?” Josh gasped, trying to push Ken away.</p><p> </p><p>The idol just shook his head and continued leaving a trail of sloppy kisses all over Josh’s chest. His phone continued to ring.</p><p> </p><p>“But what if—<em>Ken seriously</em>, <em>ah</em>—could be important!”</p><p> </p><p>The idol paused and gave Josh an annoyed glare. “Babe, what could be more important than this?!”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Your concert</em>!” replied Josh in a loud voice, covering Ken’s face with both hands when the idol tried to kiss him again. Josh began to sit up, making Ken move back, pouting.</p><p> </p><p>Annoyed, the idol fished for his phone from his back pocket and put it to his ear. He gave an irritated, “<em>What do you want</em>?” before sitting on the edge of the bed. Josh grabbed his shirt and threw it over his head.</p><p> </p><p>The conversation was brief, but Josh knew it was serious when Ken became quiet during the call. When it ended, the idol groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose.</p><p> </p><p>“What is it?” Josh asked.</p><p> </p><p>“They’re sending me a new version of a track for the concert. I thought it’d been finalized, but it <em>hasn’t</em>, apparently.”</p><p> </p><p>“What?! But your concert is in two days!”</p><p> </p><p>“I know,” he groaned, defeated. “I’m going to kill Sejun.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, damn… That sounds like a lot of work.”</p><p> </p><p>“Just a little. Sejun knows I can handle it. That’s why he’s like this,” Ken replied. He stood up and picked up his shirt from the floor. “But I need to get home so I can review it ASAP.”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course…”</p><p> </p><p>Ken looked back at him, a little sheepish and awkward. “Sorry. I know I was… We were… You know…”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine. No worries. Uh…”</p><p> </p><p>“Uh… <em>right</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>There was a dry tension in the atmosphere that lingered as Josh walked Ken to his door. The sober realization of what they both wanted to happen dawned on them. They were quiet.</p><p> </p><p>Ken put his cap on and looked at Josh with his lips pressed into a straight line. Josh just gave him a small wave goodbye.</p><p> </p><p>“Drive safe,” Josh said.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, yeah… Thanks, er…<em> Yeah</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“Good night…”</p><p> </p><p>“G’night.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh watched with his arms crossed over his chest while Ken grabbed the door’s brass handle slowly. They would see each other again the next day, but parting still did not feel quite right.</p><p> </p><p>Ken stopped, looked back at Josh, then approached him.</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken paused. “One last kiss,” Ken leaned in to give him a quick kiss. When he pulled back, he smiled contentedly. “Alright, I’m satisfied... Good night!”</p><p> </p><p>“Good… <em>grief</em>,” Josh mumbled as the door clicked shut behind the idol.</p><p> </p><p>It had only been around four months since Josh and Ken began to date. They did not do anything grand, but Josh treasured every moment. He had been so happy he could not remember a time he had been more content. His career was flourishing. His social circle was supportive, and he had a best friend who was also his significant other.</p><p> </p><p>Everything they were waiting to pass was passing. Josh and his team would be launching their project in a few weeks, and he was already looking at several technology companies to apply for. Ken’s concert tour would be kicking off in two days, marking another milestone in his career. All the different, jagged, seemingly-mismatched pieces of the puzzle were falling into place. They were living their best lives, but they still preferred to live with each other than without.</p><p> </p><p>Josh felt calm. Serene. Secure. He felt like he and Ken were standing on solid ground. And he felt like maybe—<em>maybe</em> this time—they would finally be together. They would be each other’s.</p><p> </p><p>The thought brought warmth to Josh’s chest. It was this warmth that gave him the urge to take out a pen and a writing pad from his bag and begin scribbling. For the first time in a few years, Josh began to write a song.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>im… i cant even… TTATT<br/>next chapter will be the last OFFICIAL chapter before two bonus stories (yaaay!)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. 3AM track nine (final track)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>last OFFICIAL chapter. are you ready?!</p><p>this final chapter is based off a prompt from both @stellberrycake and @TitangRobin some time ago. i tweaked it a little bit so it would fit right into the storyline. anyway, please enjoy~!</p><p>chapter contains: fluff; romance; maybe a little bit of crack? mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>making it home</h1><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>1:23PM<br/>To: Josh<br/></strong>You’re coming to the concert,<br/>right?</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p><strong>1:33PM<br/>To: Josh<br/></strong>You’d better be there tonight!!!</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p><strong>1:43PM<br/>To: Josh<br/></strong>If I don’t see you at the VVIP<br/>seating, Josh Cullen, I swear!!!</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p><strong>1:53PM<br/>To: Josh<br/></strong>Text me back when you read<br/>this. Say, ‘I’m going, babe’.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p><strong>2:03PM<br/>To: Josh<br/></strong>Give me a, ‘Good luck, babe’ ☹</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p><strong>2:07PM<br/>From: Josh<br/></strong>KEN FUCKING SUSON<br/>I GOT IT. NO NEED TO<br/>REMIND ME EVERY 10<br/>MINUTES</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p><strong>2:08PM<br/>From: Josh<br/></strong>I’LL SEE YOU<br/>TONIGHT GEEZ LOUISE</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p><strong>2:09PM<br/>From: Josh<br/></strong>DON’T WORRY TOO MUCH.<br/>I’M SURE YOU’LL BE<br/>GREAT! GOOD LUCK!</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p><strong>2:10PM<br/>From: Josh<br/></strong>😗</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>Ken sneered at the last message. Josh complained but Ken knew he was secretly pleased at the annoyance. Sure, they bickered and teased each other every chance they got, but Ken liked to think it was one of the charms of their relationship. Or Ken called it a relationship. He had not talked to Josh about it yet.</p><p> </p><p>“Yet” being the operative word. For the past four months, Ken had gotten used to their new dynamic. A lot of times, they would be busy with their own things. But with every chance they got, they spent time with each other. Josh had slept over at his place a lot. Ken crashed at the engineer’s often. Neither of them addressed the elephant in the room, but Ken did not mind. He already made plans.</p><p> </p><p>After putting it off for so long, Ken finally felt it was time. Once the show is over, he would take Josh to a late-night street food joint. Then, while they ate kwek-kwek in his car, he would casually ask Josh to be his boyfriend.</p><p> </p><p>It was simple. It was brilliant. And after four months of stacking his chips, Ken knew there was no way Josh would say ‘no’.</p><p> </p><p>Was planning it that way considered cheating? Would Josh hate him if he played it like that? Ken had no idea. All he knew was there was a peaceful confirmation in his heart every time Josh smiled at him. It was enough to encourage him, to push him into action.</p><p> </p><p>Excitement and anticipation blossomed at the pit of his stomach. It mixed with the anxiety and his concert jitters. Ken endured it through getting his makeup done and attending the pre-concert meeting.</p><p> </p><p>When it was time to start the show, the idol scanned the area where he knew Josh would sit. Just knowing he was there made Ken feel twice as nervous going into his opening number than all his previous shows combined.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Ken did a final turn before striking a pose. Bright pyrotechnics lit the stage and the crowd grew ballistic, screaming his name and raising their lightsticks in the air.</p><p> </p><p>It was strange. There was a sea of unfamiliar faces below Ken. But when the cheering roared, and the light dimmed, he found himself staring eye to eye with Josh near the front row.</p><p> </p><p>Ken panted, catching his breath after his production number. He grinned. Josh grinned back. Ken looked away.</p><p> </p><p>There was still over an hour of his concert left. He should probably stop glancing over at Josh’s direction. If he does, he might die of a heart attack.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>A collective scream pierced through Ken’s monitor as he walked from the main stage to the circular center stage. He was all smiles in his white tuxedo, taking one confident step after another. Around him, the audience seemed to move like waves in an electric blue ocean.</p><p> </p><p>The idol sang a slow love song, waving one hand while the other carried a basketful of roses on stalks. Every few seconds, he would pick one, look around, and then throw it to the audience below him. Every time a lucky fan caught a rose, the crowd let out an excited cry.</p><p> </p><p>Ken loved his fans. He loved to see them happy. Just hearing their joyful squeals made Ken throw one rose after another.</p><p> </p><p>When it was time to give away the last one, Ken made his way back to the main stage. He turned to where he knew Josh was, scanning the crowd while holding the stalk in his fingers. The crowd called up to him with high-pitched shrieks, raising their hands to receive the coveted last rose. When he thought he saw Josh, Ken gave the flower one last kiss before throwing it into the crowd in the engineer’s direction.</p><p> </p><p>Josh did not get it, but Ken guessed it was the thought that counted.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>By the third set, Ken could not see Josh anymore. Either it was because of the lights or his tired eyes, he did not know. It was disappointing that he could not see the person he most wanted to sing to.</p><p> </p><p>Still, Ken strummed his guitar and sang.</p><p> </p><p>Josh was there. Ken knew. And because he was, Ken could sing all the love songs with as much heartfelt emotion as he could.</p><p> </p><p>Josh would hear it, wherever in the audience he was. When he did, Ken hoped he knew he meant every word.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Ken might have been crying so hard he was laughing. Or, he could have been laughing so hard he cried. Either way, the sound of the audience cheering at the end of his concert made him tear up and laugh out loud at the same time. Like every performance for the past decade, Ken reveled in the feeling of being adored. But at that moment, it felt special because he knew the people in the crowd loved him for himself. Every thing about him and without exception.</p><p> </p><p>The first leg of Ken’s concert tour was finally over. The idol waved as he casually wiped his tears with his sleeve. He was bowing and clapping hands with the other performers on the stage, listening to what the host announced over the microphone.</p><p> </p><p>“And we have some flowers for Ken. Thank you very much to those who sent them,” said the host in a pleasant voice that was still drowned by the cacophony of shrieks and intelligible screams.</p><p> </p><p>The performers parted to give space to the staff carrying bouquets and gifts. Ken ran through the rest of the program in his head: a photo op, meet and greet, and then a post-concert dinner he planned on ditching. Ken heaved a sigh as he accepted one bouquet after another, knowing it meant he would see Josh in a little while.</p><p> </p><p>“Congratulations…” said a man hiding behind an impressive bouquet of roses. Ken almost jumped, his eyes going wide in surprise seeing a familiar mop of black hair.</p><p> </p><p>“What the hell?” Ken might have cried with the lapel still hanging on his ear. He laughed when he heard his voice echoing through the crowded arena.</p><p> </p><p>Josh emerged from behind the flowers, laughing, too.</p><p> </p><p>“Your mic’s still on!” he teased. Ken ignored him, then gave him a side hug.</p><p> </p><p>“I know,” the idol grinned, putting the lapel further from his mouth. “What the hell?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh threw his head back, laughing with a victorious look on his face. “I asked if I could hand you a bouquet.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken did not even bother to hide the grin on his face. “I could kiss you right now.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Shhh</em>! You’re still on stage!”</p><p> </p><p>Ken pouted but led Josh down to the front where the rest of the staff were. He did not say anything more as they took the photo, but Josh took Ken’s hand and held it tight behind everyone else’s backs.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Somehow, Josh managed to escape Ken.</p><p> </p><p>More than an hour had passed since the concert ended. Staff members were running around to retrieve and pack up their things, costumes, equipment, and props. Josh waited in Ken’s dressing room while the idol did a quick meet and greet with his fans and met with the organizers. They had planned to leave together to get dinner, but Josh was nowhere to be found when Ken went back.</p><p> </p><p>Post-concerts were usually chaotic, and the engineer knew this. He was probably somewhere trying to help or staying out of the way. Knowing him, Ken bet his money on the former.</p><p> </p><p>Fishing for his phone from his luggage, Ken dialed and put the phone to his ear. Josh picked up almost immediately.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, where are you?” Ken asked through the bustle on his side of the line.</p><p> </p><p>“Haha, make a guess,” Josh teased.</p><p> </p><p>“What? I seriously hope you’re not back at home?”</p><p> </p><p>“No. I’m onstage.”</p><p> </p><p>“Like, the <em>main </em>stage?” Ken was already making his way past the crowd to the stage, pulling a black baseball cap over his face. “What are you doing back there?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s a secret…” Josh chuckled. “Come over here and find out.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken just scoffed and dropped the call. He walked down the hallway, past the backstage, and emerged through the thick black curtains to the dim-lit main stage. About five people were still there, rolling wires back in organized loops and placing equipment back in their containers.</p><p> </p><p>Josh was on the left corner, sitting on a row of equipment boxes. He was frowning as he tried to strum a ukulele, his eyebrows pushed towards the center in a bushy, black ‘V’.</p><p> </p><p>For a short while, Ken watched with an amused expression as Josh struggled with his instrument. He did not know where Josh got it. Ken did not even know the engineer played the ukulele.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey…” Ken greeted him with a confident grin.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, hey!”</p><p> </p><p>“Shouldn’t we get going?”</p><p> </p><p>“No. Let’s stay for a bit longer.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh scooted over so Ken could sit beside him. They stared in front of them at the wide arena bathed in a dull ginger glow. There were muffled sounds of the crowd outside, staff running frantically backstage, and the creaking and pounding of equipment dragged and dropped everywhere. As they waited for the noise to pass, they sat in silence, listening to each other’s breaths.</p><p> </p><p>“So… congratulations on your successful concert?” Josh began after some time, not looking at Ken but the bleachers. Several lights had been turned off, and the staff were almost done packing up.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, I’m not done yet,” Ken answered. He leaned back on both hands, stretching his legs. “I still have nine more to go.”</p><p> </p><p>“But you’re off to a good start. I’m proud of you.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken grinned. “Is that all you wanted to say?”</p><p> </p><p>“I can never get anything past you, can I?”</p><p> </p><p>“After eight years? You wish.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh sighed, then placed the ukulele in his arms again. Glancing at Ken, he said, “So… I wrote you a song.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Weh</em>?” Ken teased with a look of disbelief.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m serious, dork,” he retorted, strumming his ukulele. “Now, do you want to hear it or not?”</p><p> </p><p>“What? You’re singing?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes. I want to make it rain,” Josh joked. “But don’t laugh, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“I can’t promise that…”</p><p> </p><p>Josh just rolled his eyes. He cleared his throat, giving an exaggerated cough. Then, Josh placed his fingers on the ukulele one by one, playing it like it was the most challenging chore he had done. It was obvious he had only learned to play recently. Still, as Josh sang in an off-tune melody and choppy strumming, Ken felt his heart skip several beats.</p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>“<em>I hope you don’t mind. I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words</em>,” Josh slowly in an attempt to get the chords right, “<em>how wonderful life is whilr you’re in the world</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>The wide grin on his face began to tremble as Ken smiled for too long. He knew he must look uncool, having a stupid smile plastered on his face, but he could not help it. He did not.</p><p> </p><p>Writing a song, singing it, and learning to play an instrument in who knows how many days must not have been an easy feat. But Josh did it. Like everything he, Josh must have given it his all. Ken could not help but be amazed and admire the man even more.</p><p> </p><p>For the millionth time since they met, Josh proved that he was the best thing that happened in Ken’s life. Perhaps it was a good accident or the gods favoring Ken’s pitiful soul because they knew he needed someone with him. The universe gave him Josh. He was Ken’s constant, his major plot twist, and his greatest blessing. Because of him, the idol learned. He grew. And Ken continued to flourish as Josh showed him he could be more than he ever thought himself.</p><p> </p><p>Most of all, Josh showed Ken to love and be loved. Josh pointed him to the direction where love was true. Be it from his friends, his colleagues, his fans, or Josh himself, Ken found that he was surrounded by the love he refused to believe in the past.</p><p> </p><p>Love was a boundless, limitless ocean, Ken found. The ocean was so deep and wide, not running out at all. Ken once though that love was Josh’s ocean, but he realized he was wrong. Josh himself did not contain it; he was just a huge part of what Ken thought about when he hears the word ‘love’. And that love was so overwhelming, so filling, Ken could not help but give it back, like a narrow river making it home to the sea.</p><p> </p><p>Josh looked up at Ken with an embarrassed expression, waiting for a response.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey… Say something…” Josh said a while after the song ended.</p><p> </p><p>“Uhm… What’s the song called?”</p><p> </p><p>“‘Your Song’.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s it?”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s it… Bad title?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken chuckled. “It’s… okay… <em>I guess</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“And…?” Josh dragged the word out, hoping to get more from him.</p><p> </p><p>“Uhm… You need to work on your vocals?” The engineer glared. Ken’s expression melted to a smile. “I honestly… don’t know what to say.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re a bad judge.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s why I don’t judge singing contests.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh heaved a sigh.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright… I’ll cut to the chase,” he huffed. Turning on his side to face Ken, he smushed the idol’s cheeks with one hand and said, “Ken Suson, you big idiot… Will you be my boyfriend?”</p><p> </p><p>There was a short pause.</p><p> </p><p>Ken stared. Josh stared back.</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>“What…?”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>What</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>“I asked if you would be my boyfriend,” Josh repeated.</p><p> </p><p>Ken leaned back in disbelief. “But… Wait—<em>did you just ask the million-peso question</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>“Why? Did <em>you </em>want to ask it?”</p><p> </p><p>“I was going to! <em>Ugh</em>!” The idol ran his hand down his face. “I was going to take us to dinner and then to some kwek-kwek before finally asking <em>you</em> to be my boyfriend! And now… Well, <em>now, what am I supposed to do</em>?!”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know! Why are you asking me?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken groaned.</p><p> </p><p>The groan turned into a humored chuckle. He really could not beat Josh. Well, Ken guessed it would not be too bad to lose to him, not when he had the whole world to gain from it.</p><p> </p><p>Defeated, the idol sighed and pulled back his cap. Then, Ken grabbed Josh’s arms and leaned in to kiss him.</p><p> </p><p>Loud gasps, hushed murmurs, and frantic shuffling of feet erupted from backstage. Josh gave a muffled cry, attempting to pull back to no avail. Ken stubbornly kept their lips together, ignoring Josh’s futile smacks to his shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>Ken finished with a small kiss after breaking their liplock. He smiled at a flustered Josh, who was halfway between bright red and maroon.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you…” Ken said.</p><p> </p><p>Josh gaped. “What…?”</p><p> </p><p>“You heard me,” Ken said. “I said, ‘I love you’.”</p><p> </p><p>The engineer did not say anything as his cheeks turned redder. He blinked at Ken a few more times before chuckling in disbelief.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re unbelievable.”</p><p> </p><p>“So, they say…”</p><p> </p><p>“But, yeah… I love you, too…” Josh sniggered, hiding his mouth with a balled fist. “Sorry, I feel a little awkward right now.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken nodded. He scratched his nape slightly, feeling his cheeks heat up despite his efforts to contain himself. “Uh-huh. It’s a little awkward.”</p><p> </p><p>“Should we just go and get kwek-kwek?”</p><p> </p><p>“Are there still staff watching us?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh shook his head. “No, I saw them disperse after you, uh… After you kissed me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, good,” Ken said, blushing. “Because I didn’t think about how we’d get out of here without seeing them.”</p><p> </p><p>“Me neither… We should probably just leave your things behind and run to your car.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not completely against that idea.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken gave Josh a playful grin. Running away with the man seemed like a good idea. Just run away without a care for the rest of the world. Ken would like that, even for just a few hours.</p><p> </p><p>Josh seemed to have read his mind because the engineer batted his eyelids and said, “You know what? Why don’t we go straight to my place?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken blinked at his meaningful look.</p><p> </p><p>“Is that a euphemism?” he asked.</p><p> </p><p>“No…” Josh answered, whispering in his ear. “Do you want it to be?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes. I’ll take it. Let’s go.”</p><p> </p><p>The idol stood up with a wide smile. He removed his cap then put it on Josh, pulling it down as far as it could go. It may have hidden the other’s eyes and the blush on his cheeks, but not the toothy grin on his face.</p><p> </p><p>Josh stood up after Ken. They walked through the backstage and the hallway embarrassed, aware of the stares and the giddy whispers. Without meeting anyone’s eyes, Ken pulled Josh close to him while the engineer put his head down to hide his face.</p><p> </p><p>When they exited the building, they continued to huddle together as they jogged to Ken’s Altis. Distant shrieks and murmurs followed them, but Ken did not care. Not right then. He simply walked with his head high, feeling light on his feet as if he was walking on the clouds, and his arms around his entire world, smiling.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>//END//</strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Your Song is by Elton John</p><p>p.s., they did not sleep together… josh got hungry and they ended up eating. they still ate kwek-kwek, though. 😊</p><p>if you have made it this far, that means you have just read more than 63 000 words worth of mediocre and unproofed writing. congratulations to you (for reading) and to me (for writing it)!</p><p>i did not expect to get this far. to be honest, i wanted to drop idolXengineer many times for various reasons. the difficult thing about writing this pairing is they are practically a crack pairing. they’re not as romantic or angsty as i am used to writing, so i don’t really know if i was doing well. yes, anxiety has been my good friend for the past couple of months.</p><p>still, i had goals and it was also encouraging to know that people love this duo. their dynamic is new, hopefully refreshing, and i learned a lot as i wrote this. that’s all thanks to you guys for reading. i don’t always say this, but every feedback i get keeps me going forward. thank you for everything.</p><p>so, whether you are a die-hard joken shipper (SHOUTOUT TO JOKERS AND OFC JOKEN, you guys are the bomb), a casual shipper, or a passenger who just got on board this ship, thank you for reading. for someone who just wrote this monster-sized fic, i have run out of words to say except, “THANK YOU FOR READING!”</p><p>i will see you again SOON (??) with a new joken pairing. if you have not already heard, it will be OMEGAVERSE.</p><p>anywhoo! thank again so much for your support. bonus chapters 1 and 2 coming right up!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. bonus chapter one: postmidnight scuffle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the sex chapter. you’re welcome.</p><p>chapter contains: adult supervision is prescribed; this is basically just porn with a plot; these two deserve it; overuse of the word ‘babe/baby’; mild angst; mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>postmidnight scuffle</h1><p> </p><p>Ken parked his car in a basketball court next to an apartment complex, feeling sly. He had just flown in from the last leg of his nationwide concert tour. The past three months found him traveling back and forth, one city to another, singing and dancing to the tangible fruits of his passion. Ken loved the post-concert high, loved his fans dearly, but after months of this, he was finally done. He could rest.</p><p> </p><p>On any other day, the idol would have gone straight home to his huge, comfy bed, sipping beer as he stared at the cityscape from his bedroom window; but he had a boyfriend now. As much as Ken loved the taste of beer and the twinkling city lights, he loved his boyfriend more. And he wanted to surprise said boyfriend with an unannounced visit.</p><p> </p><p>Josh, as he always had been, was the best damned thing Ken could ever want. He was cool, smart, and funny. He was passionate about his work and understanding about Ken’s. Even while Ken became too busy with his concert, shows, and interviews, Josh would just shrug and say, “This is what I signed up for.” He would sulk for two minutes and spoiling him rotten afterward was a secret hobby Ken liked to do.</p><p> </p><p>Spoiling Josh, of course, meant surprises. The man would never say it, but Ken knew Josh liked surprises. Be it visits, picking him up from work, or sending coffee to his lab, Josh was the type to get stupid happy with the smallest things. His favorite surprise gifts were <em>kwek-kwek </em>and <em>isaw</em>, two things that Ken carried in a plastic bag as he walked to Josh’s apartment.</p><p> </p><p>Ken was excited as he crossed the hallway to Josh’s unit. He could already imagine the surprised look on Josh’s face once he arrives. For sure, the engineer would cry, “<em>Oh</em>!” and his eyes would crinkle at the sides as his lips would split into a grin. Ken would jog to him, lay his hands on Josh’s waist and slip his tongue between those beautiful parted lips—</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Oh</em>!<em> Ooh</em>…!”</p><p> </p><p>The voice made Ken stop in his tracks as the main door clicked shut behind him. An eerie silence enveloped the dark and empty apartment, interrupted only by the raspy moaning that came from Josh’s room.</p><p> </p><p><em>What the hell was that</em>?</p><p> </p><p>Ken was about to call out when he heard Josh’s voice again.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Oh</em>…<em> Mmh</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>Involuntary shivers coursed through Ken from head to toe. That was a sound that was sure to give anyone ideas. Did he hear that right? Ken tried to come up with a more plausible explanation for the but failed. After all, he had walked in on Josh in a similar situation before. Could anyone blame him if the moaning sent his mind rolling in the gutter?</p><p> </p><p>Ken’s hand balled into a fist. The last time it happened, Josh brought someone home with him. The idol did not want to jump to conclusions, but he would definitely raise hell if it was happening again.</p><p> </p><p>Ken walked with feline stealth to the half-open door, his heartbeat drumming in his ears every time he registered a gasp and a moan in his ears. He peeked through the crack, trying to make sense of the scene. It took his mind two seconds before he could finally understand what he was seeing.</p><p> </p><p>Josh was naked on his bed, face buried into a pillow. He had his hand knuckle-deep into his ass that he raised up the air in a weirdly erotic position. His hips rolled back onto nothing as he fingered himself, his other hand playing with his own cock. Ken could not see his face, but by the sounds he was making, the idol could only imagine the look of ecstasy on it.</p><p> </p><p>So, Josh was alone. <em>Good</em>. Ken felt a little embarrassed thinking Josh would cheat on him. Why would Josh do that, anyway? Just because he had slept around while pining for Ken for years did not mean he would continue doing that. They were in a relationship. Josh was happy with him.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Ah</em>! <em>Oh—gods—Ken</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>And apparently, Ken was the one Josh thought about in his sexual fantasies. It was not unexpected, but Ken was still surprised. He wondered what he was doing in Josh’s mind to make him keen like that. He wondered if the fantasy version of himself was able to satisfy the man on that bed. He wondered if <em>any</em> of the guys he had been with have.</p><p> </p><p>Just the thought of Josh being fucked by someone else annoyed Ken a little. At himself, mostly.</p><p> </p><p>As Ken continued to watch, his bubbling anger shifted to growing arousal. He has had his fair share of sexual encounters in the past but watching Josh finger-fuck himself takes the cake. There was something enticing about seeing a man who is usually put together come apart. It made spit pool inside Ken’s mouth. For months, he and Josh had tried and failed to get intimate. Work and the other commitments they had made it even harder.</p><p> </p><p>Ken felt a distinct twitch in his pants.</p><p> </p><p><em>Yup, definitely hard</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Ke—Coming</em>! <em>Ken</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>Ken watched as Josh’s movements became hurried, his cries became louder, and his shivers shook his thighs until he came on the sheets. He gave a few more pumps before he slumped face-down on the bed, panting heavily. Josh heaved a satisfied sigh.</p><p> </p><p>Josh looked beautiful as he curled up on the bed, wrapping his arms around his body. The glistening sweat all over his body made him seem almost surreal, and Ken stared a little bit longer to adore his figure.</p><p> </p><p>Man, he must really be in love with Josh. Just watching the engineer lay there naked was a huge turn-on.</p><p> </p><p>Josh also looked a little lonely, and the heavy burden in Ken’s chest was back again.</p><p> </p><p><em>I want to touch him</em>, Ken thought. Like had always wanted to. He knew Josh wanted it just as much. What was stopping him was a mere three strides from the door to Josh’s bed, an easy distance compared to the years they both had to endure apart.</p><p> </p><p>Ken padded through the room as quietly as he could. Just when Josh was about to turn around, Ken lay on top of him, trying to make his body fill in the curves of Josh’s back.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Who—What</em>?!” came his boyfriend’s frantic cries.</p><p> </p><p>Ken buried his face in Josh’s nape and kissed it. “Did you come well, babe?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh almost elbowed him. He flinched when he realized who it was.</p><p> </p><p>“What—<em>Ken</em>?!”</p><p> </p><p>“Hm… Did you miss me that much?” Ken whispered against the back of his ear.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Waitwaitwaitwait</em>!” the man below him mumbled. Josh tried to get up, but Ken pinned him down with his weight. “Wait—<em>did you just</em>—<em>how long have you been here</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>“Long enough…”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Holy fu</em>—I didn’t hear you!”</p><p> </p><p>“Because you were so loud…” Ken told him. “Really loud. I like that.”</p><p> </p><p>“Is that why you’re pretty much humping my thigh?”</p><p> </p><p>“What? It’s unfair that you’re the only one who gets to have fun!” As Ken said this, he flipped him over so they were staring face to face. “Aren’t you gonna welcome me back?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh was beet red when Ken finally saw his face. His blush was so deep, he looked like he glowed in the dim light. Ken watched Josh’s face crumple, embarrassment evident in his orbs of chocolate brown.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s up?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh looked away.</p><p> </p><p>“Josh…” Ken pressed. He cupped Josh’s chin so they were eye to eye. “Hey. Tell me… What’s wrong?”</p><p> </p><p>“Just… That was embarrassing.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, baby. That was <em>hot</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh frowned. “You’re… not disgusted, right?”</p><p> </p><p>“Huh?”</p><p> </p><p>“With me,” Josh emphasized. “I don’t… What you saw… It doesn’t gross you out?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken gave him a look. “Why would it gross me out?”</p><p> </p><p>“I dunno… Have you ever done it in the butt?”</p><p> </p><p>“Haha,” Ken gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Babe, you think too much.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ken, don’t be a jerk. This is a big deal for me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Alright, alright. I’m sorry. No, it doesn’t gross me out. It’s new, for sure. But… that wasn’t gross at all. It was so hot. A ten out of ten.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken kissed Josh again, this time on the shell of his ear. “And if you only knew how many times I’ve fucked you in my head, you wouldn’t be like this now…”</p><p> </p><p>In a sweet, soft motion, Ken claimed Josh’s pouted lips. He nipped at it playfully, sucking it the way he knew Josh liked. Ken kept kissing him until Josh kissed back, muffling his moans as the kiss went deeper, more passionate. When Josh hung his arms loosely around Ken’s shoulders, the idol took it to mean the engineer was welcoming his advances.</p><p> </p><p>They pulled apart, but their bodies were pushed so tightly together Ken thought they may have become one.</p><p> </p><p>“I want you,” Ken whispered, ghosting his lips against Josh’s jaw.</p><p> </p><p>“Take me,” Josh breathed out.</p><p> </p><p>Ken kissed along Josh’s neck again, down to his collarbone. In the times he and Josh had made out, Ken knew the engineer’s chest was sensitive, so he took his time scribbling wet patterns all over it with his mouth. Josh gulped when Ken sucked on one nipple while teasing the other between his rough fingers. His legs clamped around Ken’s waist, holding him between his naked thighs.</p><p> </p><p>Josh closed his eyes, concentrating on Ken worshipping the buds on his chest. He tried to even out his breaths, but his composure was betrayed by his raging heartbeat and straining cock against Ken’s stomach.</p><p> </p><p>Ken rolled his hips once.</p><p> </p><p>“Ah—<em>ooh</em>!” Josh cried, his hands grabbing Ken’s ass to get more. “Fuck… Baby, can we just skip this part?”</p><p> </p><p>“You love giving orders, huh?” He sat back to take off his hoodie. Then, he hurried to unbuckle his pants, no longer bothering to take them off. “How’d you wanna do this, babe?”</p><p> </p><p>“Hm…” Josh turned, resuming the position he had taken earlier, and presented himself to Ken like some sort of offering. “Take me like this.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken nodded, unable to answer as his eyes zeroed in on the pale ass cheeks in front of his crotch. He had always thought Josh had a plump butt but seeing them up close made him want to grab them and squeeze them tight.</p><p> </p><p>So, he did.</p><p> </p><p>Ken planted his huge hands on the curves of Josh’s ass, squeezed, pulled them apart. Squeezed. Pulled them apart. Josh keened, jutting his hips onto Ken.</p><p> </p><p>With one experimental push, Ken grabbed Josh by the waist and rolled his clothed erection between the man’s buttocks, drawing out a groan from himself.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, <em>shit</em>…”</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, baby, stop teasing,” Josh whined, gripping the hand Ken had on his waist. “Fuck me… Fuck me raw… I’m ready.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken gulped. <em>What a naughty, naughty lover</em>. Was Josh like this to every other guy he slept with? That would be annoying.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re gonna make me go crazy…” Ken answered him, knowing he was at his last restraints, too. His cock was straining against his jeans, getting uncomfortably tight.</p><p> </p><p>He leaned forward, grabbing the lube at the corner of the bed. Ken held that position, planting his forehead on Josh’s shoulder while he slicked himself up and ghosted his tip over the still sticky hole.</p><p> </p><p>Ken slowly pushed in slowly inch by inch, grabbing Josh’s hand on the bed. Josh clamped around his cock, sucking him in. A little while later, Ken bottomed out and they both sighed.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Fuck</em>…” cursed Ken. Even after his little show earlier, Josh was still sinfully tight. He squeezed around Ken’s cock like he had no intention of having him pull out.</p><p> </p><p>Ken gave a slow first thrust, and they moaned in chorus again. Josh felt hot and tight around him. It was good, though Josh seemed to find him a bit big. He slid in and out a few more times to get Josh used to his size.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Oh—oh—yesss</em>!” Josh hissed in a whispery voice.</p><p> </p><p>“Baby, this is amazing,” Ken whispered behind Josh’s ear. “You’re amazing…!”</p><p> </p><p>“Faster, Ken. Fuck me faster.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken obeyed. He pulled out a little before slamming back forcefully into Josh. The other reciprocated, rolling his hips back and meeting Ken in the middle. After a few more times, they found a good rhythm that was just as Josh liked it.</p><p> </p><p>From where he was, Ken could see the deep flush on Josh’s neck and his ears. Josh gripped the sheets tightly, like he was being punished and pleasured at the same time. Does he moan like that with his fuck buddies, too? Does he say their names in that deep erotic voice like he screams Ken’s name?</p><p> </p><p>A little anger made its way to Ken’s chest. He gave Josh one deep thrust, causing the man below him to buckle. Josh landed with his face on the pillow, hands useless at his sides. Pained moans kept spilling out of the engineer’s lips, right along with continued praises for Ken’s movements.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Oh</em>! <em>Oh—babe—right there—yes</em>!” Josh cried.</p><p> </p><p>“You like this?”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Yes—</em>There—<em>Harder</em>…!”</p><p> </p><p>Josh began to touch his own leaking cock and plopped down on his face into the pillow. He had nothing but appreciative moans as Ken continued to ram into him—faster, deeper, harder. Curses and pleas joined the sound of the bed post scraping the tiled floor.</p><p> </p><p>Everything drove Ken to the edge. As they continued to move, he felt a familiar tightness in his groin threatening to explode.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Uh—Josh</em>!” Ken cried, bucking faster. “Babe—I’m coming!”</p><p> </p><p>Josh reached back to touch Ken’s thigh. “Come inside me, baby—<em>Go ahea</em>—”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, <em>fuck</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>Josh barely finished his sentence when he tightened around Ken, and the idol released his load. Ken let out a guttural groan, biting at Josh’s shoulders as he shivered into his orgasm. As his thrusts slowed down, Josh continued to pump himself, coming for a second time not long after.</p><p> </p><p>Ken pulled out, and Josh collapsed panting on the bed. The other fell on top of him, breathing just as heavily. They took a few seconds to catch their breaths, their heartbeats slowing into a staccato that beat in unison.</p><p> </p><p>Ken did not notice he had been gripping Josh’s hand so tight while they made love. The engineer’s fingers looked short and pale between his. Still, he could not help but think even their hands looked good together. He cast one look at Josh, still red, a little sweaty, and panting. What a sight to behold; one Ken would have wanted for no one else to see.</p><p> </p><p>Ken tried to hug Josh from the back without letting go of his hand.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s with you?” Josh mumbled into his pillow.</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing… I just… That felt great.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh sniggered. “Yeah, but it ended a little too quickly.”</p><p> </p><p>“My boyfriend is such a good fuck, I didn’t stand a chance.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh just chuckled and turned around to face him. Happiness made his face glow, and Ken found himself staring at the blissful smile on Josh’s face. The irritation he had felt lay forgotten for a moment, and he enjoyed the picture afforded to him then: of Josh giving him a smile as bright as the early morning sun.</p><p> </p><p>Ken pressed a kiss at the tip of Josh’s chin then his lips.</p><p> </p><p>“Does this make you happy?” he asked him.</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t know how much,” Josh replied.</p><p> </p><p>Ken looked up at him fondly. “I want to do it again.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why don’t we clean up and eat something first?” Josh suggested. “I’m a little hungry.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, right. I think I brought <em>kwek-kwek</em>, but I’m not sure where I dropped it.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh laughed. “Sure… <em>Kwek-kwek </em>after sex is a thing,” he with a chuckle.</p><p> </p><p>“We could make it a thing.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re crazy…” Josh let out a contented sigh before continuing. “I love you, Ken.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken gave him a goofy grin. “Love you, too, Josh. <em>So much</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>The engineer kissed Ken’s crown when he buried his head into Josh’s chest. Ken took a deep breath. </p><p>For now, he would not ask whether Josh did that to all the other guys he slept with. Ken settled for tightening his hug with the promise he would cherish Josh better than any of them had.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this was challenging for a number of reasons. one, they are the wild, dirty-talking couple which i am not used to writing. two, ken is such a pervert so getting into his head was harder than i thought it would be. and third, josh is such a slut i can’t even with these two. &gt;w&lt;</p><p>anywhoo, this is kinda unresolved. i will tie this loose end in the second bonus chapter! woot!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. bonus chapter two: postmidnight dancing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>chapter contains: mentions of the ceo; angst, angst, angst! slight drama; mediocre + unproofed writing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>postmidnight dancing</h1><p> </p><p>Dinner at <em>Symphonia</em>, taking the scenic route back to Ken’s condo, then making love until morning to the soundtrack of Fifty Shades of Grey—Josh had imagined that was how he and Ken would spend their weekend night together. It was rare for their schedules to match recently, so when they found they had an entire two days free, they made plans to spend them together.</p><p> </p><p>However, Josh watched his fantasies crumble to dust when Ken seemed to have shut down as they ended their dinner.</p><p> </p><p>The idol heaved a tired sigh. Eyes closed as if it was too much trouble to keep them open, he laid his head on the backrest without so much as another word.</p><p> </p><p>Josh watched him with a curious stare. They were fine chatting over their fancy meal. Ken even joked about how unreasonable it was to put edible gold flakes on top of food. Between then and the car ride back, it was like someone flipped a switch and Ken’s mood turned sour.</p><p> </p><p>What could have happened, Josh wanted to know. He quickly hatched a plan to coax a few words from his lover</p><p> </p><p>“Ken, can I turn on the stereo?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken did not answer but hummed. He was unmoving, eyes glued shut even as Josh began to play his slow music.</p><p> </p><p><em>Stubborn</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Josh approached Ken, loosening his tie before letting it fall to the floor and standing in front of his boyfriend on the couch.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you have a headache?” Josh asked, running his hand through Ken’s jet-black locks. The idol just turned his head, leaning away from the touch. “Does it hurt?”</p><p> </p><p>“No,” Ken replied.</p><p> </p><p>“Hm… Then what are you being mopey for?”</p><p> </p><p>At that, the idol opened his eyes. There was irritation in them that told Josh to leave him alone.</p><p> </p><p>The engineer does not heed such warnings, however.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright… What did I do?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken just gave him a steely glare.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s nothing.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re going to be childish about this?” Ken remained quiet. “Hm… Are you sure?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh planted his knee between Ken’s legs on the couch. He flicked his hands in time with the music, before ghosting his digits from Ken’s tousled hair down the bridge of his nose and his lips. The idol gritted his teeth to protest, but Josh just began to draw circles over his chest, the rest of his body flinching from the suggestive touch.</p><p> </p><p>Just when Ken was leaning in, Josh pushed him back onto the couch and danced two steps back.</p><p> </p><p>Ken’s eyes never left Josh’s fingers and hands as he pulled back to slowly unbutton his shirt and leave it open. A fiery hunger lay beneath the cold glare Ken was giving him—<em>look, look, keep looking</em>—and Josh directed his vision from his naked chest to his navel in a teasing motion.</p><p> </p><p><em>Got you</em>, thought Josh when Ken sent him a burning stare. Josh swung his hips one way. Then, the other. It seemed like the music was accompanying his dirty little dance instead of the other way around. He waved his hands up with a flourish before moving them back down to his belt buckle. Ken swallowed audibly when Josh his dress pants fell into a crumpled pile on the floor.</p><p> </p><p>Josh knew Ken was weak to dirty dancing. He had said so himself a long time ago. That was why Josh was confident to use it against him. Ken does not stand a chance.</p><p> </p><p>Josh approached the tense idol with a cat-like swagger, stopping between his legs to whisper into his ear.</p><p> </p><p>“Still not gonna say anything?”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re being unfair…” Ken whined, holding on to Josh’s wrist with an iron grip.</p><p> </p><p>“And you’re being stubborn.” Josh leaned back to give Ken a teasing smirk. He ran a finger down Ken’s dress shirt, making a mental note to pop the buttons off later.</p><p> </p><p>Ken cupped his hands over Josh’s waist, thumbing the elastic of his boxers lightly. He pouted.</p><p> </p><p>“Tell me? <em>Please</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>“You won’t get mad?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh squinted his eyes. “I’ll try not to.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken swallowed.</p><p> </p><p>“After dinner…”</p><p> </p><p>Josh nodded his head. “Yes?”</p><p> </p><p>“Remember what happened?”</p><p> </p><p>Still standing half-naked in front of Ken, Josh put both hands on his boyfriend’s shoulders and looked up to think. “Well, let’s see… After dinner, we talked about getting dessert…”</p><p> </p><p>“And then?”</p><p> </p><p>“Hm…” Josh began to unbutton Ken’s shirt. “While we were waiting for dessert…”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah…”</p><p> </p><p>“And then the owner approached to greet us…”</p><p> </p><p>“Uh-huh…”</p><p> </p><p>“And we began a conversation about me applying to a company with his recommendation… And then—” Josh paused. He looked down at Ken to see the man with a full pout, lower lip sticking out and eyes drooped. “Wait, are you mad that I talked to the CEO?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken buried his head into Josh’s belly.</p><p> </p><p>“Is that it?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s more than that.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, dude. You were there. We were just talking!”</p><p> </p><p>“I know you were! It’s just…” He sighed. “I can’t explain it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you forgetting that while I was talking with him, I was brushing my leg up yours under the table?” Ken could not see it, but Josh was rolling his eyes. “I mean, I know I joke about how hot he is all the time but—<em>oh</em>…”</p><p> </p><p>Josh looked down at Ken and met his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” he repeated. “Oh…”</p><p> </p><p>At that, Ken coiled his arms around Josh’s waist and pulled him closer.</p><p> </p><p>“But… those are all just harmless jokes. You can’t seriously think I’m into the whole gentleman thing?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not that I’m jealous of <em>him</em>. That guy’s got a pretty boyfriend he’s over the moon for,” Ken explained. “It’s just… When I saw you talking so comfortably with him, I couldn’t help but think about…”</p><p> </p><p>“About what?”</p><p> </p><p>Ken hesitated for a little bit. “About… you. Flirting with other guys. Like, before… Then, bringing them home.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh sighed. “Are you doubting my fidelity?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m doubting… <em>me</em>,” Ken replied.</p><p> </p><p>“What does that even mean?”</p><p> </p><p>“I was… I’ve been thinking about it for some time. I just thought about everything you went through before. Hooking up and stuff,” Ken said, burying his face into Josh’s stomach. “That must have been a lot. I thought… maybe you hate me a little because of that.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh pulled back and caught Ken’s chin between his thumb and index finger. When their eyes met, Josh saw the same look Ken would have whenever they made love. It was a look of trepidation, of anxiety. It was the look of a man who looked like he had a lot to lose. Josh had wanted to ask him about it, but he did not want to meddle in case it was something else.</p><p> </p><p>So, it was this. Josh’s past years of cruising have finally come to bite him in the ass. All the messy details of the past have caught up with them at the present. Josh guessed they would have had to talk about it, but he did not think it would happen so soon.</p><p> </p><p>Josh licked his lips and thought about how best to respond.</p><p> </p><p>“Five years,” he began.</p><p> </p><p>Ken waited on his next words.</p><p> </p><p>“I watched you romp around from bed to bed with women for five years.” As Josh told him this, he gave Ken the warmest smile he could muster. “You would come to my apartment smelling like a different woman almost every night. You don’t know how many times I wished I were a woman so you’d come into my bed instead.</p><p> </p><p>“And what was I supposed to do with my own frustrations, hm?”</p><p> </p><p>Josh cupped Ken’s face in his hands. If his face betrayed the bitterness he tried so hard to hide, Ken gave no indication of knowing.</p><p> </p><p>“So, yeah. Sleeping around was probably not my smartest idea, but it was what I could do back then,” he continued. “You have no idea… how many men I’ve fucked pretending they were you. <em>Yikes</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken frowned, putting his hands over Josh’s. “Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to open this up now…”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine. Weirdly enough, I’m actually grateful,” Josh replied, getting up on the couch with his knees. “Because now… I don’t have to pretend anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh kissed Ken’s forehead.</p><p> </p><p>“And do you know what the best part is?”</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>“When I open my eyes, it’s you. I’m making love with you. Not some… random guy whose name I can’t even remember.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh leaned over to Ken. Their lips brushed slightly, hesitantly before Josh put his over Ken’s. He closed his eyes, savoring the feeling of their lips touching, unmoving, as if time had stopped for them.</p><p> </p><p><em>Ah, it’s Ken</em>, Josh thought. He smiled.</p><p> </p><p>Ken pulled Josh at the waist and ran his hand over his back, and Josh enjoyed how unique the roughness of his calloused hands felt against his heated skin. He enjoyed the way Ken ghosted his lips over his chest. In the past, he never really cared much for those gentle brushes. Now, he relishes them. He cherishes them.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Hn—Ken</em>…” Josh keened when Ken’s whispers turned into wet kisses all over his torso.</p><p> </p><p>Their eyes met for a split second that seemed to stretch for hours. In that moment, Ken’s eyes spoke of apologies, promises, and words of love that they need not utter. Josh knew them by heart. They were words he had dreamt of and imagined for a long time, after all. And now he was seeing them in reality, swirling beneath those pools of chocolate brown.</p><p> </p><p>Five years, three years, and a few more months of running after the warmth only Ken could give him, and Josh could feel it. He could claim the lips that tasted like mint chapstick. He could look into those eyes without hiding his own desires in his. And after all the nights that Ken stank of sex with someone else, Josh could bury his nose into his neck and smell the scent of musk and mild soap—<em>Ken’s </em>scent, not anyone else’s.</p><p> </p><p>Josh could only smile, laughing a little when his vision blurred, and thick drops of tears began to fall from his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>The realization struck him. <em>Finally</em>. Ken was his.</p><p> </p><p>“Babe—baby,” Ken shushed, wiping Josh’s tears with the back of his hand. “Don’t cry. You look ugly.”</p><p> </p><p>“Idiot. This is just… This isn’t what you think it is.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, yeah? So, this is sweat coming out of your eyeballs?”</p><p> </p><p>“Shut up!”</p><p> </p><p>Ken pulled Josh down to his lap and kissed his wet cheek. His lips continued to leave a trail of butterfly kisses down Josh’s neck, his shoulder, his sleeves. Josh watched, amused as Ken kissed down to his hands.</p><p> </p><p>When Ken brushed his lips on the inside of Josh’s wrist, he spread his palm open. He put something on it, then looked up at Josh with a cheeky smile.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s this?” Josh asked out of confusion, blinking at the shiny black ring Ken placed in his hand.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s a ring,” Ken replied.</p><p> </p><p>“I know it’s a ring, but… Why? I don’t understand.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken hugged him and sighed, his breath warming Josh’ exposed chest.</p><p> </p><p>“I thought about… everything… And maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling a little jealous about things that happened in the past,” Ken began. “When I realized everything you’ve been through, everybody you’ve been with, everybody you could have dated because I’d been an idiot… Man, I felt really scared. I have so much I needed to make up for.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken picked up the ring between his fingers. “Then, I thought, ‘What would be a good way to remind you I’d try to do better by you?’</p><p> </p><p>“I know you don’t care much for accessories but—” Ken flipped Josh’s right hand over and slid the ring into Josh’s finger, “—wear this and think of it as a promise, alright? That I’ll make sure you never have to go through that again.”</p><p> </p><p>Ken took Josh’s hand in his. There was a matching black band glistening around his ring finger that Josh failed to notice throughout the night.</p><p> </p><p>“Erm… I was supposed to give you this after dinner, but then <em>that guy</em> showed up and ruined everything. I’m sorry, baby…”</p><p> </p><p>“No, it’s…” Josh let out a breath he did not know he was holding. “I’m just a little shocked. Wait…”</p><p> </p><p>“Take it in, babe,” Ken said, chuckling at Josh looking flabbergasted at what just happened.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know what to say…”</p><p> </p><p>Ken brushed his lips against Josh’s ears.</p><p> </p><p>“How about my name?” he said in a deep and sultry voice. “Screaming. While you cum.”</p><p> </p><p>Josh just bit his lip, unable to form a coherent thought. He crashed his lips against Ken, devouring him.</p><p> </p><p>“Make me.”</p><p> </p><p>With much difficulty, Ken carried Josh to his room. He embraced Josh, their eyes almost never leaving each other’s heated gaze as they made love. Josh screamed Ken’s name over and over, unashamed and uninhibited, until his throat felt sore.</p><p> </p><p>The rest of the night bore witness to the promise they wore on their fingers in a black band. As Ken tucked Josh in right before they fell asleep, Josh could not help but snigger. Many things did not pan out the way Josh planned—not the past few years, not even that night. Yet, he thought their story could not have turned out any better.</p><p> </p><p>They had taken a good while to make it into each other’s arms. But despite the ups and downs, Josh did not think he would change anything. Not the drama, the pain, not even their separation. All of those led them to each other. Though they took the long and winding road to get there, Josh felt satisfied knowing his heart finally had a home.</p><p> </p><p>For their happy ending, Josh would go through everything a thousand times.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>//bonus stories: end//</strong>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i'm… crying?! why?! this couple was supposed to be the crack couple but… what just happened? ☹</p><p>i feel like i need to slow down a little bit.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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